Mompetition, Part 2

if you've been here a while, you may remember this post. it was one of my most widely read. it was all about the competition that is motherhood. nobody talks about it but it's there. in the past few weeks i have seen it rampant on facebook. from judgement about where to send your kid to school to the great breastfeeding debate, it's everywhere. and now we have pinterest and facebook and etsy to really bring home all of the things other moms are doing that we aren't. have you ever searched "kid's birthday party" on pinterest? holy. cow... don't do it. if i've learned anything in 13 years of parenting, it's stop comparing yourself to other mothers. stay out of the race, you can't win.

and yet... i still battle it. i find myself justifying my parenting choices to those who disagree. or getting irate at a facebook debate with people i don't even know! i realized a few weeks ago how far i need to go while attending a parent's meeting for one of my children. my kids attend a phenomenal private christian school. we love it there and we work our tails off to afford tuition. that being said, we are probably not your typical "private school parents".  So i'm sitting in this meeting, looking around, noticing how different i am than most of the other mothers. i don't own a sweater set. i have visible tattoos. i've never once sent an adorable themed snack to school for one of my kids' birthdays. heck, most of my kids' teacher may not even know what i look like. but the thing that stood out to me the most was that i was the only mom sitting alone. most of the other mothers know each other because they all volunteer often.  i'm at work. i don't have time to be at the school in the middle of the day. i have five kids and a job and a business and a million other responsibilities. i sat there feeling judgement that probably didn't even exist. if i really think about it, i bet none of them had a thought about me at all. but it bothered me. i began that familiar condemnation of mom guilt...reminding myself of all the things i don't do.

i've never thrown a big party for any of my kid's birthdays. in fact, i've never even sent anything to school for them. 

i've never made a costume, a set of curtains or even hemmed a skirt. i bribe my dear friend Nicole to hem my kid's uniforms!

i've never decorated for a holiday other than Christmas.

i've never taken my kids to disney world.

my  kids don't play sports and i could not be happier about it.

the list could go on on and on of all the things i don't do that make me not good enough as a mother. if i allow it, my insecurity could convince me that i am failing in all areas of motherhood.

but if i pull myself out of that destructive pit for just a moment, i can think about the things i am doing for my kids. when they are grown, will they be mad that i never threw an elaborate party for them? or will they be glad that i taught them to love every kind of music from punk to gospel to blue grass to hip hop.
will they feel that they missed out on having a mom that does crafts and activities? or will they realize the value of a mom who taught them to dance in the garage, to laugh when life sucks and that it's ok to say "sucks" when no other word will work.
will my daughters wish i had taught them to clean more, cook better, sew costumes? or will they realize that i may have missed those things... i did teach them to think for themselves, to dream big, to be what ever they want to be.

at the core of judgement is our own hearts. what others think is only significant if deep inside we agree.  so if you are a crafty mom...craft on! if you are a dancing mom, turn up the music! whatever your style, be who you are and don't let anyone tell you it's not good enough. especially yourself.

homeschool, public school, private school, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, attachment parenting, staying at home, working outside of the home, car seats, booster seats, potty seats... whatever your choose...
 OWN IT.

 and don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

an overdue top ten

is anyone still here?  i think this is the longest period i've ever gone without posting since i started this blog! life is busy, you know how it is. i think of a post, i start it in my head, it never gets any further than that. good thing i'm not getting paid for this...i'd be broke!

i thought i'd try to catch up on our summer for those who are not my facebook friends.

top ten most noteworthy events of summer 2012~

10. theMrs is officially done potty training...kinda. except when she decides to hide and poop in her pants. other than that we're golden!

9. we are obsessed with the olympics! the other night the bean and i stayed up until midnight cheering on the girls gymnastics team and watching them receive their medals! there have been lots of somersaults and head stands around here!

8. i don't want to ever talk about chik fil a  again. i'm saddened by both sides. if you want to know my view, read here.

7. we got fleas...again. which is doubly irritating since we don't have any pets. $250 later they are hopefully gone!

6. Za turned 10, the Princess turned 8 and theMr and i celebrated our 12th anniversary with a trip alone!

5. the bean is turning 13 in a week! we are celebrating her entry into womanhood with a girls only weekend away for her and her BFF! 

4. safe families has gained some steam and i'm just trying to keep up with the momentum! i'm developing a team of people who believe in this vision and im excited to see it coming to fruition. while i struggle to manage working while home with five kids, it's coming along. i'm hoping things will be a bit easier once school starts. 

3. theMr has been working like a maniac. his business has really taken off this year. he's super busy but works hard at juggling his time with that and at home. you can "like" his business facebook page to see pics of what he's been doing all summer!

2. we may be moving! i can't go in to a lot of detail at this point, but this is pretty huge for us. we bought this house 10 years ago and have more than outgrown it. i'll keep ya posted :)

1. we are preparing for another year of school to begin! pencils to buy, uniforms to try on, silence to look forward to! it is a LOT of work for four kids to start school... but oh so worth it! we are blessed to have the opportunity to send our kids back to Emmanuel Christian Academy again. it is an amazing school and we are thankful to be a part of it.

that's all we have going on... what about you?!

more facebook... i can't resist!

when i wrote my original post about facebook, i thought it was comprehensive. little did i know that the lovely form of social media would just keep giving me more and more material! i've been trying to fight writing this post for a few weeks now, in an attempt to not offend my last few readers! but i just can't keep my mouth shut any longer! i must let it out!! so in no particular order....

~ is there something in the fb rules and regulations that states this as the perfect venue to offer condescending, unsolicited advice?  here are some things i've seen recently:  a picture of an adorable toddler standing up in their crib for the first time set off a storm of comments about lowering the crib mattress. the mother of this toddler has three children. i think she knows to lower the mattress. take a deep breath! similarly, someone posted a pic of an adorable baby sleeping in a carseat, strapped in appropriately. but wait! one darling "friend" inspected the style of the carseat and determined that it must be an older model and therefore is NOT safe for that child. seriously? you should put those super detective skills to work somewhere else. like maybe where people actually care to hear your opinions.

~vaguebooking.... we've discussed in our last post. but it cannot be repeated enough. this is NOT a status "pray, bad things, can't share more."  followed by three days of nothing. is this person dead? did someone steal their wifi? are they in the witness protection program? if you can't share then ...... DON'T SHARE.
whew, i'm getting really really shouty CAPS over here and we're only on the second one. i better take a few deep breaths.

~ok, i'm under control now. i will not be under control if i'm forced to continually see my mom's friends posting uber cleavage-y pics of themselves taken in the bathroom, with their lips stuck out like they are a cast member on the Real Housewives of the OC.  let's just legislate some guidelines here: if you are over 21, do not take pics in the bathroom. if you are over 30, do not put your girls on fb.  if you are a teenager, just remember that the internet is forever and someday you may want a career. just sayin!

~bashing your place of work, especially when it is a non profit ministry.  it's ok for you to be unhappy there. it's ok for you to vent to your friends about your unhappiness. it is NOT ok for you to bash that institution repeatedly online. it is super offensive to the many parents of students there. it is also not a very good representation of your character. put your big girl pants on and take your issues to the people that can address them. that's called maturity.

~while we're on the topic of bashing, the above rule also applies to spouses, in laws, and your children. don't say terrible things about your family. just don't. keep it to yourself.

~and since we mentioned husbands, let me also clarify that details of your sex life are totally unnecessary. like really. i do NOT need to know that you both had sex when you woke up this morning. nobody needed to know that .  but thanks for sharing.

~and lastly, the business facebooker. look, i'm glad you're making some extra money. i truly am. however, i feel i should disclose a few things. if your statuses are always about your product and how wonderful it is, i will "hide" you. please stop inviting me to every party you have. or worse, asking me to host one. if i wake up tomorrow and want make-up or purses or jewelry or cooking supplies or a vacation package- I'll call you!

have we finally covered all of the bases yet??? somehow i bet not....

facebook landscaping, a top ten list

did you know that facebook will let you hide people from your news feed? of all of the things technology has come up with THIS is my favorite. i don't want to remove them from my friends (i'm not heartless) i just don't want to read their statuses~ here are a few that are guaranteed to get the boot!

1. facebook eeyore... you know who i mean. they're always sick. something terrible has happened to them everyday. they post sad, depressed posts every. single. day... we all have rough patches. but if every day is one, see a therapist. if only there was a way to "hide" them in real life...

2. the vague- booker... they post things like "i'm so devastated. i can't believe this is happening." and then not log in for three days. all of their friends are worried and asking if they are ok with no response.

3. the "i will post something controversial and end with i don't want to discuss it". i often post things that i know will get a lively debate going. i like a good debate. if you don't want one, keep your posts neutral!

4. the ever-changing relationship status... they're married, they're single, it's complicated, they're in a relationship, all in the same day!

5. the gamer. every status is about how they need a cow for their farm or something. no thanks.

6. the "texter". example? "so excited 2 B goin 2 movie w/ my frds! C U l8R" ... you have a full keyboard. use it.

7. the "i have no boundaries" poster... they may be telling you about their recent marital dispute, their kid's vomit or posting a pic of their afterbirth. their life is an open book and they can't wait to tell you about it!

8. the youtuber. no statuses, only youtube videos. all day, every day.

9. the "i forget facebook is public" poster. "i'm bout to smoke a joint!" "i drove home so trashed last night!" it should be "i never hope to get a job!"

10. anything i have to repost. let me just clear it up once and for all. i support breast cancer, autism, depression, and any other disease research. i love Jesus, America, freedom, soldiers and everyone else. except for people who post statuses that i've mentioned here.

more facebook no no's....

we've already discussed this. i believe more than once. but people just keep giving me more ammo. i can't help it. i don't make the news, i just report it.

10. let's talk about pictures. here's a few that nobody wants to see: your placenta, your actual birth, your kid's poop, vomit...just to name a few. listen people, i'm a doula. i'm passionate about birth. but i still don't want to see yours on facebook.

9. status tagging. if we're at the park together, feel free to tag me. if you are doing shots and i happen to be at the same location, do not tag me. i don't drink and i'm friends with my pastor on facebook. i'm talking to you tricia ;)

8. don't tell me what happened on shows! i never watch them at the scheduled time. don't ruin it for me!

7. oh my freakin goodness the status updates that i have to repost to prove i love jesus/america/breast cancer/autism/being allergic to junebugs. Jesus knows i love him. i don't have to prove it to him on facebook. as far as those others, if it's an issue close to your heart, be my guest. but don't try to guilt me into it. only 1% of people will repost this....

6. the "you're going to jail/a haunted house/a mental hospital" statuses where you tag your first five friends or whatever. not funny. not even a little bit.

5. when commenting on MY status, could you try to refrain from massive profanity? k, thanks. (see #9)

4. if you want people to stay out of your business, keep it off facebook. i know, i know, we've gone over this. but it bears repeating. often.

3. don't be the eeyore of facebook. i'll just hide you from my wall. stop bringing everyone down.

2. don't post that you keep losing weight because you "forget to eat". i will cut you.

1. STOP SPAMMING EVERYONE! i'm happy for you that you got a free piece of cheesecake or you found out who's looking at your profile. keep it on your own page. thanks.

top ten facebook No No's

so, i have this little sitemeter thingy that tells me how many hits i get a day, where they are coming from, who referred them, etc. it doesn't tell me anything fun like your names or whether you liked it or whether you accidentally ended up here by googling "i think i've lost my mind". well, actually it would tell me that. anyway, an interesting little tidbit that i have learned from sitemeter is that when i post serious or touching things, i have fewer readers. what tends to earn me the most? top ten lists and things that will tick people off. surprise surprise... turns out, nobody really cares to hear my take on marriage or parenting (too bad...you're gonna get it anyway!) they'd rather i just make a fool of myself with my motherhood failures and make jokes about the things that you are all thinking but too mature to say, much less put on a blog! eh, i guess i'll just give you what you want. the customer is always right?

top ten Facebook No No's!

10. don't look like an escort in your picture. picking a profile pic is tough. do i put a nice picture of myself? a family photo? something political and/or religious? or how about a picture of my cleavage that i took with my phone in a bathroom! you are not 16. you are not looking sexy. you are embarrassing yourself.

9. putting your family drama on. you know what i'm talking about. changing your status from married to single every time you have an argument over who's turn it is to change a dirty diaper. calling out your brother's wife for something she said about you on her page. stop it. all of you. keep your private business private. that's why it's called personal.

8. letting your young child get a facebook page. there is a reason there are age guidelines. and if your child is going to be on there, you may as well tell them not to send me a friend request. i don't' hang out with 11 year olds in my real life (unless i gave birth to them) and i don't intend to start. thanks anyway.

7. playing all the games and continuously inviting me to play too. i don't care if you love the games. have at it (though i may be secretly judging you)! but stop inviting me! i don't care if you need another cow for farmville or whatever the heck is the goal of that game. i'm not interested. i'm working on finding time to sleep on a regular basis. i have to feed real, live children. not internet farm animals.

6. putting old (unflattering) pictures up and tagging me. this category includes putting up pictures of me and old boyfriends. i don't mind if they are up but they will be untagged. my husband would rather not see such pictures every time he looks at my facebook. we like to pretend we never even looked at another person before each other! and i would rather not see the ones of me in 6th grade with bangs bigger than my entire face. thanks for reminding me!

5. inviting everyone to every event you have, no matter where they live. listen, i'm happy for you that you are selling marykay/pampered chef/those christian purses. i hope you find great success. but you live in Tennessee. i'm not coming to the party.

4. status hijacking. we've discussed this before... example? you post something upsetting or frustrating that happened to you (i.e. my car caught on fire on the way home today and now it is totalled.) someone replies with something irritating like "you should be thankful you even have a car. some people in zambabwe have never owned a car." or "you should be happy that now you won't have to pay exhorbitant gas prices. you can just walk everywhere with your five kids". see what i mean? stop it. i will not be happy that my car burned to ashes. i can be frustrated for a minute. it's ok.

3. clicking on all those spam links. You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you look like in the future. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free ipads and you can't see the video of Osama's death... Not on FB. So stop clicking the spam links and exposing yourself and friends to virus risks. (although in my opinion, if you want to see some of those sick videos, you deserve the virus. just sayin...)

2. posting controversial status updates and then getting super angry and defensive when people disagree. i like to rock the boat a bit. i'm all for some lively discussion. you can feel free to debate me on my status and i won't get mad (as long as you don't get rude!) but if you choose to say something risky, be prepared for the response. it's the same with this blog. i know when i post things if it may tick a couple of people off. i'm ok with that. it comes with the territory of being opinionated. but if you choose to do it, you choose to deal with the repercussions.

1. over updating. this is a fine line. i don't really care how many times a day you update your status because i can just not read it. what i'm talking about is doing so over and over again about the same thing. i'm glad your band has a show this weekend. i didn't need to read it four times a day for the last week, along with the email and the event invite. if i like you that much, i'll be there. or i'm happy for you that you are watching _____sporting event/awards show/presidential speech. play by play commentary is for twitter. thank you for your time!
buh bye.

well, that should about cover it for now. i'll let you know if i think of anything else. just trying to give the people what they want!