birth control smirth control...

i'm gonna talk about something personal today, very personal. if that offends you click to another blog quickly. people are frequently trying to find tactful, round about ways to ask if all these kids were planned, do we believe in birth control, did we plan to have a large family and are we having more? so i'll just take the mystery out of all of it and break it down for you: our stance on birth control!
many, many years ago (12 & half to be exact!) when theMr and i started dating, he probably had no idea he'd end up with five kids. on the other hand, i came from a big family so i always figured i'd have a big family of my own. we got pregnant with the bean when i was in college (and we were not married) so needless to say, she was a major surprise! i frequently tell her she's the best surprise i've ever had! two years later, a year or so after we got married, we decided to try for #2. he was literally planned down to the week i wanted to get pregnant. i got pregnant with him as soon as i stopped preventing pregnancy! i've always used barrier methods. i'm uncomfortable with hormonal methods. i don't have a moral objection but i don't prefer it for myself. i just feel like it's not good for my body so i choose not to use it. so fast forward a year and a half and my birth control method needed replaced. i was too lazy to do so. we began using the ole "pull and pray" knowing that if there was a good chance we'd still get pregnant but that was fine with us. within a few months the princess was conceived! a mere two years later we were ready for #4~ we stopped using BC in november and got pregnant in january. now here's where things get dicey, at this point we thought maybe we were done. we had been throwing around the idea of surgical procedures since the little guy was born. we were religiously using birth control. which is why i was nearly to my second trimester before it occurred to me that i was pregnant. remember that? crazy times! esme was very much a surprise. a surprise that took me about seven months to accept! but now that she's here i just can't imagine our family without her! that girl is the joy of my life!
and for the final question: are we done? drumroll, please..... we're not sure! we think we are. but we also feel like we're really young to make it surgically permanent. so we're doing everything in our power to prevent it and if it happens i'll try not to have a nervous breakdown. but i really would prefer it doesn't. like, really.
so there you have it. now stop asking.

true confessions part 4

you know what time it is?? it's time for true confessions? it's been awhile since i've divulged my deep dark secrets for all to judge. what's more fun than hearing how dysfunctional someone else is? let's do this!

1. remember when i told you i was seeing a counselor to deal with my anger issues? well, i'm not doing so well. as in, i became totally enraged with a stranger just yesterday at the grocery and had to mentally convince myself that it was not ok to ram him with my cart. but i did mutter some not very nice things loud enough for him to hear. in defense of my counselor, some circumstances have occurred that have prevented me from seeing him for quite awhile. i'm going back next week. my anger has grown into this whole other entity that i drag around with me. not good. not good at all.

2. sleep deprivation is making me a crazy. i am so tired i cannot see straight. it's making me mean and hateful. it also means my kids are eating random items for breakfast, such as cheezits, because i'm too tired to care. now i know i've told you in the past how i like to eat those types of things for breakfast but i usually try to make sure my kids are a little healthier. right now i just don't care. as long as they're fed we're all good.

3. i sure did make theMr take the princess to urgent care this past weekend when her earring was ripped out of her ear because i couldn't handle it. i thought she was going to have to have a shot and stitches and i was sick to my stomach thinking about it. so i had him do it. turns out they glued her earlobe together! crazy!

4. i've seen eclipse twice and i'm dying to see it again. this should come as no surprise to my regular readers as you all know how i feel about twilight :)

5. i may have thrown away some underwear that a certain three year old had an accident in so i didn't have to get them clean. maybe...

6. i may have also not given certain phone messages to my almost 11 year old because i prefer she not hang out with that person.

7. and lastly, i may have pretended (just moments ago) that i had no idea my son was sneaking a cookie from the jar so i wouldn't have to discipline him for it!

my sweet friend :)

can i tell you about my friend? i have this wonderful friend, Sassy. we met via blog land and hit it off immediately. we've read one another's blogs, emailed and talked on the phone for a few years now. we live in the same state (which was a total surprise to both of us!) and this weekend we met up for the first time in person! her family was heading to a large city near us to have a mini vacation before she has their fourth child. we met at a science museum with all of our combined eight kids and spent some time together. not only was she as lovely and beautiful in person as she is online, she wrote this touching post about it today on her blog! i'm in a tough place right now in my life and the last 24 hours have been really difficult emotionally. then i get on the computer this afternoon and read this post of her and it brought tears to my eyes! (those of you who know me know that is saying alot- i'm totally not a crier!) she's such a sweetheart! i needed that encouragement today. so when you get a chance and would like to read an inspiring, uplifting, joyous blog~ check her out! make sure you read the story of her sweet miracle baby, Olivia. well worth the time. and for the record, she's even more adorable in person than in those pictures. such a doll! love you sassy!!

she's a closet marathon runner

esme is a bit, how do i put it, stationary.



girlfriend was in no particular hurry to roll over, sit up and now crawl. at 9 months old she's showing no signs of crawling. now some mothers might be concerned about this seeing that all the charts say that babies crawl between 6-10 months. but those mothers did not have a baby who walked at 7 MONTHS (ZaZa) and 9 MONTHS (the little guy).



i am in no hurry for her to be mobile. she is totally content to sit on our living room floor with her basket of toys playing happily and staying right where i left her.



no crawling up the stairs. no eating every minute crumb off the carpet. just staying put. which is more than i can say for any other child in this house! so imagine my surprise today when i went to get her up from her nap and found her standing in her crib!



i've never seen her get from laying to sitting by herself, much less stand up!



she was quite impressed with herself if the high pitched screeching was any indicator!



i came in and told the kids about it and they were as shocked as i was. they made some hilarious observations!

the Bean: "maybe she's in there every day at naptime running laps in her crib to trim down her chubby thighs!"

the Princess: "maybe she already knows how to walk she just hides it from us so we'll still carry her around!"

Za: "she's been trickin us all this time!"

she is a crafty little one!

the post where i rant and comlain...

i just need to get a few things off my chest, ok? first of all, my email was hacked today. not just hacked, hacked by viagra ads. are you kidding me? because obviously we need viagra over here! it went out to every single person in my contacts. including my church secretary. including my pastor. including my daughter's kindergarten teacher. awesome. just how i had hoped to start my day!

next topic, bloggers who annoy me. here's the deal: i came across a blog recently that i liked. i started reading. she was funny, clever, had great pics, etc. but now i've realized that all her posts are giveaways. with a personal one every ten or so. not only are they giveaways but you have to do 30 different things to enter. i hate that. i don't want to like you on facebook/leave four comments/follow you on twitter and vote for you in some blogger contest just for some free hair bows for the baby. i'll just buy the darn things! i had to stop following her. enough already!

lastly, i need to talk about this baby of mine who doesn't sleep and now wants to be carried around all day. i get it, you're a diva. but for goodness sake i'd be a much better mommy to you if you'd let me get a little sleep. i could look human for once. i could not have to mentally convince myself not to kick theMr in the head every time he talks about how tired he is. domestic violence is not good for the children. and i'm too tired to do it anyway!

why do you read that?

theMr frequently gets to hear all about the other blogs i read. probably many more details than he'd care to hear! frequently at night he watches movies while i read on the laptop. often he'll see me get really emotional about some of the things i'm reading and he'll ask why i read it. i read it because i need frequent reminders that my life is pretty easy in comparison to many others. that my kids are a walk in the park in comparison to what others are going through. like when i read my cousin Lora's carepage for her baby, Mya. and i cry on updates like today's that she had to be intubated again after their second attempt to take her off a ventilator. seeing the pictures of that sweet four month old baby fighting for her life. it reminds me to not be quite so frustrated with my own baby not sleeping at night. i bet lora would give anything right now to be at home dealing with a teething baby instead of watching her own little one struggle with an uncertain future. i read a blog called profoundly seth about a woman who lost one child and is raising her other four alone, two of which with health issues. her husband just left one day. while she was pregnant with their fifth child. it reminds me to be thankful for my husband even though he leaves his dirty laundry everywhere. i'd miss that laundry if he was gone. ok, maybe not the laundry but definitely him :) i could go on and on of people who are struggling to keep their homes, their jobs, their children or their lives. they are watching their babies struggle to breath. they are holding their spouses hand while cancer eats at their bodies. they are living the aftermath of a natural disaster. they have watched all their belongings disappear before their very eyes. it puts in perspective my frustration at the constant cleaning and cooking required of me. i guess i just need a constant reminder how blessed i am. how much worse it could be. how even on my darkest days i have a husband and a family and a home and the things i need. i even get to have many things i just want. it's a good check for my bad attitude. and i need that.

top ten ways you know you are getting old!

10. you are super excited when your parents get you a AAA membership for christmas, like really excited.

9. you read the back of packages in the store. and you can only do so if you remembered to bring your glasses.

8. if you had your choice, the perfect night out would be getting a sitter and taking a nap.

7. you know all about things like pensions and health insurance and you feel really blessed to have both.

6. your kids ask if they had color tv when you were a kid.

5. you've been married for a third of your life.

4. you'd rather hang out with your mom than most people you know.

3. you have friends on their second or third marriage.

2. 50 suddenly seems awfully young.

1. you make friends online because you are too tired to leave the house. and then you meet up with them in real life!

the results!!

the before pics..





we put the kids to work removing crayon from the walls... unfortunately there was alot of it. but for the record, WD40 works great!





theMr had to repair quite a bit of the plaster which had crumbled and made holes. not fun!



my mom called me a few weeks ago and asked me if i wanted this bulletin board they were throwing away at her work. i brought it home and figured i'd play around with it and try to make it a little cuter!


i think it turned out pretty well!


the final results!



the bean's bed and dresser!


the princess' new bed! (she's been in the bunk beds with Za)



overall it turned out really well, the girls were thrilled! if i can figure out how to get the video i'll post it. we recorded their reaction. they just kept screaming and hugging us. it was really cute. all in all the whole project only cost around $150 and was done in a weekend! not bad!

the bean

i have to tell you about my oldest, the bean. i'm giving you a little background because monday or tuesday i'm going to post pics of what we've been doing this weekend! but back to the bean, she's an awesome kids. i, mean, a really incredible kid. she's a phenomenal student. she's kind and sweet and loving and nurturing. she's the most mature almost 11 year old i've ever met. we always joke that we could probably go on vacation and leave her here either alone or with all the other kids and they'd be fine when we got back! she cares for her siblings in a way that i can't even put into words. she's just that sweet. anyway, as i've mentioned here before, we live in a super small house. as in, a two bedroom house. a few years ago we had to break down and convert our formal dining room into a master bedroom. so currently, esme sleeps with us. the bean, za and the princess all share a room and the little guy has his own room. why does he have his own room? because he is crazy and has to be locked in at night. i know, if you've never had a kid like him that sounds insane to you. but what else do you do with a toddler who gets out of his bed at night and wanders the house? or worse, leaves the house? or eats non-food items? he cannot be trusted unsupervised. so the only option has been to put him in his own room and lock it at night. needless to say, sharing a room with a seven and five year old is not optimal for a preteen. the poor girl has to put up with alot. so we decided that this summer we'd redo the bedrooms and put her and the princess together and then the boys together. we'd take it one step further and make them a wonderful, girly room. they've never had a girl's room! she's always shared a room with her brother. so i've been planning for this room for months. buying little things here and there when i could afford it. secretly planning and stashing and waiting until we had all the materials and the time. she hasn't seen any of it. it will be a total surprise! the room we are doing for them is actually the room that the little guy is in now. it is destroyed. holes in the walls (it's a 110 year old house with plaster walls!) marker on the carpet, crayon on the walls, a mess. so today we patched all the plaster and started painting. i'll finish tomorrow afternoon while theMR takes the kids to his parents to watch the world cup. and then the big reveal! i can't wait to see her face when she sees it! i'll post before and after pics soon!

i have to stop yelling at people on the phone...

is that the best title ever? seriously, i have issues with customer service persons on the phone. it's not my fault. they make me do it. i call them prepared to deal with whatever my problem is in a rational and calm manner. then it all goes you know where in a handbasket. first, i have to navigate through the computer system just to get to a human.

Computer Generated Voice: "Please state the reason for you call."

Me: "I'd like to pay my bill."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand you. Did you say 'i would like to take a pill?"

"I WOULD LIKE TO PAY MY BILL"

"you would like to pay your bill?"

"YES!"

"ok, would you like to pay by credit card or check by phone?"

"check"

"i'm sorry, i did not understand you. did you say 'ben affleck'?"

"CHECK!"

and it goes on for ten more minutes when finally they send me to a human. then the human tries to charge me $5 for assisting me. when i politely tell her i will not pay that fee due to the fact the computer generated payment system is obviously addicted to crack, she insists she can't take it off. when i nicely point out that this is system is supposed to be designed to make payment easier but is in reality more complicated, she sighs and asks me rather curtly if i want to pay my bill or not. here's the deal, i am extremely polite to strangers. on the phone, in person, wherever i go. i see no reason to be otherwise. but somehow in the process of these things i become so frustrated i turn into yelling-sarcastic-i'm-gonna-track-you-down-and-show-up-at-your-call-center-to-cause-a-scene-lady. except i could never do that because all the call centers are in india. that's why none of the representatives speak english as their first language. see the problem? what ever happened to the days where you could pay all your bills downtown and yell at a real person? what is happening to this world?

a love story...

i want to tell you a love story. ok? who doesn't love a good love story?? it's about a girl. well, really she's a woman. but she feels like a girl at heart.



anyway, she meets her prince charming and they fall in love.



they get married and they have babies, lots of babies.



four babies, to be precise.



they're life is blissful and happy and complete. then one day, the girl finds out she's going to have another baby. the girl is understandably panicked. this was not in her blissful plan! she becomes violently ill for many, many months. her back hurts and she gets weird pregnancy rashes and she gains more weight than any woman should gain with just one baby.



and then one day, it happens. her labor has started. suddenly she has four kids to get settled and a house to get ready and before she knows it there's this doctor telling her she's 8cm dilated and most likely no time for an epidural! now this girl is really unhappy with this unexpected turn of events. but suddenly, after only one push~ a baby is born.



not just any baby. it's esme. and she could not be any more darling. and her head is full of dark, soft hair. and her cheeks are so round they rest on her chest.



and she loves no one as much as her mama, she won't even let other people hold her!




and she stays up all night, even when she's 9 months old because she just wants to be with her mama.



and she grows bigger and smarter and cuter every day.



and even when her mama takes a tiny break from her parenting duties she misses her.





and all her brothers and sisters have nicknames for her like Essie and tiny sister.




and it is the greatest love story ever told.



aren't you glad you heard that?

anniversary top ten!

i can hardly believe it's been ten years since i married theMr. i realized this morning while i was driving the three older kids to camp what a long strange trip it's been! i can only imagine if someone had told me then that one day i'd be carting three of my five kids to camp and hoping the little ones would take a nap so i could have one too! ohhh.. the romance :) so here we are, a decade later, a little bit smarter, fatter and just as poor! but we have grown from shallow first love to something that i never thought was possible for two people as dysfunctional as we are. to best friends, partners in sarcasm, twilight loving, baby making, people who stay up too late watching movies and laughing and regretting it the next morning! we've been through lots of ups and lots of downs and we're still here. we still love each other. we still want to come home to each other at the end of the day. i'd say that's success :) without further ado...

top ten reasons i'm so glad i married theMr!

10. we love the same stupid shows. shows geared towards teenagers. shows who's actors would be embarrassed to know that we're fans because we'd remind them of their parents. and we have no shame about it.




9. he can fix just about anything. especially if i tell him he can't. then he gets it done even faster just to prove me wrong.



8. he supports me in all my craziness. we're talking alot of craziness. i'm pretty much a hormonal roller coaster. in ten years there have probably only been about 11 months that i haven't been pregnant or breastfeeding. trust me, he's put up with a LOT.




7. he's a dreamer. he has goals and desires and plans for our family that sometimes defy reality. but i love him for it. one glass half empty person is enough in a marriage!





6. he's hot. i mean, super HOT. way hotter than when i married him. not many women can say that!




5. he obviously has great DNA, have you seen my kids?



4. he's the only person in the world who lets me be completely myself and loves me for it. i never have to be anything other than what i am for him. and i think he tends to make me the best version of myself. i hope i do the same for him.




3. he works so hard for us. besides his stressful, full time job, he does contracting jobs on the side to help make ends meet. he works hard to not only provide the things we need but things we want to.



2. he's a super dad.



1. he's truly my best friend. there is no one that i have more fun with, that i laugh more with, that i trust more completely than theMr. he is my partner for life and my love for eternity!




Happy Anniversary!