Friday, January 27, 2012

i'm theMrs and i approved this message!

it's that time again... when our great country comes together to elect a president. while i generally try to avoid politics on this blog, i just can't keep my thoughts to myself this time! that is why i'm running for president. now i won't waste time telling you my qualifications, i think those are apparent. no need to state the obvious! i will, however, share with you my platform. i think you'll find yourself inspired and your patriotic side renewed!

1. i will make it illegal for restaurants to run advertising in cities where they do not have locations! it is cruel and unusual punishment for a tempting baskins robbins or starbucks commercial to run in a town with no way to fulfill those longings. it's criminal. plain and simple.

2. as someone who is in touch with her constituents, i know gas prices are causing struggles for many. do you know what makes it even harder? dragging kids into the gas station to pay! so i'm suggesting a 10 cent off per gallon discount for husbands getting gas for their wives! win/win!

3. i'm really torn on the issue of the death penalty but obviously something severe must be instated with the worst criminals. i propose we make them cashiers at walmart. they obviously are having trouble finding them since there are never more than two open any given saturday. that way we can all get out of there in less than two hours and walmart can still make more money than warren buffet while selling items not even worth their weight in plastic.

4. being that this country is in major debt, it's an issue that must be addressed by any presidential candidate. so i have a ground breaking proposal.. wait for it...
we will no long spend money we don't have. if we don't have it, it will have to be cut from somewhere.

5. it will be a mandatory regulation that tim horton's put the sleeve on hot cups of coffee. no more having to ask every time. as if one time you might want to burn your hand.

6. read my lips: NO NEW CSI'S!

7. theMr would make an excellent first husband. this is not legislation, just fact.

8. no dental procedure would be allowed while the patient is awake. all patients will be put to sleep properly and sent home with good drugs.

9. my cabinet will be composed of my best friend, bethanny frankel, anderson cooper, and dr. drew.

10. the national anthem will be changed to ice, ice baby.

these are just a few of the exciting new changes i have planned! please consider contributing to my campaign in the form of hazelnut lattes and mexican food. it's time for change!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

a guest post from the bean!

Hey, this is the Bean! I've been wanting to do this for a while but haven't gotten the chance. You have heard my life from my mothers point of view, but here is mine..........
The first thing I want to do is show you the top four things I have learned from this blog.
1.My hair is so messy!!!!!!
2.My mother does not like to capitalize.
3.Someone in our house has a name my mom wants to change. (She won't tell
me who though even though I've been nagging.)
4.There is not nearly enough articles about me! (I will have to act up or get a
tattoo or something, jk!)

Here are a seven things you do not know about my mommy:
1.She used to act all the time, like since she was born.
2.When she mentioned her sweats she wasn't lying, she wears them all the
time and they are dead ugly!
3.She's funnier in writing.
4.She's the coolest/funniest person I know
5.She takes a half hour bath every night!
6.She is addicted to reality shows (the Bachelor was on and I was in her way,
so she pushed me!)
7.If you touch her feet she will hit you! Do not touch mom's feet, is a known
around the house!

My life is crazy and usually out of hand but I wouldn't change it for the world! I enjoy reading my mom's blog even though I'm living it! Hopefully I will write again because I enjoy it! (I would love it if you commented!)

<3 Ari

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

the new rules...

i like rules. rules make me feel safe. i also like breaking them occasionally, that feeds a different part of me. but that's a whole other post. but in the world of mothering, i think a few rules have been missed. allow me to fill the gap. act accordingly!

10. no mother should ever have a child going through puberty and one potty training at the same time. it's simply too exhausting to be ruining someone's life at the same time you are cleaning up urine on the living room floor.

9. moms can not only take sick days, they can have a certain number of personal days a year. the number directly corresponds to the number of days your husband plays golf. these days consist of massages, lattes and best friends. they are funded by the government. those guys owe us.

8. baby weight will come off faster with each child. i think after five kids it's only fair to not have to work at it.

7. upon becoming a mother, each woman will be assigned a mentor, a manicurist and a housekeeper. the government will cover this one also. they can take it out of their "useless research projects" fund. (you know, the one that paid for the study to find out how long shrimp can run on a treadmill. i'm not joking.)

6. any time a woman with more than one child receives a diagnoses for one of her children involving a prescription, it should automatically come with refills for her other children. when was the last time you heard of anyone having just one kid get pink eye?

5. a chip would be implanted into all father's brains making them super turned on by sweatpants and hairy legs.

4. speaking of body hair, it will now be self-monitoring. you just wake up and it's gone! poof!

3. when your sweet little one is born you will recieve a starter kit that contains infant gas drops, stretchy yoga pants, a GPS chip for all pacifiers and a tiny bottle of vodka for those really rough nights.

2. a long standing rule that i've always adhered to during my own births and those i've attended for friends: no uterus=no opinion. this extends to opinions on epidurals, positions, or any other decision that can come up during a birth. husbands, your job is to stand there and look cute. if we want your opinion, we'll give it to you.

1. lastly, can we just make an all around rule that allows do overs? just yelled at your kid for spilling chocolate milk all over the couch? let's rewind and have a do over. spoke to your husband in a snippy tone because you are so tired? do over. ate a giant piece of cake before bed? do over. couldn't we all use a do over now and again? let's put it in the rules. we'll have the government pay for it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

tell your story...

i'm looking for guest writers! i'm tired of my own voice. here's your chance to tell your story, whatever it may be! don't feel like you have to be a writer, you have a voice. talk about what ever is in your heart to talk about... just please no politics and no profanity :) leave me a comment, email me, facebook me... you know where i am!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


i had a tooth pulled yesterday. since i'm a total wimp when dealing with denistry, i complained about it for a good 24 hrs on facebook beforehand. luckily, others share my phobia so i didn't alienate all of my friends. i have a lot so what's one or two here or there? just kidding ;) anyway, today i feel like someone punched me in the side of my head. although i've never been punched in the side of my head so i could be mistaken. which is a fabulous feeling to have when you have a whole bunch of toddlers and babies in your house. surprisingly i don't have any bruising or swelling so my ravishing good looks haven't been compromised. phew.

it's raining and 50 degrees here. in ohio. in january. what the what? i have to send ole al gore a thank you card for this global warming. i love it. someone let me know why i should be upset about this?

i haven't taken any pain meds today because i need to be lucid for the little people. this is me sober. you're afraid now, aren't you?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

saturday evening rambling...

just the presence of this post is a testament to what a smashing social calendar i have... blogging on a saturday night! theMr is working all weekend so it's just me and all of these kids! sometimes i look around and wonder what on earth i was thinking having all of these children. did i never want to live in peace again? then one of them does something sweet like draw a picture of me skinny and my heart is warmed.

have you ever noticed that you can tell a lot about people by what pictures they post on facebook? let me break it down for ya.

lots of cleavage? daddy issues.

no pics of their wife or kids? secretly keeping their options open.

only pics of their kids? gained a lot of weight since high school.

all pics of themselves all the time? i think that's pretty self explanatory!

these are the types of deep observations i come up with in my infinite facebook wisdom. i'm sure you're honored that i shared them with you. how many of you are looking at my facebook pics now to see if i fit into any of these categories?

moving on... i think there should be some kind of law that no mother should ever be potty training at the same time she has a child hitting puberty. it's only fair. you should not have to deal with cleaning up urine while busy ruining someone's life. or so i've heard over the slamming doors. sometimes i just want to look at that teenager and say "don't you know how cool i am? i broke my nose in a mosh pit, dear. (she wouldn't know what a mosh pit is though) i pierced my nose with a safety pin when i was barely older than you! (that one would probably come back to bite me!) i got the whole fifth grade at my elementary school to boycott school lunch in protest of the use of styrofoam trays!" she doesn't care. i don't wear skinny jeans and i have way less tattoos than her dad. i'll never be cool enough. although when i think back to the moms who tried to be cool when i was her age, those ladies were embarrassing themselves. so i suppose it's better to be old and not cool to teenagers than be that mom with a really short skirt on and her eyebrow pierced. know what i mean?

as much as i'm sure you are enthralled by this intellectual repartee, i should probably bathe these kids. sigh...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


if you are a mother, you know what Mompetition is. it's the competition that each of us were unwillingly entered in when we gave birth. from the moment you announced your pregnancy it started. we gain and lose points daily for our parenting skills. the prize? being able to look down on all of your friends for their subpar mothering. the loser? well, we're all the loser here really.

natural childbirth? 10pts.

epidural? -5pts

elective c-section? -10pts

breastfeeding? 20 pts.

extended breastfeeding? 50 pts

having your baby sleep through the night by 6 weeks? 10 pts if your friends are "baby-wise" -10pts if they're attachment.

stay at home mom? +25 pts or - 10pts, depends on your audience.

this is the tip of the iceberg. do you make your own baby food? is it organic?? everyone knows the stuff in the jars means you don't really love your baby! what about cloth diapers? what?? you don't care if the environment is ruined for your grandchildren? how long did it take you to potty train? your kid still wets the bed? fail... fail... fail.

this is the message that moms get every day. from magazines, television, blogs, other moms. only the best moms will do. you need to raise your kids perfectly, make their clothes, make their food, teach them a second and third language, vaccinate or delay vaccinating, breastfeed until they're 4, and don't forget to throw lavish, themed parties for every birthday. oh wait, make sure you get that baby weight off in six weeks, don't miss a manicure and look fabulous while doing it. everybody knows the best mom is a hot mom. on top of all of this, you should relish every moment. smiling and basking in the glow that is motherhood. just like june freakin cleaver.

ladies, this is not only impossible, it's toxic. i read an amazing blogger the other day who posted about not seizing the day. she said it's ok to not be loving every moment of motherhood. it's not always enjoyable! can i tell you how relieved i was to read that? overwhelmingly so. how often i've felt guilt for not enjoying my days more. because, really, what's more enjoyable than sleep deprivation mixed with spit up and stretch marks? just because it's worth it, doesn't mean it's easy. in fact, the opposite is usually true!

we'll most likely never get the media to stop putting these pressures on us.

but we can stop putting them on each other.

we can accept that we have different ways of parenting. we can accept that all children are not the same. we can agree that while we may not all see eye to eye, we all love our children. we can all realize that other moms can either be our greatest cheerleader or our worst accuser. it's our choice. i don't want to compete in the Mompetition. i'll lose. every time. i'm flawed, horribly flawed. those flaws extend to my parenting each and every day. i'm losing points right now! my house full of toddlers are watching dora while i type! so i'm bowing out. thanks for the memories...

Friday, January 6, 2012

facebook landscaping, a top ten list

did you know that facebook will let you hide people from your news feed? of all of the things technology has come up with THIS is my favorite. i don't want to remove them from my friends (i'm not heartless) i just don't want to read their statuses~ here are a few that are guaranteed to get the boot!

1. facebook eeyore... you know who i mean. they're always sick. something terrible has happened to them everyday. they post sad, depressed posts every. single. day... we all have rough patches. but if every day is one, see a therapist. if only there was a way to "hide" them in real life...

2. the vague- booker... they post things like "i'm so devastated. i can't believe this is happening." and then not log in for three days. all of their friends are worried and asking if they are ok with no response.

3. the "i will post something controversial and end with i don't want to discuss it". i often post things that i know will get a lively debate going. i like a good debate. if you don't want one, keep your posts neutral!

4. the ever-changing relationship status... they're married, they're single, it's complicated, they're in a relationship, all in the same day!

5. the gamer. every status is about how they need a cow for their farm or something. no thanks.

6. the "texter". example? "so excited 2 B goin 2 movie w/ my frds! C U l8R" ... you have a full keyboard. use it.

7. the "i have no boundaries" poster... they may be telling you about their recent marital dispute, their kid's vomit or posting a pic of their afterbirth. their life is an open book and they can't wait to tell you about it!

8. the youtuber. no statuses, only youtube videos. all day, every day.

9. the "i forget facebook is public" poster. "i'm bout to smoke a joint!" "i drove home so trashed last night!" it should be "i never hope to get a job!"

10. anything i have to repost. let me just clear it up once and for all. i support breast cancer, autism, depression, and any other disease research. i love Jesus, America, freedom, soldiers and everyone else. except for people who post statuses that i've mentioned here.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

deep thoughts by Za

as said to me while making dinner...
"mom, this was the best Christmas ever. not just cause of the presents. because we got to eat popeyes, which is my new favorite nice restaurant. and cause we got to go to grandma lisa's house two times. and because we got a tv where we can watch netflix. and also you let us have soda that one time. it was best Christmas ever."

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

10 things i thought i'd never say, part 2

remember when we talked about this before? well the hits just keep on coming...

10. "please do not put hot dogs in your pocket anymore."

9. "they are called "privates" because we keep them private. that means keeping your pants on at church."

8." just let her hit you with the wrapping paper roll. it keeps her from whining."

7. "we don't pee in cups. even when someone else is in the bathroom."

6. "from now on you are grounded every time you use my toothbrush."

5. "it's cabbage. it's supposed to smell like trash."

4. "we don't eat gum off the ground. even when it's grape."

3. "it's bedtime."
"mommy the sun it out."
"then it's second nap time."

2. "i think i'm gonna sell all my skinny jeans to buy a steam mop."

and the #1 thing i never thought would come out of my mouth....

"i don't want a piece of pie. i'm not snacking after dinner any more."