another glamorous day in the life

Let me paint a picture for you of my afternoon. After work and a full afternoon of appointments, it's 5pm. That's the witching hour around here. Everyone is tired/hungry/psychotic. None of us are at our best. The house is a disaster because I've been gone all day. Esme didn't have a nap for the same reason. Dinner needs to be made. I'm laying on my bedroom floor after throwing up. I'm not sick, I'm stupid. turns out coffee all day + no food= upset stomach. My body was all "uh no thank you. We're not doing this". My compassionate six year old is yelling at me to stop throwing up and MAKE DINNER. My three year old is having a midlife crisis because I turned on the wrong calliou and also Barbie is wearing a purple hat on the kindle game when OBVIOUSLY SHE SHOULD BE WEARING A PINK ONE!!!  It's Norman Rockwell over here. I have to survive one hour until my husband comes home. I briefly consider cookies for dinner, but nix that idea because I will pay dearly in over excited kids. I manage to throw something remotely healthy together (and by healthy, I mean there was a vegetable on the plate). It's Monday. I need a vacation. I don't have a witty, feel good ending. The end.

twas the night before school starts...

Hey, did you hear that school starts tomorrow? I love the beginning of the school year, not only because my house can stay clean for seven minutes instead of three, but also the excitement! New shoes and new haircuts and ROUTINE! Our house can go back to a finely oiled machine instead of the frat house it becomes over the summer. Now with five kids starting back, I start preparing early. No procrastinating! By this past weekend I had bought 132 glue sticks and enough tissues for a hospital and at least ten one direction themed items. I was pretty proud of myself for being so on top of things! Until Monday...when I realized Esme has to wear uniforms at preschool. Complicated by the fact that nobody makes uniforms in 2T because when on earth does such a tiny person need a uniform? No worries...we'll just throw something together and I'll shop this weekend. Then I realize that somehow I forgot to get left handed scissors for Aliyah. I'll just run by Wal-Mart on my way to work today! Can I just say that they should warn people that going to the school supply section in Wal-Mart the day before school starts is like wandering into a den of angry wolves? Or maybe a crack house? Or possibly a den of angry crackheads? But I got the scissors. It's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out. I went to work and got home around 6:30. Now keep in mind, theMr is still at work also. That means the house looks like it should be condemned and the kids are VERY excited about tomorrow...which translates into running around screaming and punching each other. It's now 7pm and all I have left to do is bathe five kids/find the storage bin of uniforms/iron the uniforms because apparently I packed them away unfolded and they now look like homeless people's clothes/pack lunches/paint tiny nails/and get them settled down and to sleep before midnight. Easy peasy! But after all the chaos, I'm kissing little cheeks and saying bedtime prayers and reminded why I do all of this when Esme says to me, in her sweet little voice,
"I hope I learn where stinkers come from at preschool tomorrow!" 

happy first day of school from our family to yours :)

concerning the children...

Hey friends!  I've had a few people lately asking why I haven't talked about my kids here in a long time. I'd like to address that. Basically, my kids are older now. They have their own stories to tell that are not mine to share. I feel that I need to respect their privacy. For many years, this blog filled a void for me as I was home raising (lots!) Of young children. But as its evolved, I've come to realize more and more my childrens need for privacy. So I've pretty much moved to only sharing my own experiences. It's all I really have the right to share. I'm not saying I'll never talk about the kids again, but it won't be my focus. I've also had comments about my lack of posts. It is what it is. I write when I feel strongly there is something I need to say. My days of blogging my every day are long gone. While I still have moments that I feel compelled to share a piece of my journey, they are fewer and farther between. I share a lot about my personal life on Facebook, which is all people I know in real life. I just don't feel the need to share those details in a public forum. So that's about it. Thanks for asking!

a word of advice

I'm just gonna rant for a minute...is that ok? I try to write honest, insightful posts that will encourage my readers. But sometimes I just want to use the internet as a vehicle to complain, you know what I'm saying G?

Alrighty so I read a blog today which asked what internet phrases you would like to ban. You know...like "just saying"..."I died"...etc. I don't really mind those too much but there is one that makes me CAPS LOCK CRAZY. When one refers to their family member as DH, DD and so on. If you are fortunate enough to not frequent sites where mothers interact, you may not be aware what they mean. Let me break it down:
DH- darling husband
DD- darling daughter
DS- darling son

Um, no. My husband can be many wonderful things but darling is not one of them. And the teenager? Not so much. don't get me started on the conglomeration of dirt and marker stains that represent my sons. I love all of these people, truly, but not a one of them is darling. Not even the three year old, who fyi has decided that she will no longer be wearing pants. At all. As in she's trying to play outside with a naked booty. Not darling.

I'd like to offer some alternatives to anyone who'd be interested in quitting. So you can still share stories about your beloved. here are a few suggestions:

IBHH: infuriating but hot husband
HWGMG: he who gave me gray
Or if you'd prefer something shorter, just go with TM: that man. We'll know who you mean. Now for your children, I'd suggest
 SWIH: she who is hormonal or
THT: tiny hoarding toddler or even
POMW: people of my womb

for sons-
PP: pig pen or
JOF: jumps off furniture or even
HWGMG, JR: he who gave me gray Jr.

This has been a public service announcement from theMrs. Please meditate on these thoughts and act accordingly. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Carry on.

"Am I darling? Or maybe just a little bit crazy..."

10 Pieces of advice you shouldn't follow

i'm going to give you advice on advice. no, the irony doesn't escape me. i am not an expert on anything, i'm not a therapist or a doctor. i don't have a counseling license, half the time i don't even know what i'm doing. but all of these are things i've learned the hard way. i took the field trip. trust me.

10. Never go to sleep angry.  wrong. sometimes you just need to go to sleep. most of us are at our emotional worst by the end of the day. we're tired, impatient and done. trying to iron out marital spats while in that place is a disaster waiting to happen. there are few things that don't seem quite so bad after a good night's sleep. so give each other a kiss (forced) and decide to sleep on it. it probably won't seem like nearly as big of a deal in the morning!

9. You can't spoil a baby. Uh, sure you can. Obviously infants need their needs met to form healthy attachment. No one is debating that. But your baby does not need to be held all of the time. Or while they sleep. Because even though that seems precious now, in a year it will not. When your child screams outside the door every time you shower. When you can never have a date night because you're the only one who can put your little darling to bed. Or worse, when you haven't had sex in a year because that sweetheart will only sleep between you and your husband. No baby has ever died from being allowed to cry while his mother showered. Trust me.

8. Don't cry over spilled milk.  Listen, if that milk is spilled in your minivan, which now smells like curdled death every time you get in it? Go ahead and cry. It won't make your van smell better but it may make you feel better. Besides, it's good for kids to learn that sometimes mommy cries too.

7. Marriage is 50/50. No. Marriage is more like 150/150, if it's going to last. I'm not a mathematician, but i'm pretty sure that adds up. There will be days when your spouse gives far less than you feel like they should. Give even more those days. When the tables turn and YOU are the depleted one, they will hopefully give it back.  The premise is simple: if both parties of a marriage are focusing their energy on making the other happy, odds are you will both be happy.

6.  It takes a village to raise a child. Not so much. In fact, we really just need the village to stop telling us how to raise our children on facebook.

5. Boys will be boys! Yes, they will. Until their mother teaches them how to act likek civil human beings and doesn't excuse their behavior by their gender. I have boys that are ALL boy. I can let them be that without letting them act like savages because they have a penis.

4. It's the thought that counts. If the thought was "My wife would LOVE an ab roller for Valentine's day!" you are wrong and it does not count.

3. God will never give you more than you can handle! Uh, yes He will. If you could handle it all on your own, what would you need God for? He will not, however, give you anything that the two of you cant handle together :)

2. Enjoy every moment! If you enjoy googling how to get urine out of furnace ducts, I can't help you.

1. Fake it till you make it! I think this one is the most damaging to mothers.  You know what? If you are not "making it", you don't have to pretend you are. It's ok to tell people you are struggling and you need help. It is good for you. Sometimes we all just need to permission to be a hot mess.  If you fake it, how will your  friends know to bring iced lattes and take a kid for an hour? Be real. It's the only way to survive this thing called motherhood with a shred of sanity. Your friends will appreciate it, your kids will learn that it's OK to ask for help and you will model for them that weaknesses are not dirty secrets to be hidden away. You will teach them to be who they are, flaws and all. And isn't that what we really want for them?

Mompetition, Part 2

if you've been here a while, you may remember this post. it was one of my most widely read. it was all about the competition that is motherhood. nobody talks about it but it's there. in the past few weeks i have seen it rampant on facebook. from judgement about where to send your kid to school to the great breastfeeding debate, it's everywhere. and now we have pinterest and facebook and etsy to really bring home all of the things other moms are doing that we aren't. have you ever searched "kid's birthday party" on pinterest? holy. cow... don't do it. if i've learned anything in 13 years of parenting, it's stop comparing yourself to other mothers. stay out of the race, you can't win.

and yet... i still battle it. i find myself justifying my parenting choices to those who disagree. or getting irate at a facebook debate with people i don't even know! i realized a few weeks ago how far i need to go while attending a parent's meeting for one of my children. my kids attend a phenomenal private christian school. we love it there and we work our tails off to afford tuition. that being said, we are probably not your typical "private school parents".  So i'm sitting in this meeting, looking around, noticing how different i am than most of the other mothers. i don't own a sweater set. i have visible tattoos. i've never once sent an adorable themed snack to school for one of my kids' birthdays. heck, most of my kids' teacher may not even know what i look like. but the thing that stood out to me the most was that i was the only mom sitting alone. most of the other mothers know each other because they all volunteer often.  i'm at work. i don't have time to be at the school in the middle of the day. i have five kids and a job and a business and a million other responsibilities. i sat there feeling judgement that probably didn't even exist. if i really think about it, i bet none of them had a thought about me at all. but it bothered me. i began that familiar condemnation of mom guilt...reminding myself of all the things i don't do.

i've never thrown a big party for any of my kid's birthdays. in fact, i've never even sent anything to school for them. 

i've never made a costume, a set of curtains or even hemmed a skirt. i bribe my dear friend Nicole to hem my kid's uniforms!

i've never decorated for a holiday other than Christmas.

i've never taken my kids to disney world.

my  kids don't play sports and i could not be happier about it.

the list could go on on and on of all the things i don't do that make me not good enough as a mother. if i allow it, my insecurity could convince me that i am failing in all areas of motherhood.

but if i pull myself out of that destructive pit for just a moment, i can think about the things i am doing for my kids. when they are grown, will they be mad that i never threw an elaborate party for them? or will they be glad that i taught them to love every kind of music from punk to gospel to blue grass to hip hop.
will they feel that they missed out on having a mom that does crafts and activities? or will they realize the value of a mom who taught them to dance in the garage, to laugh when life sucks and that it's ok to say "sucks" when no other word will work.
will my daughters wish i had taught them to clean more, cook better, sew costumes? or will they realize that i may have missed those things... i did teach them to think for themselves, to dream big, to be what ever they want to be.

at the core of judgement is our own hearts. what others think is only significant if deep inside we agree.  so if you are a crafty mom...craft on! if you are a dancing mom, turn up the music! whatever your style, be who you are and don't let anyone tell you it's not good enough. especially yourself.

homeschool, public school, private school, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, attachment parenting, staying at home, working outside of the home, car seats, booster seats, potty seats... whatever your choose...
 OWN IT.

 and don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

grace wins

today was a long day. like a tired-stressed-anxious-iwanttodrownmystressinchocolate kinda day. theMr is in full construction mode and working 60-70 hours a week, not getting home until nearly 10 most nights. we are at the beginning of what may be a huge battle over our foreclosure. i spent the afternoon, after work, writing and mailing letters to politicians and media. my brain has been churning all day... grumpy mom plus five kids is not a super combo. by bedtime, i am done. i'm tucking esme in, i lean down to kiss her and she whispers "you is beautiful, mama". oh sweetpea...when she looked at me in that moment, she saw the mom who tucks her in and kisses her every night. the mom who buys her dora yogurt even though it's overpriced and full of sugar. the mom who "carries her like a baby" when she asks. what she didn't see is the frazzled mom who yelled at her today for not putting on her shoes. or the mom who was sick all afternoon from a week of bad eating. or the mom who hid in her bedroom watching tv while her kids played in the next room. she didn't see the mom who loses her temper too often and cusses under breath and doesn't separate the lights from the darks and is a crazy person without her antidepressant. because when she looks at me, she sees love. and love doesn't see flaws. when you look at someone with love, you see all of the things you love about them. the most amazing thing about that interaction is that it's just a glimpse of Jesus. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sin or our flaws or all of the ways we fall short. He sees his beloved child. He delights in us! how precious that a three year old can model that. i so often think i am the one doing all of the teaching in this relationship, i could not be more wrong.

10 headlines you may read about theMrs

im gonna be famous someday...for all the wrong reasons

10. woman found wandering around starbucks parking lot mumbling after 132 car troubles. Husband says he fixed it.

9. Local mom discovered after being reported missing three days ago.  She was trapped under large pile of laundry.

8. Parents of five reported to authorities by their own children for child labor violations.  Authorities say the charges are substantiated.

7, Nanny needed: Must cook, clean and facilitate the recording of all episodes of big bang theory.

6, Man awarded a purple heart medal for his heroic efforts dealing with his wife's mood swings after hysterectomy.

5. Scientists discover new life form in children's bathroom. Children claim they just cleaned it on chore day.

4. Springfield woman taken away in handcuffs after being told by pediatrician that children who are teething do not run fevers,,,again.

3.  Local couple busted in prostitution sting at hourly hotel...investigation uncovers they were just looking for a cheap place to nap.

2. America's most beautiful child contest a five way tie, first time in history!

1. Local blogger thought to be dead. Early reports say she is fine, just too lazy to type on iPad.

life of leisure

i've been daydreaming all summer about what bliss it was going to be when school started and it was just me and esme at home. how we were going to color pictures and shop and live a life of leisure together. did you hear that?? it's reality knocking. spending all day with a two year old is like spending with an unmedicated, psychotic hoarder.  that talks a lot.
 she's happy,
she's sad.
 she hates the blue cup.
 she only wants to watch "the shortcake show".
 she wants to narrarate it even though i'm sitting right next to her.
we can't leave the house without her plaid purse, saltines, her matchbox cars, a comb and her plastic transformer that she named "daddy".
 we've discussed her mood swings before. this girl is loco. sometimes i pretend i have to use the bathroom just for a few minutes of peace. the first week i planned all of these fun playdates so she wouldn't miss the kids too much. except now she thinks we are supposed to do something fun and exciting every day.  so when i tell her we're staying home to do laundry and organize my nail polishes, it's full on meltdown. until she sees the nail polish. then she's happy. until i tell her she can't paint her own nails. back to meltdown. until calliou comes on. overjoyed! but wait...she needs a chocolate snack while she watches... we don't eat chocolate at 9:30 a.m. (well, children don't. adults do. but only in the pantry where children can't see.) it's like a toddler emotional roller coaster that NEVER ENDS. you see what i'm saying??

the power of words: a top ten list

10. words i never thought i'd say: "we don't call each other uteruses"

9. words every wife loves to hear: "you were right"

8. words every mother loves to hear: "i'm tired. i want to go to bed."

7. words every husband dreads: "we need to talk"

6. words every child dreads: "tuna noodle casserole for dinner!"

5. words i'm tired of saying: "because i'm your mother, that's why"

4. words i need to hear more of: "let me help you with that mom!"

3. words i need to hear less of: "that's not fair!"

2. words that i hope to never say again: "i'm late"

1. words you can never say too much: "i love you"

10 things no mother wants to hear...

"did you see what i did on my wall?!"

 "look mama, i cut my own hair!"

 "dad said we could"

 "mama, guess where i peed?!"

 "i was gonna clean it up but i remembered you would be home soon."

 "mom, where's the mop?"

 "we just wanted to see if he would land on his feet"

 "mom, your butt is really big!"

  "mommy i made an experiment!"

 "don't worry mom, i told the guy at the door you were going potty."

the bean turns 13

 today Ariana turns 13. i'm sitting in a hotel room with her and her best friend. we're on a weekend trip to celebrate her entrance into womanhood. and have lots of fun ;) while i'm sitting here, sounds of giggling coming from the next room, i'm a little overwhelmed at thinking she is 13. i had her when i was in college and i had no stinking clue what i was doing. young women in college are not supposed to have babies. they are not equipped for it.  her conception was (obviously) a huge surprise. the shock was soon followed by joy, i knew i had always wanted babies. i was just getting an early start. i was a full time college student and a full time worker through my entire pregnancy. i had her in a birthing center that actually acted like a birthing center. i was allowed to lay in the grass outside while i labored and have all of my friends there. i was supported for my choice to go natural and encouraged when it got really bad and i thought i wanted to quit. but after 28 hours of labor, that blessed midwife finally said "PUSH!"  by that point i would have done any crazy thing she asked if it meant the pain would stop. i did push. after a bit of that, they laid a beautiful, screaming baby on my chest and told me she was a girl. the second big surprise she gave me. while i stared at her red, wailing self, i had no idea my whole world had just changed. really, irrevocably, changed. i looked at her perfect face and said "hi" and she immediately stopped crying. as soon as she heard my voice she remembered that we know each other. we just sat and stared at one another, while chaos ensued around us from all of the people in the room.  (we've learned with subsequent births that having everybody in the room isn't always the most relaxing ;)
     because it was the middle of the night, soon they were all gone and it was just me and her. Eli was passed out on the couch. the lights were dim and she was wide awake. i can remember just staring at her tiny body.

 i had never in my life felt so overwhelmed with love.

 i had never felt this new foreign devotion. that i would literally slay a dragon for her.  

that i would annihilate the person that  caused her tears.

 that i was her mama. 

if someone had told me the kind of young woman she would be at 13, i'm not sure i would've believed it. her father and i were so very flawed in those early parenting things. i could spend weeks telling you everything we did wrong with that one and still not have enough time. when i think about that i realize that she turned into this incredible thing because it's just who she is. it's not her parenting. it's HER.  she just really is an amazing being.

she is compassionate to a fault.  she loves deeply and wholly. she is a lover of souls and she never fails to show it. 









 She is so very smart.  smart and wise beyond her years. i would say she's an old soul, if i believed in such things.

she is a kind and loyal friend. one that any young girl would be blessed to have.

she's fun. lots and lots of fun. 

she has a beautiful smile that she gives freely.

she is meant for amazing things.  just amazing things.

i am honored to be her mother. i am more proud of her every day. she changed my life by simply being born.  she changes my life each and ever day by being who she is. there is nothing i wouldn't do for her. she's my bean.

an overdue top ten

is anyone still here?  i think this is the longest period i've ever gone without posting since i started this blog! life is busy, you know how it is. i think of a post, i start it in my head, it never gets any further than that. good thing i'm not getting paid for this...i'd be broke!

i thought i'd try to catch up on our summer for those who are not my facebook friends.

top ten most noteworthy events of summer 2012~

10. theMrs is officially done potty training...kinda. except when she decides to hide and poop in her pants. other than that we're golden!

9. we are obsessed with the olympics! the other night the bean and i stayed up until midnight cheering on the girls gymnastics team and watching them receive their medals! there have been lots of somersaults and head stands around here!

8. i don't want to ever talk about chik fil a  again. i'm saddened by both sides. if you want to know my view, read here.

7. we got fleas...again. which is doubly irritating since we don't have any pets. $250 later they are hopefully gone!

6. Za turned 10, the Princess turned 8 and theMr and i celebrated our 12th anniversary with a trip alone!

5. the bean is turning 13 in a week! we are celebrating her entry into womanhood with a girls only weekend away for her and her BFF! 

4. safe families has gained some steam and i'm just trying to keep up with the momentum! i'm developing a team of people who believe in this vision and im excited to see it coming to fruition. while i struggle to manage working while home with five kids, it's coming along. i'm hoping things will be a bit easier once school starts. 

3. theMr has been working like a maniac. his business has really taken off this year. he's super busy but works hard at juggling his time with that and at home. you can "like" his business facebook page to see pics of what he's been doing all summer!

2. we may be moving! i can't go in to a lot of detail at this point, but this is pretty huge for us. we bought this house 10 years ago and have more than outgrown it. i'll keep ya posted :)

1. we are preparing for another year of school to begin! pencils to buy, uniforms to try on, silence to look forward to! it is a LOT of work for four kids to start school... but oh so worth it! we are blessed to have the opportunity to send our kids back to Emmanuel Christian Academy again. it is an amazing school and we are thankful to be a part of it.

that's all we have going on... what about you?!

summertime!

i read a lot of happy blogs. i don't like mopey depressing ones. the problem with (some) blogs is that they are so overly happy. summer is prime time for delightful, perfect pictures of all the wonderful activities they are doing...

playing cards when the weather is yucky...

summer haircuts...

swimming...

more swimming....

even more swimming....

going to the fair...

and running on the slip n slide!

do you know what those blogs don't tell you? it's only half way through summer and these kids are driving me crazy! like put on a straitjacket, medicate me CRAZY. the fighting and the messes and the wet grass tracked through the kitchen and the arguments over which movie to watch and the staying up late and being grumpy and the fighting!! i am counting down the moments until that beloved yellow bus makes it appearance. i hope i make it!

Guest Post on dating!

i'm so excited to share this guest post. over the past few years, as we've (tried) to prepare for having teenagers, we've given a lot of prayer and thought to how we would handle dating. theMr and i made some really bad choices as single people, including a child out of wedlock and the repercussions that go with it. we made a decision a few years ago to not allow our children to date until they graduate high school. in the time since, we've asked many parents of teens how they handle this issue. one of those i have practically grilled on the issue is my friend Jen. the reason? she has fantastic teenagers. three of them. they are smart and funny and polite and delightful. i find myself gravitating towards people with teens like that and trying to soak in what they are doing. everyone has "advice" on parenting but the proof is in the pudding. find people with great kids and watch them!  in the midst of these discussions, the dating issue came up. as it turns out, they have the same views about dating as we do. i asked Jen to do a guest post because she has a lot more experience in this than i do! i'm just getting started in the world of raising teens. i'm so glad i did, she expressed it perfectly. enjoy!
     

I am the mom of 3 teens. They are smart (straight A’s). They are talented (the 3 of them practically have their own band).  They are funny and kind. They’re really good-looking. And none of them has ever been on a date.

            The dating thing? It’s by choice. From the time our kids were little, we wanted to figure out a way to avoid the whole teenage dating scenario. Our own dating experiences caused us to take a good look at what the purpose of dating really is. But how could we raise kids who were ok with not dating? Was it possible to help them avoid the whole dating scene and still be normal? I’m happy to tell you that not only is it possible, but I believe that waiting to date has actually freed my kids up to enjoy their teenage years and helped them be mentally, spiritually and physically healthy.

            I have no problem with families whose teenagers are dating, because every family has to decide what works for them. But in case you’re wondering how & why any teenager would choose to be dateless, here’s some of the philosophy & strategies that worked for us. Just a word of warning, though: if you’re the kind of person who likes to be conventional, you should probably just skip the rest of this post!

            The foundational idea for our dating philosophy is that we believe the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Whoa, you might say! That’s way too intense for teenagers to have to worry about. What about just letting them have fun, explore relationships with the opposite sex, etc? Well, here’s the bottom line: biology dictates that as soon as kids hit puberty, their hormones demand that they begin reproducing as soon as possible. You can’t fight it. It’s the way we were designed. So when you have a couple of teens alone  for hours, “exploring” their relationship with each other, you have the human equivalent of a spark and a match. It’s just a matter of time before something will ignite. This is not a bad thing. Like I said, it’s the way we were designed.

            So if the hormones of puberty are what kick-starts our path toward the opposite sex, then what lies at the end of that path? That’s easy: marriage. The whole point of becoming interested in someone else is so that we will ultimately find a life partner.

Here’s a radical idea: no one is ready to find a life partner at 12! or 15! or even 17, for that matter! 

            I can almost hear the skepticism. “What about just letting kids have fun? What about letting them go out in groups so they can get to know each other? I dated my husband/wife all through high school and we turned out fine! You’re taking this way too seriously!”

            Let me give you a visual. What would happen if you glued 2 pieces of paper together and then changed your mind and tried to pull them apart? The papers would rip. At best you would have one piece of paper that was really thin in spots where a layer of it was still stuck to the other piece. This is what happens when kids give their hearts away by having romantic feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. Every time your child develops feelings for someone else, he/she leaves a little bit of his/her heart with that person.

            I don’t want my kids offering their future spouses a ripped-up heart.

            So what do you do then? How do you keep your kids from dating?.

            Well, basically you don’t keep them from dating. What you do is begin to build a wise view of dating into them from the time they’re little, so that by the time they’re teenagers, they get it so thoroughly that they have no desire to date (ok, realistically they might HAVE the desire, but they don’t act on it because it’s so not part of who they are, and what your family values are).

            Some practical strategies:

            1. Always link dating to marriage. When our kids were little, whenever we saw a teenage couple on TV or in a movie, we made a joke about it. “Look at those two! Do you think they’re old enough to get married?”... followed by a huge laugh, as if this was the funniest thing we’d ever heard. The kids quickly figured out that the purpose of dating was marriage.

            2. As your kids get older, point out examples that will hit them personally (and if it embarrasses your kid, all the better!). We have relatives in North Carolina, a state in which you can get married (with parental consent) at 14. When our kids hit 14, we of course teased them that they could get married in NC. They were so horrified that they didn’t think this was funny AT ALL! Point taken.

            3. Go on “dates” with your opposite-sex children. Moms, take your sons on dates. Dads, take your daughters on dates. Do not underestimate the power of these times together. For years our girls have gone on an annual father-daughter dance. It has become their prom. They dress up, do their hair, etc., for their dad. It’s the coolest thing ever. Doing these special things builds up your child’s sense of how to be treated by the opposite sex and affirms what is special about their gender. It insulates them against the huge affirmation that so many teens try to find in the opposite sex. Kids who are affirmed by their opposite sex parent won’t need nearly as much affirmation by their peers. If you are a single parent, find a relative or close friend who can help you out in this area.

            4. Don’t be afraid to limit technology. Kids have access to each other 24/7 in ways we didn’t. Remember that technology should function as a tool, not a noose. Ask yourself how cellphones, Facebook, Twitter, and the internet can be helpful to your family. If they’re not helpful - if you’re not comfortable letting your kids  talk/text/facebook with the opposite sex, great! Just say no. You are the parent. However, I believe it is important to explain your reasons to your kids, and even get their input so they feel heard and will know you’re limiting things because you care and not because you’re just trying to drop the hammer.

            4 ½. Some Facebook tips: if you’ve decided to let your kids be on Facebook, one simple way to monitor this is to tell them that whenever possible, whoever is their friend needs to be your friend too. This way you will see all the things their friends post. Sometimes it isn’t possible to “friend” all your kids’ friends, so make sure your child knows you have the right to log onto his/her account anytime you want. In our house this is nonnegotiable. Also, know your child’s password. For that matter, let your kid know your password too. Everyone in our family knows everyone else’s password and can log on to each other’s accounts if they want.

            5. Get some good resources to back you up. One popular book about this subject is I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Find friends who share your philosophy. This will be really important when your kids are teens and need to know they’re not the only ones not dating. Having a few friends in the same boat will help them not feel weird.

             Ok, I have to throw this in: Don’t be afraid to be different. Being unconventional means you are thinking for yourself. Be proud of that without being obnoxious. You don’t have to go around defending your position, but you also don’t have to make converts, either. People will notice that your kids are happier, more well-adjusted, and allover nice people when you make decisions that promote their well-being even if those are not the popular choices.

            Parents, we have an awesome responsibility. We also have an amazing opportunity to shape our kids’ lives. Don’t be afraid of this, but take hold of it with joy, knowing that whenever you think through parenting decisions, you’re trying to do what’s best for your kids. In the end, that’s what counts.

    

our visitor

the kids came and woke me up this morning to tell me there was a rat in the house. we get mice every spring, so naturally i ignored them and went back to sleep! when i got up, i sat in my favorite spot in the sitting room with my first cup of coffee and my laptop. while i'm basking in the few moments of quiet (the kids were upstairs starting their chores) i have a little surprise... something running across the floor in front of me. at first, i thought it was a giant rat. then i realized it was a small possum. so i'm standing on the couch screaming, Aliyah is standing on the coffee table screaming, Esme is chasing it saying "come here, kitty!"  i opened the front door and after a few minutes Isaiah was able to chase it out! i think it was more anxious to get out of this crazy place with screaming females and a toddler hell bent on putting it in a baby carriage!  after all of our adrenalin subsided, i realized i was actually relieved that it was a possum as opposed to a rat. i mean, when have you ever heard of someone having one rat? i have no idea how it got in and i sincerely hope it never manages to do again. i never thought anything would be a more effective wake up tool than my keurig. guess i was wrong!

mother's day, social media and other random things

good morning! did you all have a wonderful mother's day? i'm not sure about everyone else, but my only requirement on mother's day is NO cooking and NO cleaning. now that means i have a mess to deal with on monday, but it's totally worth it. the best part? i woke up sunday morning and my husband had already gotten himself ready and most of the kids for church. i only had to get myself ready. best mother's day gift ever.  i was already in a relaxed state of mind after spending part of thursday and friday out of town with my mom. she had to go to a training for work a few hours away. i went along to be her bellhop and spend time alone in a hotel. delightful!

i've been thinking a lot lately about boundaries concerning social media and blogging. i'm always wondering where the line is between what to share and what not to share. and we all know there are many on the internet that have no such qualms. i read a blogger recently who described in detail her five year old's sexual assault. she did so under the guise of wanting to raise awareness but the whole thing made me want to vomit. her daughter's only voice in the world is her mother and she violated that trust. i try to be careful and aware of what i post about my kids. i often wonder if they will grow up and resent it? or will it be normal because they grew up in an age of social media? i don't know. i don't think any of us do. there are struggles that my kids have that i never speak of here. there are experiences that may benefit another but are not my story to tell. it's a hard line and i'm sure i miss it at times. i commented to a friend the other day that hopefully our kids wouldn't all end up in therapy. she laughed and said "i don't have a single friend who hasn't been in therapy at one point or another so i suppose it's inevitable!" i hadn't thought of that before! LOL when it's all said and done, i hope they will grow up and read this blog and see that we laughed and we loved each other and i was blessed to be their mother. and they'll skip past the posts about romance.

10 things mom REALLY wants for mother's day...

mother's day is complicated. how do properly honor a woman who pushed your entire body out of hers? there's always the old standby; flowers, candy, etc.  but what does Mom really want? i'll clue you in!

10. a day of everyone picking up their own laundry. never underestimate the value of 24 hours of not touching anyone else's underwear.

9. to sleep in. disclaimer: this does not mean lying in bed while kids bang on the door crying for you. i know, shocking.

8. someone else to cook dinner and clean up from it. better yet, take out.

7. never underrate how much we still love those homemade cards from our kids. we're still mothers :)

6. a leisurely bath in a clean bathtub.

5. you can never go wrong with chocolate. unless your wife is losing weight, like i am.  then don't bring home chocolate... because she will eat it.

4. gifts are good. not a gym membership, stinky perfume or tickets to your favorite sporting event. diamonds are a girl's best friend.

3. speaking of gifts, every mother loves things that represent their children. a friend of mine recently made me this necklace. there is an egg in the nest for each of my children. it is my favorite thing ever.

2. interview your kids about mom, either on video or written down. the results will be hilarious and she will treasure it!

1.  appreciation and encouragement. motherhood is a hard job and we're not supposed to drink in the mornings. take a minute to tell your wife (and your own mother!) what she means to you. she needs to hear it. trust me.

what's cookin?

i know it's been awhile... things have been super hectic around here. spring is when business starts picking up for theMr and i become a single parent.  many times a week i think of things to talk about here and never find the time to do it! (this is why i could never be a professional blogger!) but i just had to share with you a story.

you know the saying "when it rains, it pours"? well that sentiment could not be more true in this household. two weeks ago our dishwasher died. this may not seem like a big deal but in a house of seven people it is catastrophic. i'm not gonna lie, i was in a panic.  theMr spent several days trying to fix it, to no avail. we ended up having to replace it. i tried really hard to have the attitude of thankfulness that we had a few dollars in savings that would cover it, as opposed to be bummed that we'd have to spend our savings.  within two days of that my phone stopped functioning. my six week old, very expensive phone.  thankfully, it was insured and replaced quickly and for free. then last week, our oven died. seriously. it almost started a fire while i had a house full of kids. it's only four years old.  once again, theMr spent days trying to fix it with no luck. we are on week two of no oven.  we knew it would be a minimum of two to three weeks before we could get together enough for a new stove.  again, with a family our size this is a major hassle. i don't generally cook boxed or microwave foods for the kids. i'm a homemade meals kinda girl. so this has been stressing me out. by sunday morning, i was over it. just in time to leave for church. as we were getting in the car, i set theMr's Ipad on the passenger seat. when he opened the door, it fell out and shattered. it is four weeks old. for real. WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER HERE??!  thankfully, it also is insured and was replaced immediately. and he was very calm and kind about the fact that his wife just broke his most treasured possession. his response? "it's just stuff."  i love that guy.

now i'm not telling you all of these woes for a pity party. i'm not battling cancer or homelessness. these problems are drops in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. but i have a point. by sunday evening, i was really having a battle in my mind. i've shared before that we don't believe in the use of credit cards or financing in general.  these recent situations are where the rubber meets the road. it would be so much more convenient to just charge a new stove and pay it off over the next few months. this is what was going through my head that evening.

why can't we just finance this one thing?

everybody else does it?

what's the big deal? we have to have a stove!

in the midst of this mental storm, a still small voice reminded me of something:  the Lord is my provider. not Visa. not Lowes. not even theMr.   the God of all creation is more than able to take care of my tiny needs.  He created the heavens and the Earth. surely He can handle a measly appliance!  i went to bed telling him i trust Him while confessing my lack of trust.

i got up monday morning and took my kids to school. i returned home and sat down to check my email and drink some coffee before heading out to price stoves and determine how much we'd need to come up with.  i opened an email from one of our pastors. it read that someone had dropped off an anonymous check for us at the church.  a large anonymous check. way more than a stove would cost. i sat there in shock. it will not only pay for a stove, but some tools theMr desperately needs for his business.  for the first time in my entire adult life, i will be able to pick out a nice appliance as opposed to the cheapest one they have. holy moly. 

friends, this story is not about the money. this story is about a God who is big enough to create the oceans and the stars yet is loving enough to provide a stove to a family who needs it.  He didn't do it because i'm a "good christian" or i earned it in any way. trust me when i tell you that i am a sinner to rival all sinners. i am selfish and rude and judgmental and prideful and moody. i'm a terrible person. i have done nothing to deserve the love of the King of the universe. therein lies the point of this post.  nothing i could ever do would earn His love and He loves me anyway.  He has the same love for you.  He sees into my wicked heart and loves me. He doesn't see all of my inadequacies and sin. He sees me.  and i'm His.  He desires to meet all of your needs just the same as He meets mine.

thank you Jesus!

a private message to mothers of young children...

over the weekend, i witnessed something i know all too well while grocery shopping. a toddler, maybe a year old, having a full blown tantrum in a walmart cart. his harried mother was trying everything in her repertoire to calm him, to no avail. he was not having it. i looked around at the responses the other shoppers. some, like myself, were looking on with sympathy. but others were downright scowling. if looks could kill that kid would've been an orphan. i wanted so badly to put my arm around this stranger and promise her it will get easier.



as someone who has been in this position more times than i can count, i felt her pain. it is frustrating, embarrassing and maddening. add to it glares and judgmental head shaking from strangers and you have a full fledged episode. i can't help but wonder.. have those head shakers ever shopped with young children? if so, surely they can remember how stressful it is? do they just not know any better?



i'll never forget trying to leave my grandmother's funeral visitation. theMr was at work. i was 8 months pregnant with esme. it was 8:30p and well past time to go. i was carrying the 2 yr old sideways like a football while he had a screaming meltdown. i was literally dragging the 4 yr old by the collar while threatening the older two under my breath. all the while hoping i didn't give birth in the parking lot. i got to the door of the funeral home and the two employees standing there just stood and stared as i pushed the door open with my (ample) hip and dragged everyone outside. no one offered to get the door. no one offered to help me. not those employees nor any of my friends or family inside. i got everyone strapped in their many carseats. i wasn't sure if i wanted to cry or cuss. in those moments you feel invisible, even though everyone is watching.



as someone who is just about past the stage of public tantrum throwing, i just need to offer a little encouragement. to all of the mamas still in the trenches... the ones who fear they will never be able to make a trip to the grocery or the doctors office or the park without someone losing their two year old marbles... it gets easier. i promise. a day will come when all of your children will be able to make through an entire well visit without screaming or trying to bite the nurse. when they can all walk without holding anyone's hand. when you can use a regular shopping cart instead of the cadillac sized one that holds four kids. and when that day comes, and you see a mom with a screaming child in her car and a baby on her hip: pat her on the back and tell her "this too shall pass". and look all those scoffers in the eye and tell them to beat it.