Mompetition, Part 2

if you've been here a while, you may remember this post. it was one of my most widely read. it was all about the competition that is motherhood. nobody talks about it but it's there. in the past few weeks i have seen it rampant on facebook. from judgement about where to send your kid to school to the great breastfeeding debate, it's everywhere. and now we have pinterest and facebook and etsy to really bring home all of the things other moms are doing that we aren't. have you ever searched "kid's birthday party" on pinterest? holy. cow... don't do it. if i've learned anything in 13 years of parenting, it's stop comparing yourself to other mothers. stay out of the race, you can't win.

and yet... i still battle it. i find myself justifying my parenting choices to those who disagree. or getting irate at a facebook debate with people i don't even know! i realized a few weeks ago how far i need to go while attending a parent's meeting for one of my children. my kids attend a phenomenal private christian school. we love it there and we work our tails off to afford tuition. that being said, we are probably not your typical "private school parents".  So i'm sitting in this meeting, looking around, noticing how different i am than most of the other mothers. i don't own a sweater set. i have visible tattoos. i've never once sent an adorable themed snack to school for one of my kids' birthdays. heck, most of my kids' teacher may not even know what i look like. but the thing that stood out to me the most was that i was the only mom sitting alone. most of the other mothers know each other because they all volunteer often.  i'm at work. i don't have time to be at the school in the middle of the day. i have five kids and a job and a business and a million other responsibilities. i sat there feeling judgement that probably didn't even exist. if i really think about it, i bet none of them had a thought about me at all. but it bothered me. i began that familiar condemnation of mom guilt...reminding myself of all the things i don't do.

i've never thrown a big party for any of my kid's birthdays. in fact, i've never even sent anything to school for them. 

i've never made a costume, a set of curtains or even hemmed a skirt. i bribe my dear friend Nicole to hem my kid's uniforms!

i've never decorated for a holiday other than Christmas.

i've never taken my kids to disney world.

my  kids don't play sports and i could not be happier about it.

the list could go on on and on of all the things i don't do that make me not good enough as a mother. if i allow it, my insecurity could convince me that i am failing in all areas of motherhood.

but if i pull myself out of that destructive pit for just a moment, i can think about the things i am doing for my kids. when they are grown, will they be mad that i never threw an elaborate party for them? or will they be glad that i taught them to love every kind of music from punk to gospel to blue grass to hip hop.
will they feel that they missed out on having a mom that does crafts and activities? or will they realize the value of a mom who taught them to dance in the garage, to laugh when life sucks and that it's ok to say "sucks" when no other word will work.
will my daughters wish i had taught them to clean more, cook better, sew costumes? or will they realize that i may have missed those things... i did teach them to think for themselves, to dream big, to be what ever they want to be.

at the core of judgement is our own hearts. what others think is only significant if deep inside we agree.  so if you are a crafty mom...craft on! if you are a dancing mom, turn up the music! whatever your style, be who you are and don't let anyone tell you it's not good enough. especially yourself.

homeschool, public school, private school, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, attachment parenting, staying at home, working outside of the home, car seats, booster seats, potty seats... whatever your choose...
 OWN IT.

 and don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

one year

this post has been brewing in my mind for weeks... and every time the Lord said "write it", i said "i can't". then i go to church today and the whole message was to share  your God story. i get that, i love that. but i have resisted because my story is not a warm fuzzy one. it's not a finished testimony with a bow on it. it's a story still in process. but here it goes...

i've been reflecting lately how much can change in a year. in April 2012, i was in a very different place. i was preparing to quit my daycare business of ten years to pursue my dream of safe families. i was excited, passionate and sure of the road before me. this was my destiny, what i was created to do. i had just gotten a hebrew tattoo on my arm that says "He turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy". i naively thought it was a testament to my past. i had no idea it was a glimpse into my future. i thought all of the ducks in my life were in a row. little did i know that events were transpiring, unbenownst to me, that would change the course of my future. i was coasting along, so sure of my path. i was forming a board and meeting with local social service agencies and getting people excited for the vision. fast forward to august... my world crashed in a way i never saw coming.  one moment in time, one shocking discovery and it all fell apart. my life, my marriage, my mental health, my sanity. i found myself facing a darkness like nothing i had experienced before. to say it was overwhelming does not do justice. for the first time in my 20 years with Jesus i wanted to die. i just wanted the pain to stop, in whatever way possible. in the pit of that agony, i was angry. angry at Eli, angry at myself but more than anything...angry at God. how could He let this happen to me? where was He? i had spent so many years trying so hard to follow him, to obey him, to do what he told me...and this is where it got me.  my pride blinded my vision so deeply all i could do was ask Him why? i spent days and weeks raging at Him. i mean really raging. i yelled at him, i begged him, He remained silent. in all honesty, maybe He was speaking but my rage was so loud i could no longer hear him. i don't know. as i tried to put the peices of myself back together, i found myself starting to heal but my anger at the Lord remained. i couldn't shake it. over and over i asked him WHY? over and over... silence.  i've believed my whole life that He doesn't allow us any suffering that can't be for His glory. i was desperately trying to cling to that truth when it was the antithesis of what i was feeling.
     so one day i was driving home from a women's Bible study that i didn't want to be at and i didn't want to hear. i was listening to music while esme chattered in the back. i was overcome with rage. i said out loud "how could you do this to me?" and in His still small voice, when i was quiet enough to hear, He spoke.

"what if I used your greatest nightmare to be the thing that set you free?"

i was so stunned by that response i had to pull over my car. is that what happened? was i being set free from a bondage i didn't even know imprisoned me?

i was. 

i was being set free from the chains of codependancy. i was being set free from the fear of abandonment. i was being set free by a God that loved me too much to let me keep going the way i was. 

in that life-changing moment i realized that sometimes God lets it all fall apart so He can put it back together in a way only He knows how. a peace washed over me that i had not felt in a long, long time. i wept with thankfulness. he gave me a tiny glimpse of the forest through the trees. he allowed me a glimpse of what he was making me into and what he had delivered me from. and it was beautiful.

i wish i could tell you that it was smooth sailing from then on. it wasn't. it has been so hard, finding my way back. it is a process that at times i have longed to end. it has been filled with moments of doubt, fear and steps backward. but through it all, He has carried me in a way i have never experienced before. He has shown his majesty in the broken pot that is my heart.

i'm not there yet. we still have work to do. there are still far too many days where i am overcome with fear and anxiety. when i revert to my old coping mechanisms. when i forget.

but those days are fewer and the darkness is not so dark anymore. when they come, i recite truth to myself and meditate on it instead of the lies my mind is feeding me. i surround myself with his praise when my emotions are betraying me. i soak myself in His word when the world is screaming "you're not going to make it!"

i find that i am no longer the person i was a year ago. i am prone to tears, i am humbled by my own failures, i am no longer sure of my path. but i have a hope that was missing for so long. i have a peace that transcends the chaos that is often my life. i have dancing, sometimes sprinkled with mourning.

this is just a peice of my God story, a tiny morsel of the tapestry He is weaving of my life.  it is not the end, really a beginning. as my mother told me as a child..."Abby, don't write the ending to a story God is not finished with." 

He is not finished with me.

Praise Jesus He is not finished with me.

grace wins

today was a long day. like a tired-stressed-anxious-iwanttodrownmystressinchocolate kinda day. theMr is in full construction mode and working 60-70 hours a week, not getting home until nearly 10 most nights. we are at the beginning of what may be a huge battle over our foreclosure. i spent the afternoon, after work, writing and mailing letters to politicians and media. my brain has been churning all day... grumpy mom plus five kids is not a super combo. by bedtime, i am done. i'm tucking esme in, i lean down to kiss her and she whispers "you is beautiful, mama". oh sweetpea...when she looked at me in that moment, she saw the mom who tucks her in and kisses her every night. the mom who buys her dora yogurt even though it's overpriced and full of sugar. the mom who "carries her like a baby" when she asks. what she didn't see is the frazzled mom who yelled at her today for not putting on her shoes. or the mom who was sick all afternoon from a week of bad eating. or the mom who hid in her bedroom watching tv while her kids played in the next room. she didn't see the mom who loses her temper too often and cusses under breath and doesn't separate the lights from the darks and is a crazy person without her antidepressant. because when she looks at me, she sees love. and love doesn't see flaws. when you look at someone with love, you see all of the things you love about them. the most amazing thing about that interaction is that it's just a glimpse of Jesus. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sin or our flaws or all of the ways we fall short. He sees his beloved child. He delights in us! how precious that a three year old can model that. i so often think i am the one doing all of the teaching in this relationship, i could not be more wrong.

courageous

since i was a child, i've always wanted to be courageous. someone who lived life without fear. someone who took on any adventure with zest and excitement. i worked hard to become that person. the problem is that i mistook putting on a mask with courage. i told myself along the way that a person who was courageous never showed fear or weakness. they could always handle anything, and if they couldn't, they pretended they could. this false belief has caused me much heartache over the years and has prevented me from connecting with people in a real and vulnerable way. i built up a castle of protection around my heart, no one could hurt me, no one could get in. it wasn't until forces collided in my life that i realized it was a lie. that "being strong all the time" is really bondage. that sometimes courage is being brave enough to fall apart. being brave enough to say i'm not ok. to say i need help. to say i need YOU. i found myself in the last year at the stunning realization that i had believed a lie about myself all of my life. the lie that i have to be strong. that i cannot show weakness. that people won't love me or respect me or want me if i fall apart. what i have found in my brokenness, is that when you fall apart is when those around you have a chance to shine. when you are so desperate and despondent that you can't even ask for help is when the people that love you step up. in early August of 2012 i essentially had a nervous breakdown brought on by extreme crisis. i have never been in a darker place in my life. my friends rallied around me in a way i could not properly put to paper. they held me, they let me cry, they let me yell, they let me cuss, they were there. they saw me sink to a place they had never imagined they would find me in and they came through. in the first few weeks of that time, six of my closest friends and my mother asked me to meet them at our local  house of prayer so they could pray over me. they were so worried about me. as i literally laid on that floor, curled in a ball, sobbing as they prayed and spoke truth over me, i had an incredible vision. i was standing in the middle of war. bullets were flying around me and the enemy was close. i was curled in fetal position, too weak to even stand, much less fight. my friends were standing in a circle around me, facing out. they were fighting the battle for me when i was too weak to defend myself. sometimes courageous is being willing to curl up in a ball and be honest about where you are. as i walk through this journey, i'm learning more and more about who i am and who i'm not. i can be strong, but i don't have to. i can be courageous while still being scared. some days that just means that i keep putting one foot in front of another while praying that the fear doesn't overtake me. some days it means i can smile and know it will be ok. but either way, i know now that i have a net. i'm not hanging off of this cliff alone. i can be courageous... and if i can't there are those that would be for me. and that makes all the difference in the world.

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything with love.

the aftermath...

ah Easter.  the holiest day of the year.

white dresses and tights, eggs filled with candy, hymns posted on statuses.
a day of celebration, reverence and solemn reflection.
as the suns sets and the festivities end, peace abounds.

 or not... it's only 5:30 and my kids are running around like crack fiends itching for a fix. the sugar overload has officially rendered them unable to function at a normal decibel. one sweet child is trying to hang a bunny with his New striped overpriced tie, while another lays on the kitchen floor screaming for chocolate. beautiful floral dresses are streaked with candy and dirt. theMr sleeps peacefully on the couch while i cower in fear, realizing that this is the moment where the inmates take over the asylum. suddenly, in a moment of holy inspiration, a declaration comes forth to please the masses... "who wants candy for dinner?" they cheer and jump and shower me with praises. i can smile a genuine smile because deep inside i know....
they  are going to bed at 7!

happy Easter from theMrs!

10 headlines you may read about theMrs

im gonna be famous someday...for all the wrong reasons

10. woman found wandering around starbucks parking lot mumbling after 132 car troubles. Husband says he fixed it.

9. Local mom discovered after being reported missing three days ago.  She was trapped under large pile of laundry.

8. Parents of five reported to authorities by their own children for child labor violations.  Authorities say the charges are substantiated.

7, Nanny needed: Must cook, clean and facilitate the recording of all episodes of big bang theory.

6, Man awarded a purple heart medal for his heroic efforts dealing with his wife's mood swings after hysterectomy.

5. Scientists discover new life form in children's bathroom. Children claim they just cleaned it on chore day.

4. Springfield woman taken away in handcuffs after being told by pediatrician that children who are teething do not run fevers,,,again.

3.  Local couple busted in prostitution sting at hourly hotel...investigation uncovers they were just looking for a cheap place to nap.

2. America's most beautiful child contest a five way tie, first time in history!

1. Local blogger thought to be dead. Early reports say she is fine, just too lazy to type on iPad.

We did it!

We did it! My mom started her weight loss journey in June 2012. To date she has lost 70 POUNDS! I started in August and have lost 50! It has been great support for us to do this together. We have commiserated about our workouts, our appetites and our life changes. As excited as I am about my own weight loss, I'm even MORE excited about hers. I hope this means a long, healthy life for her :) Who would've guessed that at 35 & 56 we'd be in the same size? We both have about 10 lbs to go, but I think we can do it. Just in time to shop for cute summer clothes together :)

I love you Mom and I'm so proud of you!