tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19049887828868828792024-02-18T22:00:55.725-05:00a day in the life of the mrsthemrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.comBlogger504125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-79784655592008654692017-04-04T12:47:00.002-04:002017-04-04T14:49:13.862-04:00on Freedom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have found myself thinking a lot about slavery and freedom. A dichotomy of my profession is that I see both sides of that coin on a daily basis. There are many I work with still fighting to find their way out of the slavery in which they are bound, be that addiction...domestic violence...poverty or any other number of captors. I also have have the joy of watching many break free and learn to walk in that freedom. The funny thing about slavery is that freedom is just the first step. Learning to live free is a whole other issue. So often you can be free while still living like a slave. If you don't believe me, read about the modern day effects of slavery on the African American population. Although slavery was outlawed in this country over 150 years ago, it's impact on the lives and culture of it's victims continue today. (I won't get into that here, this is not the place for it. But if you'd like to read more, here is a simple place to start <a href="http://atlantablackstar.com/2013/09/30/ways-slavery-still-affects-black-people/" target="_blank">Ways Slavery Still Affects the Black Community</a> ) When you have generations enslaved, it takes generations to break free. My own genealogy is generations of addiction. My parents, my grandparents and on and on. I was able to break free from addiction nearly 19 years ago but changing my behaviors and mindset have taken much longer. Years of counseling, recovery work, tough conversations and lessons learned the hard way were necessary. I have had to be willing to look at myself in the mirror many times and be willing to face what is there. Naively, I thought addiction was the chain I needed broken. I had no idea that was just the first one. I have spent the past ten years learning to be free from codependency, shame, self condemnation, spiritual abuse, patriarchy and the expectations of others. I have come a long way and I still have a long way to go. But today... I am secure in who I am. I am unashamed of my past or present failures. I am unafraid to be vulnerable. I have learned to love myself as a woman and a leader, making no excuses for that and unwilling to yield to those who would want otherwise. But what I never expected in this journey was how uncomfortable I would become with others' slavery. It's as if I have had blinders removed from my eyes and there is no putting them back on. I posted on Facebook the other day the following thought:<br />
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<br /><br />I am no longer able to be in the presence of bondage without addressing it. I can no longer watch someone drag around their chains without offering them help removing them. I can no long stay silent while you operate as slave when you truly are free. Because once you have tasted freedom, you have to share it. When you have learned how to fly, you can't help but show others how to use their wings. One of my favorite thoughts is from Stephanie Gretzinger, a worship leader at Bethel Church. In one of her live videos she says the following:<br /><br /> "We were all born with wings and made to fly. Throw off the heavy things that have kept you from flying. You've believed the lie that you were made for the ground but you've wanted to fly so badly. But you've always had wings. and it's only been a matter of growing them and learning to fly! Whether it's that you didn't know you had wings or you were afraid to fly, let perfect love come in." <br /><br />Because perfect love strips away the lies we've believed about ourselves, the lies our slavers have taught us, the mindset of bondage. <br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<i>That little voice that tells you you will never be good enough</i></div>
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<i>That you will always be a victim</i></div>
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<i>That this is just who you are</i></div>
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<i>That things will never be different for you</i></div>
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<i>That you will never be free.</i></div>
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<br /><br />That voice is shame and the antidote to shame is identity. Shame tells us that we are the sum of our wrongs. Identity tells us that I am not what I have been delivered from but what I am being delivered to. Shame tells us we will forever suffer the consequences of our bad choices. Identity tells us that we have overcome and we will flourish in that freedom. Shame is operating in agreement with a lie, identity is operating in the truth of who you are. When the voice in my head won't be silent, I am learning to replace those lies with truth.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I am free.</b></div>
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<b>I am not bound by other's expectations of me.</b></div>
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<b>I am created in the image of God.</b></div>
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<b>I can walk in that identity with freedom from condemnation.</b></div>
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<b>I am created to co-rule and as an heir to the kingdom</b></div>
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<b>I never again have to "Know my place"</b></div>
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<b>I am no longer addicted</b></div>
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<b>My failures are my teachers and I will not be ashamed of them</b></div>
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<b>I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time</b></div>
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<b>I will walk in who I was created to be and will not apologize for it</b></div>
<br /><br /><br /><br />If shame is whispering in your ear, or shouting at your back, silence it with truth. If those chains are lying around your feet calling you to pick them back, it's time to fly away. If you are believing lies about yourself, ask the creator to replace it with truth. If you don't have anyone in your life who will fight with you in this battle, I am here. You never fight alone. It's time to fly.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
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themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-32873078018726431312016-02-28T15:16:00.000-05:002016-02-28T15:21:34.009-05:00Out of the box<div class="MsoNormal">
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It feels weird to be writing a blog post. It’s been several
years now. Back when I was writing here
regularly, my life was very different. I was a work at home mom with a house
full of young children. This place was my outlet and connection to the outside
world. Over time, I went back to work.
My kids grew older and their stories became theirs to tell and no longer mine.
I lost the desire to write my feelings as I spend most days at work sharing
them. I no longer needed that outlet. People occasionally ask me when I’ll blog
again and my response is always the same… <i>“when
I have something I just have to say.”</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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This post has been brewing for me for several years. In
reality, the journey started for me in my early 30’s as I began really
unpacking who I am. What a long strange trip it’s been. But oh the freedom that
has sprung from it. But first, a little background…<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was raised in a family of strong women. Raised by a single
mother who had a single mother. Then when I was ten, my parents became
Christians. Our family and church subscribed to the theology that men are the
leaders, both in the home and in the church. A woman’s calling is always to be
a wife, a mother and submissive. It was drilled in to me during the very
formative teen years of figuring out who you are. I believed it. My struggle
was that I didn’t fit into that box. I was not quiet, I was not submissive and
I was very rarely gentle. So the label I wore was “rebellious”. I spent years
walking out that label to its fullest degree. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I carried that label into young adulthood, even after I returned to the Lord
after many years astray. I threw myself full force into what a Godly woman was <i>supposed</i> to look like. Ministering in
acceptable areas (children’s ministry, hospitality, music). Trying to fit who I
really am into the box of “Godly woman”. I tried to be more submissive to my
husband. I tried to suppress the natural leadership skills I have always had. I
tried to learn how to be meek and sweet and quiet. I failed miserably. With
each passing year another piece of me shriveled up and faded. I found myself
increasingly burnt out by being the small group leader’s wife, who isn’t
allowed to teach because there are men in the group. I was tired of serving in
children’s ministry when quite frankly… I don’t like children. My marriage was
suffering greatly as I tried to submit to my husband being the leader of our
home and resenting him for not meeting my standards. Meanwhile, his resentment for
me grew as he was forced into a role that is not his gifting either. <i>And around and around we go…</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
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Fast forward to 2011. We had officially crashed and burned
in ministry. We had walked away from all of our leadership roles and rarely
attended church. My husband was drowning in addiction and I had no choice but
to be the strong one. It had to be done. But the resentment carried on.
Opportunities began to arise in the community that allowed me to lead outside
of the church and I ran with it. I finally felt like maybe I could spread my
wings a bit. I had spent the past ten years of my life carrying shame and guilt
over not being good enough, not being the right kind of woman, not being a
woman of God. I began to step out a bit, little by little, and <b>lead.</b> I began to let those gifts lying
dormant out of the box. I started teaching. I started to mentor. I started to
find<i> Abby</i> again. Meanwhile, my place
in the church didn’t change and my resentment there grew even more. I started
to notice that I had never seen a woman speak from the stage. I had never heard
a sermon by a woman. And I had a lot of questions. I’m just enough of a type A
personality that when I am questioning something… I begin to obsessively
research. It takes over my mind until I am satisfied. I began to read
everything the Bible had to say about women and compare it to what it says
about the character of God. I began to read books on the topic and<i> pray pray, pray</i>. During this time, the
Lord spoke. His words were so clear to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">“Abby, if I had
wanted you to be a follower, I wouldn’t have created you a leader.”</span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I wish I was a gifted enough writer to describe to you what
impact that revelation had on my life. It was as if someone had taken the lid
off of the box and let me FLY. It set me free.</div>
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<b>All of my life I had worn the label of “rebellious” under a cloud of
shame.. I now wear it as a badge of honor.</b> </div>
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I felt free to walk in <i>who I really am.</i> As this new
found revelation began to permeate the different areas of my life, things began
to change. I will never forget the day my husband and I sat down and discussed
what it could look like if we were equal partners in this marriage. <i>If neither of us had to be the leader or the
follower. </i>If we were able to mutually submit to one another. When he is
weak, I can be our strength. When I am weak, he can be strong. Our marriage
changed profoundly from that point on. We both were able to be free to be who
we are. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak, <b>always
a team.</b> <o:p></o:p></div>
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Around this time, I began to really struggle with whether I
should leave our church. Staying or leaving a church may seem like a minor
decision to some. But keep in mind, my family has been there for 27 years. The people
that make up that congregation are not just acquaintances I see on Sundays,
they have become my family. How could I leave? But resentment continued to
grow. I went to coffee one day with a dear friend and I shared this struggle.
She knows me well and knows I prefer someone to be direct. She looked me right
in the eye and said <i>“It’s easier to walk
away than to stay and change the system.” </i>In the moment, I was angry. I
didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to leave and find a place that agreed with me.
I was tired of fighting the system. I was tired of being put in a box and not
being allowed to walk in my identity<i>. I
was weary.</i> But despite my pleas to the Lord to release me, He didn’t. Within
a few weeks of that conversation, we were approached by one of the pastors
about being part of a church plant in a neighborhood of high poverty. It really
is the exact thing that I’m passionate about. I put everything on the table
that night in a coffee house. My anger at the church, walking away from
leadership years before and my refusal to get back in the box. He assured me
that we were on the same page and I would be allowed to walk in freedom there.
I agreed to come. Over the past two years, he has kept that promise. He has
gone to bat for me more times that I can count and probably many more than I am
aware of. Not long after opening,
circumstances occurred that allowed me to become a staff member and serve as a
community advocate for the church directly serving that neighborhood. I was
finally free to minister in the way the Lord uniquely gifted me to do so
without the constraints of my gender. <i>I
was able to serve with a pastor that saw me as an asset and not merely a woman</i>.
It was breathtaking. <o:p></o:p></div>
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That brings me to the present. I am serving my community
with the gifts I have. I have a career that is both fulfilling and heartbreaking
and beautiful all at the same time. I
still don’t see eye to eye with my church on issues of women but I’m continuing
to have the conversation. But what I’ve learned along the way is that my church’s
theology doesn’t define me. The world doesn’t define me.</div>
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<b><i> I am free to be who I am without
shame.</i></b></div>
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<b><i></i></b>There will always be those who disagree. There will always be
someone trying to put me back in the box. But the best weapon I have in this
battle is walking unapologetically in who I am and doing so to the best of my
ability. I can be the best version of myself. I can be a female leader who is
not aggressive or militant. I can be a woman who is strong and powerful. I can
be a woman who is passionate about social issues and still cries during
worship. I can speak my truth and tell my story and be vulnerable so others can
hold me up when I don’t have the strength to hold myself. I can raise daughters
who have no boundaries set upon them, either in the world or the church. <i>I can teach them that the possibilities are
endless. </i>Maybe the Lord will have them be a pastor or a CEO or a homemaker.
Whatever future He has for them, they will be<i> powerful. </i></div>
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<b>Because just like their male counterparts.. they are created in the image of God.</b></div>
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And their call will be
to use that power to be a voice for the voiceless, as is mine. That we serve in
our church because we are called to be servants. That we love the unlovable
because we were first loved. That sometimes we visit a different church so they
can hear a woman preach. <i>That this is OK.</i>
That being powerful and strong doesn’t mean being overbearing and critical. It
means being wise and empathetic and knowing who you are. It also means knowing
who you are<i> not</i>. I am not meant to be
in a box… and I’m never going back there. <o:p></o:p></div>
themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-65324621477133990782015-03-24T08:57:00.002-04:002015-03-24T08:57:26.735-04:00From the first to the last...I always feel awkward posting after so long. But every once in a while, I have something I want to say. I've been thinking a lot about the difference in my parenting style from the first child to the fifth. Now that I am finally out of the baby and toddler stage, I can look back with a little more clarity, probably because I'm no longer sleep deprived and I haven't had to wipe anyone else's bottom in years. I look at the way I parented my first, the things that seems like such a big deal, compared to my last and the differences are significant. I have to laugh at the irony, as I've spent most of my adulthood complaining to my own mother that my youngest brother gets away with murder! But when I look at my own children, with ten years between the first and last, how could it be the same? I was not the same person by the time I had Esme as I was when I had Ari. A 21 year old college student's attempt at parenting looks vastly different than a 31 year old wife's. And so many of things that seemed like such<i> huge</i> things, really don't make any difference even five years down the road. I don't think anyone meets my 15 year old and says "She was obviously breastfed for two years!" or "I bet she was an early potty trainer!". My 12 year old will never put on a college application that he walked at 7 months. I'm pretty sure no one other than his father, myself and maybe his future wife will ever care about that! But in the moment, those things seem<i> monumental</i>. Those decisions; how to feed, how to sleep train, when to take away the pacifier...they seem so huge. As if they will determine what kind of person your child will be. But even a few years down the road, they don't matter any more. I have four children who were only ever breastfed and one who had formula. I would guess that if I lined them up, you wouldn't be able to guess which is which. I'd even go so far to say you will could never guess which two were birthed with epidurals and which three were not? I'm not trying to diminish these moments as a parent. However, <i>we live in a world that tells us that these will define our child's future</i>. They will make or break us. That's simply not true. The one I had the least experience in raising (and probably made the most mistakes with) is an amazing human being, despite her imperfect upbringing. The last one, with whom I was a verified expert with, gets away with murder! As I raised them, I continue to grow up myself. I change and learn and make mistakes and do things differently. How sad it would be for them (and me!) If I was the same person 15 years later? So really, we've grown up together. And I hope that one day, they will look back fondly at the things I did right and the things I did wrong and know that I always loved them. They will take the good parts and pass them on to my grandchildren and they will take the bad parts and do better than I did. I was recently sharing with a friend my fears about the effect on my children concerning some of the bad parts. I was lost in that scary place in mind that whispers<i> "you're messing them up"</i>. She was able to remind me that her parents made the same mistake, but never took responsibility for it. <b>That even though the action is done, the practice of admitting that wrong to my kids would be powerful. </b>The whispering lies in my brain had never thought of that before. It was one more moment of growth, one more realization that I do not solely determine who my kids will be, that there is One greater than me that defines their future. So I suppose this post is for young parents who are struggling under the weight of the thousand decisions you must make every day. Who are struggling with the whispering voice telling you that you are doing it WRONG. Give yourself a little grace today. And remember that in the blink of an eye, <span style="font-size: large;">This</span><br />
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Becomes THIS</div>
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And all of those little things become this big person who is a person all of their own! Take a deep breath, you're doing a great job!</div>
themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-44904200213940664512014-01-31T15:55:00.001-05:002014-01-31T15:55:39.743-05:0010 things i want to teach my daughtersHaving three daughters can be hard. This world we live in is not the one I grew up in. It is so much harder for them than it was for me. Here are a few of the lessons I hope to teach them.<br />
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10. In order to be yourself, you have to know who you are. This will be a life long journey filled with voices trying to answer for you. Shut them out. <b>You define you</b>.<br />
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9. Real friends are a gift and should be treated as such. In order to have good friends, you must be a good friend. A true friend will laugh when you laugh, be there when you cry and pull you out of the pit when you can't find your way out on your own.<br />
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8. The internet is forever. Before you post that picture, ask yourself if you want your future boss/husband/grandfather to see it. And if you ever decide to write a blog, remember that some day your kids will learn how to read.<br />
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7. You can't have it all. Well, you<i> can</i>, but you can't do it all well. In order to be really great at something, there is always sacrifice involved. Prioritize wisely.<br />
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6. You will make mistakes. Sometimes you will make the same mistakes over and over. Give yourself grace. And then add a little more grace. Get back up and keep trying.<br />
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5. The older you get, the more you will realize the mistakes I made. Save a little of that Grace for me. And when you have your own kids, I'll remind you that I screwed it up a lot but you turned out just fine :)<br />
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4. You are beautiful. Not because of your porcelain skin or your giant blue eyes, those will fade. But because of who you are underneath all of that. You will spend your whole life being barraged by what beauty is defined as. Don't believe them. Beauty is compassion, kindness, strength and all of the quirky things that make you YOU.<br />
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3. Learn to strong AND vulnerable. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can be a woman of strength while still being honest about your struggles. You don't always have to have it together to be strong. Sometimes we are strongest when we are real about our weakness.<br />
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2. Don't give your heart to someone not worthy of it. Each piece you give away is a piece you don't get back. So before you give it away, know your own worth. And then wait for someone who deserves it.<br />
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1. No matter where your life takes you, I will be proud of you! I will always be your biggest cheerleader, your counselor and hopefully some day, your best friend. I will love you no matter what, and no matter how big you grow....you will always be my little girl!<br />
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<br />themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-6520264644340240382014-01-08T16:22:00.000-05:002014-01-08T16:22:10.535-05:00Unplug #2014I don't generally make New Year's resolutions. I don't really think they work and I am naturally a goal oriented person so I don't need the calendar to encourage that. That being said, while enjoying a short date on New Year's day, Eli asked me what mine were. I didn't really have an answer, as I hadn't given it any thought at all! Over the next few days, I did think about what I'd like to work on this year and the answer came more easily than I'd like to admit. Simply, I need to unplug more. Especially from my phone. I have observed more and more lately the passionate relationship others have with their phones... and no place is sacred. As I watch parents totally ignore their children in a park, or even spend the whole time trying to get the perfect cell pic, I feel convicted. How am I the same way? How often am I not at all in the moment because I'm looking at that darn phone. How many times in my life do I really need to be completely accessible to anyone who may need to reach me? The answer is: almost never. I've justified myself in my mind over the years that I'm OK because we do have rules like no phones at the dinner table, etc. But is that really enough? For me personally...No. So here are a few that I'm trying to put into place in my own life, because I doubt I'll look back one day and wish I'd spent more time on my phone.<br />
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1. When in any social situation, my phone is turned off and in my purse. The only exception being if my kids are home alone. And even then, on vibrate and only answered if they call.<br />
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2. When on a date, phone stays in the car. Period.<br />
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3. Any time I am out with my children, even at the grocery store, the phone stays on vibrate in my purse. Again, I don't need the perfect Instagram pic. I need to be in the moment.<br />
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4. I need to stop using my phone as a filler. If I am sitting in the car, waiting for a child to finish a practice... why not read a book? Make a phone call to actually talk to someone? Sit in quiet and just relax. Facebook will still be there later!<br />
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5. Lastly, using text messaging as a tool to connect with others instead of doing face to face (or at least voice to voice). I let texting be my copout. No more.<br />
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I share these so you can hold me accountable! Blessed New Year!!themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-90415469504016558372013-09-16T19:01:00.000-04:002013-09-16T19:03:57.808-04:00another glamorous day in the lifeLet me paint a picture for you of my afternoon. After work and a full afternoon of appointments, it's 5pm. That's the witching hour around here. Everyone is tired/hungry/psychotic. None of us are at our best. The house is a disaster because I've been gone all day. Esme didn't have a nap for the same reason. Dinner needs to be made. I'm laying on my bedroom floor after throwing up. I'm not sick, I'm stupid. turns out coffee all day + no food= upset stomach. My body was all "uh no thank you. We're not doing this". My compassionate six year old is yelling at me to stop throwing up and MAKE DINNER. My three year old is having a midlife crisis because I turned on the wrong calliou and also Barbie is wearing a purple hat on the kindle game when OBVIOUSLY SHE SHOULD BE WEARING A PINK ONE!!! It's Norman Rockwell over here. I have to survive one hour until my husband comes home. I briefly consider cookies for dinner, but nix that idea because I will pay dearly in over excited kids. I manage to throw something remotely healthy together (and by healthy, I mean there was a vegetable on the plate). It's Monday. I need a vacation. I don't have a witty, feel good ending. The end.themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-67678137381541628172013-08-20T21:18:00.001-04:002013-08-20T21:25:55.716-04:00twas the night before school starts...Hey, did you hear that school starts tomorrow? I love the beginning of the school year, not only because my house can stay clean for seven minutes instead of three, but also the excitement! New shoes and new haircuts and ROUTINE! Our house can go back to a finely oiled machine instead of the frat house it becomes over the summer. Now with five kids starting back, I start preparing early. No procrastinating! By this past weekend I had bought 132 glue sticks and enough tissues for a hospital and at least ten one direction themed items. I was pretty proud of myself for being so on top of things! Until Monday...when I realized Esme has to wear uniforms at preschool. Complicated by the fact that nobody makes uniforms in 2T because when on earth does such a tiny person need a uniform? No worries...we'll just throw something together and I'll shop this weekend. Then I realize that somehow I forgot to get left handed scissors for Aliyah. I'll just run by Wal-Mart on my way to work today! Can I just say that they should warn people that going to the school supply section in Wal-Mart the day before school starts is like wandering into a den of angry wolves? Or maybe a crack house? Or possibly a den of angry crackheads? But I got the scissors. It's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out. I went to work and got home around 6:30. Now keep in mind, theMr is still at work also. That means the house looks like it should be condemned and the kids are VERY excited about tomorrow...which translates into running around screaming and punching each other. It's now 7pm and all I have left to do is bathe five kids/find the storage bin of uniforms/iron the uniforms because apparently I packed them away unfolded and they now look like homeless people's clothes/pack lunches/paint tiny nails/and get them settled down and to sleep before midnight. Easy peasy! But after all the chaos, I'm kissing little cheeks and saying bedtime prayers and reminded why I do all of this when Esme says to me, in her sweet little voice,<br />
<i>"I hope I learn where stinkers come from at preschool tomorrow!" </i><br />
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happy first day of school from our family to yours :)<br />
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<span id="goog_1445305035"></span><span id="goog_1445305036"></span><br />themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-1332703573458738722013-08-15T15:35:00.001-04:002013-08-15T15:35:40.956-04:00concerning the children...Hey friends! I've had a few people lately asking why I haven't talked about my kids here in a long time. I'd like to address that. Basically, my kids are older now. They have their own stories to tell that are not mine to share. I feel that I need to respect their privacy. For many years, this blog filled a void for me as I was home raising (lots!) Of young children. But as its evolved, I've come to realize more and more my childrens need for privacy. So I've pretty much moved to only sharing my own experiences. It's all I really have the right to share. I'm not saying I'll never talk about the kids again, but it won't be my focus. I've also had comments about my lack of posts. It is what it is. I write when I feel strongly there is something I need to say. My days of blogging my every day are long gone. While I still have moments that I feel compelled to share a piece of my journey, they are fewer and farther between. I share a lot about my personal life on Facebook, which is all people I know in real life. I just don't feel the need to share those details in a public forum. So that's about it. Thanks for asking!themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-89862450292053238612013-08-08T15:43:00.000-04:002013-08-15T15:59:38.915-04:00one year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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this post has been brewing in my mind for weeks... and every time the Lord said "write it", i said <i>"i can't"</i>. then i go to church today and the whole message was to share your God story. i get that, i <i>love</i> that. but i have resisted because my story is not a warm fuzzy one. it's not a finished testimony with a bow on it. it's a story still in process. but here it goes...<br />
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i've been reflecting lately how much can change in a year. in April 2012, i was in a very different place. i was preparing to quit my daycare business of ten years to pursue my dream of <a href="http://adayinthelifeofthemrs.blogspot.com/2012/05/big-announcement.html" target="_blank">safe families</a>. i was excited, passionate and sure of the road before me. this was my destiny, what i was created to do. i had just gotten a hebrew tattoo on my arm that says <i>"He turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy"</i>. i naively thought it was a testament to my past. i had no idea it was a glimpse into my future. i thought all of the ducks in my life were in a row. little did i know that events were transpiring, unbenownst to me, that would change the course of my future. i was coasting along, so sure of my path. i was forming a board and meeting with local social service agencies and getting people excited for the vision. fast forward to august... my world crashed in a way i never saw coming. one moment in time, one shocking discovery and it all fell apart. my life, my marriage, my mental health, my sanity. i found myself facing a darkness like nothing i had experienced before. to say it was overwhelming does not do justice. for the first time in my 20 years with Jesus <i>i wanted to die.</i> i just wanted the pain to stop, in whatever way possible. in the pit of that agony, i was angry. angry at Eli, angry at myself but more than anything...angry at God. how could He let this happen to me? where <i>was</i> He? i had spent so many years trying so hard to follow him, to obey him, to do what he told me...and this is where it got me. my pride blinded my vision so deeply all i could do was ask Him <b><i>why</i></b>? i spent days and weeks raging at Him. i mean really raging. i yelled at him, i begged him, He remained silent. in all honesty, maybe He <i>was </i>speaking but my rage was so loud i could no longer hear him. i don't know. as i tried to put the pieces of myself back together, i found myself starting to heal but my anger at the Lord remained. i couldn't shake it. over and over i asked him WHY? over and over... silence. i've believed my whole life that He doesn't allow us any suffering that can't be for His glory. i was desperately trying to cling to that truth when it was the antithesis of what i was feeling.<br />
so one day i was driving home from a women's Bible study that i didn't want to be at and i didn't want to hear. i was listening to music while esme chattered in the back. i was overcome with rage. i said out loud <i>"how could you do this to me?"</i> and in His still small voice, when i was quiet enough to hear, He spoke.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>"what if I used your greatest nightmare to be the thing that set you free?"</i></span></div>
i was so stunned by that response i had to pull over my car. is that what happened? was i being set free from a bondage i didn't even know imprisoned me?<br />
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<b><i>i was. </i></b></div>
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i was being set free from the chains of codependancy. i was being set free from the fear of abandonment. <b>i was being set free by a God that loved me too much to let me keep going the way i was. </b></div>
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in that life-changing moment i realized that sometimes God lets it all fall apart so He can put it back together in a way only He knows how. a peace washed over me that i had not felt in a long, long time. i wept with thankfulness. he gave me a tiny glimpse of the forest through the trees. he allowed me a glimpse of what he was making me into and what he had delivered me from. and it was <i>beautiful.</i><br />
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i wish i could tell you that it was smooth sailing from then on. it wasn't. it has been so hard, finding my way back. it is a process that at times i have longed to end. it has been filled with moments of doubt, fear and steps backward. but through it all, He has carried me in a way i have never experienced before. He has shown his majesty in the broken pot that is my heart.<br />
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i'm not there yet. we still have work to do. there are still far too many days where i am overcome with fear and anxiety. when i revert to my old coping mechanisms. when i forget.<br />
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but those days are fewer and the darkness is not so dark anymore. when they come, i recite truth to myself and meditate on it instead of the lies my mind is feeding me. i surround myself with his praise when my emotions are betraying me. i soak myself in His word when the world is screaming<i> "you're not going to make it!"</i><br />
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i find that i am no longer the person i was a year ago. i am prone to tears, i am humbled by my own failures, i am no longer sure of my path. but i have a hope that was missing for so long. i have a peace that transcends the chaos that is often my life. i have dancing, sometimes sprinkled with mourning.<br />
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this is just a piece of my God story, a tiny morsel of the tapestry He is weaving of my life. it is not the end, really a beginning. as my mother told me as a child...<i>"Abby, don't write the ending to a story God is not finished with." </i><br />
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He is not finished with me.<br />
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<b>Praise Jesus He is not finished with me.</b>themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-71130568271489770032013-07-26T22:26:00.000-04:002013-07-26T22:26:10.133-04:00a word of adviceI'm just gonna rant for a minute...is that ok? I try to write honest, insightful posts that will encourage my readers. But sometimes I just want to use the internet as a vehicle to complain, you know what I'm saying G?<br />
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Alrighty so I read a blog today which asked what internet phrases you would like to ban. You know...like "just saying"..."I died"...etc. I don't really mind those too much but there is one that makes me CAPS LOCK CRAZY. When one refers to their family member as DH, DD and so on. If you are fortunate enough to not frequent sites where mothers interact, you may not be aware what they mean. Let me break it down:<br />
DH- darling husband<br />
DD- darling daughter<br />
DS- darling son<br />
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Um, no. My husband can be many wonderful things but darling is not one of them. And the teenager? Not so much. don't get me started on the conglomeration of dirt and marker stains that represent my sons. I love all of these people, truly, but not a one of them is darling. Not even the three year old, who fyi has decided that she will no longer be wearing pants. At all. As in she's trying to play outside with a naked booty. Not darling.<br />
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I'd like to offer some alternatives to anyone who'd be interested in quitting. So you can still share stories about your beloved. here are a few suggestions:<br />
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IBHH: infuriating but hot husband<br />
HWGMG: he who gave me gray<br />
Or if you'd prefer something shorter, just go with TM: that man. We'll know who you mean. Now for your children, I'd suggest<br />
SWIH: she who is hormonal or<br />
THT: tiny hoarding toddler or even<br />
POMW: people of my womb<br />
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for sons-<br />
PP: pig pen or<br />
JOF: jumps off furniture or even<br />
HWGMG, JR: he who gave me gray Jr.<br />
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This has been a public service announcement from theMrs. Please meditate on these thoughts and act accordingly. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Carry on.<br />
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<i>"Am I darling? Or maybe just a little bit crazy..."</i></div>
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<br />themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-30959642841066718392013-07-02T15:17:00.001-04:002013-07-02T15:25:04.986-04:00love<br />
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<li style="text-align: center;">As I have loved you, so you must love one another.By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another</li>
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with all that has transpired in the last few weeks, i need to talk about love. we've heard these verses a hundred times and heard a dozen sermons about them. we memorized them in sunday school and saw them printed on greeting cards. but what i have seen come out of the Christian community in the past few months disturbs me. see, Jesus didn't qualify who we should love. so i suppose we have to assume He meant for us to love everyone. sounds easy enough? let's break that down a bit.
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we should love people of every color....and the people who hate them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we need to love gays....and the people who hate them, too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we have to love the homeless guy as well as the corporate CEO. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we have to love the victims and the perpetrators. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we have to love the unborn baby and the abortion doctor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> those who agree with us, those who disagree, those who hate us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">love the person who is your rock and the person you most distrust, the terrorists, the liberal, the religious, the racist, the conservative, the one filled with hate, the one who will never appreciate your love. love them anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">because if Jesus is the example, we have to love them all. he loved the unclean and the prostitute and the adulterer and the very people who killed him. he actually died for those people. sometimes it's easier for us to love the victims than the sanctimonious. it's easier to love the sinner than the one who considers himself a saint. sometimes... we just can't bring ourselves to love anyone who doesn't agree with us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We often confused loving someone with agreeing with them. As if showing love is giving permission. But friends, if you feel strongly about an issue, odds are people know that without you constantly telling them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">sometimes, it's easy to confuse a person with an issue. to let your stance get in the way of your humanity. to forget that there are real, feeling people behind every platform. that it's not just a "yea" or "nay" on a voting card, it's a person who deserves love.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we've heard all of our lives that they will know us by our love. i think the part left out is that they will judge us by our lack thereof. and rightfully so.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">in the words Dr. King "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">we can preach, we can protest, we can update our statuses with facts and figures and statistics and arguments. but if we have no love for the people we speak of, we have<i> nothing.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mark 12:30-31</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1 Corinthians 13</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Love is patient,<b> love is kind</b>. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">so today, go out and BE love in the world. be kind. be gentle. Be loving. Even when it hurts.</span></div>
themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-36180366972101566132013-06-15T14:01:00.004-04:002013-06-15T14:01:50.784-04:00i still do...<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">today, We renewed our vows. after fifteen years together. people do this all the time we for us it was a big deal. less than a year ago we weren't sure we could stay married. We were hanging on to the ledge with no promise of a happy ending. We had many friends pray for restoration for us. but it was bigger that. restoration is restoring to what was<i> before</i>. We needed a total overhaul, all the way down to the foundation. and God met us there. in the bottom of the pit, at our lowest, collectively offering up our mistakes and failures. out of options.<i> that's where He does his thing</i>. when the world is screaming "It's over", God is whispering<i><b> "I'm just getting started."</b></i> this day is more significant to us than our first wedding. We know what we're promising this time. and it's just the beginning<a href="http://www.blogger.com/"></a></span><br />
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<span id="goog_1749398111"></span>themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-76451998570790279872013-05-31T14:55:00.000-04:002013-05-31T14:55:11.879-04:0010 Pieces of advice you shouldn't followi'm going to give you advice on advice. no, the irony doesn't escape me. i am not an expert on anything, i'm not a therapist or a doctor. i don't have a counseling license, half the time i don't even know what i'm doing. but all of these are things i've learned the hard way. i took the field trip. trust me.<br />
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10. <i><b>Never go to sleep angry.</b></i> wrong. sometimes you just need to go to sleep. most of us are at our emotional worst by the end of the day. we're tired, impatient and done. trying to iron out marital spats while in that place is a disaster waiting to happen. there are few things that don't seem quite so bad after a good night's sleep. so give each other a kiss (forced) and decide to sleep on it. it probably won't seem like nearly as big of a deal in the morning!<br />
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9. <i><b>You can't spoil a baby</b></i>. Uh, sure you can. Obviously infants need their needs met to form healthy attachment. No one is debating that. But your baby does not need to be held all of the time. Or while they sleep. Because even though that seems precious now, in a year it will not. When your child screams outside the door every time you shower. When you can never have a date night because you're the only one who can put your little darling to bed. Or worse, when you haven't had sex in a year because that sweetheart will only sleep between you and your husband. No baby has ever died from being allowed to cry while his mother showered. Trust me.<br />
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8. <i><b>Don't cry over spilled milk. </b></i>Listen, if that milk is spilled in your minivan, which now smells like curdled death every time you get in it? Go ahead and cry. It won't make your van smell better but it may make you feel better. Besides, it's good for kids to learn that sometimes mommy cries too.<br />
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7. <b><i>Marriage is 50/50.</i></b> No. Marriage is more like 150/150, if it's going to last. I'm not a mathematician, but i'm pretty sure that adds up. There will be days when your spouse gives far less than you feel like they should. Give even more those days. When the tables turn and YOU are the depleted one, they will hopefully give it back. The premise is simple: if both parties of a marriage are focusing their energy on making the other happy, odds are you will both be happy.<br />
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6. <b><i>It takes a village to raise a child.</i></b> Not so much. In fact, we really just need the village to stop telling us how to raise our children on facebook.<br />
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5. <b><i>Boys will be boys!</i></b> Yes, they will. Until their mother teaches them how to act likek civil human beings and doesn't excuse their behavior by their gender. I have boys that are ALL boy. I can let them be that without letting them act like savages because they have a penis.<br />
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4. <b><i>It's the thought that counts.</i></b> If the thought was "My wife would LOVE an ab roller for Valentine's day!" you are wrong and it does not count.<br />
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3. <b><i>God will never give you more than you can handle!</i></b> Uh, yes He will. If you could handle it all on your own, what would you need God for? He will not, however, give you anything that the two of you cant handle together :)<br />
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2. <b><i>Enjoy every moment!</i></b> If you enjoy googling how to get urine out of furnace ducts, I can't help you.<br />
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1.<i><b> Fake it till you make it!</b></i> I think this one is the most damaging to mothers. You know what? If you are not "making it", you don't have to pretend you are. It's ok to tell people you are struggling and you need help. It is good for you. Sometimes we all just need to permission to be a hot mess. If you fake it, how will your friends know to bring iced lattes and take a kid for an hour? Be real. It's the only way to survive this thing called motherhood with a shred of sanity. Your friends will appreciate it, your kids will learn that it's OK to ask for help and you will model for them that weaknesses are not dirty secrets to be hidden away. You will teach them to be who they are, flaws and all. And isn't that what we really want for them?themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-27761182751095620082013-05-07T13:56:00.000-04:002013-05-07T14:14:26.636-04:00Mompetition, Part 2if you've been here a while, you may remember this <a href="http://adayinthelifeofthemrs.blogspot.com/2012/01/mompetition.html" target="_blank">post</a>. it was one of my most widely read. it was all about the competition that is motherhood. nobody talks about it but it's there. in the past few weeks i have seen it<i> rampant</i> on facebook. from judgement about where to send your kid to school to the great breastfeeding debate, it's everywhere. and now we have pinterest and facebook and etsy to really bring home all of the things other moms are doing that we <i>aren't</i>. have you ever searched "kid's birthday party" on pinterest? holy. cow... <i>don't do it.</i> if i've learned anything in 13 years of parenting, it's stop comparing yourself to other mothers. <b>stay out of the race, you can't win.</b><br />
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and yet... i still battle it. i find myself justifying my parenting choices to those who disagree. or getting irate at a facebook debate with people i don't even know! i realized a few weeks ago how far i need to go while attending a parent's meeting for one of my children. my kids attend a phenomenal private christian school. we love it there and we work our tails off to afford tuition. that being said, we are probably not your typical "private school parents". So i'm sitting in this meeting, looking around, noticing how different i am than most of the other mothers. i don't own a sweater set. i have visible tattoos. i've never once sent an adorable themed snack to school for one of my kids' birthdays. heck, most of my kids' teacher may not even know what i look like. but the thing that stood out to me the most was that i was the only mom sitting alone. most of the other mothers know each other because they all volunteer often. i'm at work. i don't have <i>time</i> to be at the school in the middle of the day. i have five kids and a job and a business and a million other responsibilities. i sat there feeling judgement that probably didn't even exist. if i really think about it, i bet none of them had a thought about me at all. but it bothered me. i began that familiar condemnation of mom guilt...reminding myself of all the things i don't do.<br />
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<i>i've never thrown a big party for any of my kid's birthdays. in fact, i've never even sent anything to school for them. </i></div>
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<i>i've never made a costume, a set of curtains or even hemmed a skirt. i bribe my dear friend Nicole to hem my kid's uniforms!</i></div>
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<i>i've never decorated for a holiday other than Christmas.</i></div>
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<i>i've never taken my kids to disney world.</i></div>
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<i>my kids don't play sports and i could not be happier about it.</i></div>
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the list could go on on and on of all the things i don't do that make me not good enough as a mother. if i allow it, my insecurity could convince me that i am failing in all areas of motherhood.<br />
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but if i pull myself out of that destructive pit for just a moment, i can think about the things i <i>am </i>doing for my kids. when they are grown, will they be mad that i never threw an elaborate party for them? or will they be glad that i taught them to love every kind of music from punk to gospel to blue grass to hip hop.<br />
will they feel that they missed out on having a mom that does crafts and activities? or will they realize the value of a mom who taught them to dance in the garage, to laugh when life sucks and that it's ok to say "sucks" when no other word will work.<br />
will my daughters wish i had taught them to clean more, cook better, sew costumes? or will they realize that i may have missed those things... i <i>did </i>teach them to think for themselves, to dream big, to be what ever they want to be.<br />
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at the core of judgement is our own hearts. <i><b>what others think is only significant if deep inside we agree</b></i>. so if you are a crafty mom...craft on! if you are a dancing mom, turn up the music! whatever your style, be who you are and don't let anyone tell you it's not good enough. especially yourself.<br />
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homeschool, public school, private school, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, attachment parenting, staying at home, working outside of the home, car seats, booster seats, potty seats... whatever your choose...<br />
<b>OWN IT.</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and don't let anyone convince you otherwise</i>!</span></div>
themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-87090523296057911682013-04-23T21:07:00.000-04:002013-04-23T21:07:17.915-04:00grace wins<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_0Cu92CgA4AnBRfF4oAimjQmomHhNwCVvl7jmGHuSF8tTeLXhVJZO0H2FWjm044XSYYVIYxcRqB5_wDqIatVI1g0mKN8sWcf1utp9MaC2gUbPU1CzkFu0nhtfUmBNEhvmydvrKOqEhKs/s1600/facebook_1422316074.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_0Cu92CgA4AnBRfF4oAimjQmomHhNwCVvl7jmGHuSF8tTeLXhVJZO0H2FWjm044XSYYVIYxcRqB5_wDqIatVI1g0mKN8sWcf1utp9MaC2gUbPU1CzkFu0nhtfUmBNEhvmydvrKOqEhKs/s200/facebook_1422316074.jpg" width="200" /></a>today was a long day. like a <i>tired-stressed-anxious-iwanttodrownmystressinchocolate</i> kinda day. theMr is in full construction mode and working 60-70 hours a week, not getting home until nearly 10 most nights. we are at the beginning of what may be a huge battle over our foreclosure. i spent the afternoon, after work, writing and mailing letters to politicians and media. my brain has been churning all day... grumpy mom plus five kids is not a super combo. by bedtime, i am <i>done.</i> i'm tucking esme in, i lean down to kiss her and she whispers <i>"you is beautiful, mama"</i>. oh sweetpea...when she looked at me in that moment, she saw the mom who tucks her in and kisses her every night. the mom who buys her dora yogurt even though it's overpriced and full of sugar. the mom who "carries her like a baby" when she asks. what she didn't see is the frazzled mom who yelled at her today for not putting on her shoes. or the mom who was sick all afternoon from a week of bad eating. or the mom who hid in her bedroom watching tv while her kids played in the next room. she didn't see the mom who loses her temper too often and cusses under breath and doesn't separate the lights from the darks and is a crazy person without her antidepressant. because when she looks at me, she sees love. and love doesn't see flaws. when you look at someone with love, you see all of the things you love about them. the most amazing thing about that interaction is that it's just a <i>glimpse</i> of Jesus. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sin or our flaws or all of the ways we fall short. He sees his beloved child. He delights in us! how precious that a three year old can model that. i so often think i am the one doing all of the teaching in this relationship, i could not be more wrong. themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-64855794289333871192013-04-04T14:14:00.000-04:002013-04-04T14:17:39.626-04:00courageous<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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since i was a child, i've always wanted to be courageous. someone who lived life without fear. someone who took on any adventure with zest and excitement. i worked hard to become that person. the problem is that i mistook putting on a<a href="http://adayinthelifeofthemrs.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-mask.html" target="_blank"> mask</a> with courage. i told myself along the way that a person who was courageous never showed fear or weakness. they could always handle anything, and if they couldn't, they pretended they could. this false belief has caused me much heartache over the years and has prevented me from connecting with people in a real and vulnerable way. i built up a castle of protection around my heart, no one could hurt me, no one could get in. it wasn't until forces collided in my life that i realized it was a lie. that "being strong all the time" is really bondage. that sometimes courage is being brave enough to fall apart. being brave enough to say i'm not ok. to say i need help. to say i need YOU. i found myself in the last year at the stunning realization that i had believed a lie about myself all of my life.<i> the lie that i have to be strong</i>. that i cannot show weakness. that people won't love me or respect me or want me if i fall apart. what i have found in my brokenness, is that when you fall apart is when those around you have a chance to <i>shine</i>. when you are so desperate and despondent that you can't even ask for help is when the people that love you step up. in early August of 2012 i essentially had a nervous breakdown brought on by extreme crisis. i have never been in a darker place in my life. my friends rallied around me in a way i could not properly put to paper. they held me, they let me cry, they let me yell, they let me cuss, they were <i>there</i>. they saw me sink to a place they had never imagined they would find me in and <b>they came through.</b> in the first few weeks of that time, six of my closest friends and my mother asked me to meet them at our local house of prayer so they could pray over me. they were so worried about me. as i literally laid on that floor, curled in a ball, sobbing as they prayed and spoke truth over me, i had an incredible vision. i was standing in the middle of war. bullets were flying around me and the enemy was close. i was curled in fetal position, too weak to even stand, much less fight. my friends were standing in a circle around me, facing out. they were fighting the battle for me when i was too weak to defend myself. sometimes courageous is being willing to curl up in a ball and be honest about where you are. as i walk through this journey, i'm learning more and more about who i am and who i'm not. i can be strong, but i don't have to. i can be courageous while still being scared. some days that just means that i keep putting one foot in front of another while praying that the fear doesn't overtake me. some days it means i can smile and know it will be ok. but either way, i know now that i have a net. i'm not hanging off of this cliff alone. i can be courageous... and if i can't there are those that would be for me. and that makes all the difference in the world.<br />
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1 Corinthians 16:13<i> Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything with love. </i>themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-40355050851928863632013-03-31T17:58:00.001-04:002013-03-31T17:58:15.329-04:00the aftermath...ah Easter. the holiest day of the year.<br />
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white dresses and tights, eggs filled with candy, hymns posted on statuses.<br />
a day of celebration, reverence and solemn reflection.<br />
as the suns sets and the festivities end, peace abounds.<br />
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<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /> or not... it's only 5:30 and my kids are running around like crack fiends itching for a fix. the sugar overload has officially rendered them unable to function at a normal decibel. one sweet child is trying to hang a bunny with his New striped overpriced tie, while another lays on the kitchen floor screaming for chocolate. beautiful floral dresses are streaked with candy and dirt. theMr sleeps peacefully on the couch while i cower in fear, realizing that this is the moment where the inmates take over the asylum. suddenly, in a moment of holy inspiration, a declaration comes forth to please the masses... "who wants candy for dinner?" they cheer and jump and shower me with praises. i can smile a genuine smile because deep inside i know....<br />
they are going to bed at 7!<br />
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happy Easter from theMrs!</div>
themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-41626880765744541742013-03-13T18:27:00.000-04:002013-03-13T18:27:02.365-04:0010 headlines you may read about theMrsim gonna be famous someday...for all the wrong reasons<br />
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10. woman found wandering around starbucks parking lot mumbling after 132 car troubles. Husband says he fixed it.<br />
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9. Local mom discovered after being reported missing three days ago. She was trapped under large pile of laundry.<br />
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8. Parents of five reported to authorities by their own children for child labor violations. Authorities say the charges are substantiated.<br />
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7, Nanny needed: Must cook, clean and facilitate the recording of all episodes of big bang theory.<br />
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6, Man awarded a purple heart medal for his heroic efforts dealing with his wife's mood swings after hysterectomy.<br />
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5. Scientists discover new life form in children's bathroom. Children claim they just cleaned it on chore day.<br />
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4. Springfield woman taken away in handcuffs after being told by pediatrician that children who are teething do not run fevers,,,again.<br />
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3. Local couple busted in prostitution sting at hourly hotel...investigation uncovers they were just looking for a cheap place to nap.<br />
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2. America's most beautiful child contest a five way tie, first time in history!<br />
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1. Local blogger thought to be dead. Early reports say she is fine, just too lazy to type on iPad.themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-87429086410464038812013-02-03T11:16:00.005-05:002013-02-03T11:16:49.729-05:00We did it!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We did it! My mom started her weight loss journey in June 2012. To date she has lost 70 POUNDS! I started in August and have lost 50! It has been great support for us to do this together. We have commiserated about our workouts, our appetites and our life changes. As excited as I am about my own weight loss, I'm even MORE excited about hers. I hope this means a long, healthy life for her :) Who would've guessed that at 35 & 56 we'd be in the same size? We both have about 10 lbs to go, but I think we can do it. Just in time to shop for cute summer clothes together :)<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I love you Mom and I'm so proud of you!</b></span></div>
<br />themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-49253411991882197622012-12-16T12:47:00.000-05:002012-12-16T12:47:13.875-05:00grace filled Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqbqzgMPg5u3cOZ_HiD3JzXZU4orBa2g88ShVTSns3gAqphYlcfP_9uhJ2j5ng7q1I0gsUppJp0Y9jI7yqUvDaT2IhpWfMfZFZa3AZU3xaCx0SPC7LyK7wKctODdjsS9ZW-ZgW7sroryQ/s1600/Gift-Box.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="111" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqbqzgMPg5u3cOZ_HiD3JzXZU4orBa2g88ShVTSns3gAqphYlcfP_9uhJ2j5ng7q1I0gsUppJp0Y9jI7yqUvDaT2IhpWfMfZFZa3AZU3xaCx0SPC7LyK7wKctODdjsS9ZW-ZgW7sroryQ/s200/Gift-Box.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
i don't do Santa or elf on the shelf. not due to theological reasons, it goes deeper than that. the concept behind both is that if kids are <i>good enough</i>, on their best behavior, they will get gifts. it sounds good in theory, but i battle a lifelong struggle against this exact mindset. if i'm just good enough, things will be ok. however, this is not how God works. before we were ever deserving, He made the ultimate sacrifice for us. we didn't earn it and we never will. but Grace doesn't stop there.<br />
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<b><i>James 1:17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who
created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a
shifting shadow.</i></b><br />
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notice it does not offer the disclaimer <i>"if we follow the rules"</i> or <i>"if we are deserving"</i> or <i>"if we are good enough"</i>. He bestows His gifts simply because He loves us. He already knew we didn't deserve them and we'd never be good enough. He gives them anyway.<br />
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many times, we confuse the blessing that comes with obedience with reward for our actions. we are blessed when we obey God because His way is right, therefore it blesses our lives. He's not rewarding us for following the rules. He's showing us the fullness of life that abides in Him. sometimes, it's when we are at worst that we really get this concept. when we are entrenched in sin, staring up from the pit, knowing with every fiber of our being how wretchedly undeserving we are. then He will pour out incredible blessing on us in the midst of it. and we really <i>get</i> that we didn't earn it, we've never earned it. He just loves us. no strings attached. He loves us when we're good and He loves us when we're not.<br />
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i have battled this erroneous mindset for most of my life. that i have to strive to be good enough, while never feeling i can achieve it. that i just have to keep working harder and trying more and toiling in vain. it hasn't been until i felt so depleted i was totally incapable of working any more, that He reminded me of His grace. that He blessed me beyond measure when i was so undeserving. by definition grace is unmerited assistance. i don't have to be good enough, He loves me anyway. just the way i am.<br />
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so what does this have to do with Santa and the Elf? i don't want my children to go 34 years before getting this. i want them to know that they are loved <i>no matter what</i>. they don't have to earn my love, my gifts or my time. they never have to be good enough for a savior to redeem them. that Christmas is to celebrate the most precious gift of all and one month of "good" behavior is not warranted to receive it. <br />
it's free. it's<span style="font-size: large;"><b> grace.</b></span> themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-67018220587587645122012-12-05T20:43:00.002-05:002012-12-05T20:43:46.889-05:00changes...i just realized i haven't written since i announced the house situation. <i>i am so sorry.</i> our crazy life has gotten crazier and blogging has been way down the priority list. so let's get all the updates out of the way first...<br />
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<b>the House</b>:</div>
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we started looking at houses immediately. it was depressing. they were either filthy, very small or way out of our price range. not to mention, who wants to rent to a family of 7 with a foreclosure? i was trusting that we would be taken care of while simultaneously terrified of where we may have to live. after several promising leads fell through i was really starting to panic. then a good friend called and mentioned that a house on their street had been empty for a year. she wasn't sure if they were open to renting it but offered to get the owner's number for us. i called him the next day and talked to him for an hour. the house was his parents and his grandparents before that. it had been empty since his mother went to a nursing home. he hadn't rented it because he was <i>"waiting for God to bring him the right people."</i> we got off the phone after agreeing to meet and see it that night. after we hung up, my stomach was in knots. i had been somewhat evasive with him about our situation and i felt sick that i hadn't been totally honest. i immediately texted him what was going on with our house and told him i would totally understand if he wasn't comfortable with it. he was fine. we met that night and the minute Eli and i walked through the door we knew this was our house. it's far bigger than we ever hoped for (almost double square footage of our previous house) and right in our lower price range. we were floored. the owner is an amazing man and he seemed confident that we were the people he had been waiting for. we made plans to move the first weekend of December. it has four bedrooms, three full baths, and lots of room for small people. it is literally a dream. it is in a beautiful neighborhood, some of our best friends are a few houses away and we couldn't be happier. here are some pics....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzThmoPEfwDV7kddHPtws0krvxQ6RYatZAJmE_WQHxuSynQiWGDlu-Ck40kdxaQAwUKKoSMP_Kqgawkug3GyZcb63iMQ19G0-AYlFIrHxnMhFJGv1nPEMDt6G8FlrvH1ukX1kWmhNBUk/s1600/house1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzThmoPEfwDV7kddHPtws0krvxQ6RYatZAJmE_WQHxuSynQiWGDlu-Ck40kdxaQAwUKKoSMP_Kqgawkug3GyZcb63iMQ19G0-AYlFIrHxnMhFJGv1nPEMDt6G8FlrvH1ukX1kWmhNBUk/s320/house1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Master bedroom... on the main floor, behind the kitchen. AWAY FROM THE KIDS! ;)</div>
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Opposite wall of our room, our bathroom on the left and the door to the laundry room on the right!</div>
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TV room... which means NO tv in the living room, yay!</div>
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dining room which will hopefully have a table eventually :)</div>
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kitchen, which was originally pale blue with a birdhouse border. </div>
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living room with gas fireplace. </div>
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View from the dining room. those double sets of french doors go out to a porch :)</div>
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<b>next up... the Job:</b></div>
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so to add to all the changes, i started a job today! my first job out of the home in ten years. the position is at an agency here called <a href="http://www.marriageresourcecenter.org/" target="_blank">Marriage Resource Center</a>. it's a really incredible agency. they aim to lower the local divorce rate, enhance marriage relationships and build stronger families. i would encourage you to check out the website, i'm really blessed to be a part of it. it means a major change in our household, especially for esme. she's never gone to a sitter and is used to being with me most of the time. add to that moving in the same week. a LOT for a three year old to process. she is not napping and rarely sleeping but i hope she will adjust soon. thankfully i have really wonderful people watching her and it's only part time.<br />
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lastly, thank you to all of the people that have been praying for us, support us and generally bring encouragement. i may not get to respond to all, but know that it means so much to us. we continually ponder how we are blessed to have the people in our life that we do. it amazes us. thank you!themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-59589774803970660172012-10-26T15:55:00.003-04:002012-10-26T15:57:47.961-04:00it's that time again...you all know how i feel about <a href="http://adayinthelifeofthemrs.blogspot.com/2011/11/first-of-november.html" target="_blank">halloween</a>. we don't have to rehash it every year. in the interest of compromise, we are attending my sister in law's costume party tonight, with the kids. it's guaranteed to be a fun time for all and will hopefully water down the <i>"why can't we trick or treat"</i> whining tomorrow. however, that means SEVEN costumes. for real. so i posted on fb that i needed costumes and within 24 hrs had offers of them for all four of the younger kids, score! but today i realized i didn't have one for Ari. no big deal, right? wrong. i went to three stores. do you know what costumes for teenagers are like? all slutty. seriously. slutty witch, slutty cheerleader, slutty BUMBLEBEE! how do you make a fat, furry insect slutty? just head on over to target and you can see yourself. sigh...<br />
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i will post some pics of them this week though. i may <i>hate</i> halloween but i <i>love</i> kids in costumes :) <br />
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p.s. i should have some house news to share by tomorrow!<br />
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p.p.s. when looking through my old posts to find the one about halloween, i realized i was a lot funnier last year. sorry! themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-89837710168839733892012-10-18T22:41:00.000-04:002012-10-18T22:41:06.304-04:00keepin it realwell, when i posted that i was taking off the mask, i didn't realize how quickly that opportunity would come! so in the interest of being real and vulnerable and whatnot, i'm going to share with you the news we received tonight...<br />
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we have to move in two weeks. <i>two weeks</i>. <b>and we don't know where we're going.</b> </div>
(i'll let that last sentence soak in for a moment.)<br />
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so here's the deal, we have been in a bitter battle with our mortgage company for over two years over illegal practices. we have known for a bit that we may have to lose the house before it is settled. we did not know that such companies can set an auction date, not inform you of it, and take your house. we certainly did not know that we would have two weeks to find a place and move with five children in tow.<br />
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i'll be honest with you in saying that when i got this news, approximately 7:30p tonight, i flipped out. i went into full on panic mode. the wheels in my brain were spinning so fast smoke was coming out of my ears. at this point, my husband said <b>"</b><i>i think we should pray.</i><b><i> right now.</i>"</b> so we did. then he put the kids to bed and i headed up for my nightly hot bath to have a few words with the Lord. i won't share those words here (this is a family blog!) but have no worries, he's God, He can handle it. when i was done with my ranting and threatening and begging, He decided to speak. (he's such a gentlemen, never interrupting. letting me get all my crazy out :) and He reminded me of what i've come out of in the last few months. what i have walked through, how dark my pit was, how desperate and undone i was at many points of it. and then He said to me <i>"If I can get you through that, do you really think I can't provide a house?"</i><br />
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huh. i guess i was thinking that. i wish my limited brain could convey to you the feeling of peace that washed over me. <i>He's got this</i>. He's had it all along. i just have to keep trusting Him.<br />
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so as of right now, i cannot tell you where my little people will laying their little heads in two weeks. i have no idea. but someone bigger than me does, and <b>He's got it.</b><br />
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if i have learned anything in the last years of my life it is this: a house is only important in that it is where your family is together. otherwise it's just bricks and mortar. wherever we end up, we will all be there together. that alone is a miracle. the address on the mailbox is just a little perk.themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-75858455162956686972012-10-15T16:37:00.000-04:002013-04-04T14:08:41.192-04:00the maski've written, rewritten and discarded this post a million times. wanting to express my thoughts and my journey, unsure how to protect our privacy. instead, i've just not posted. it's not that i haven't <i>wanted</i> to, it's just that some stories are not for public consumption. i apologize in advance for some of the vagueness i'm about to convey. i'm in a season of my life that is one of the most trying yet. i had a crisis hit in early august that i never saw coming and i'm slowly trying to find my way back. i can honestly say it hasn't been pretty or easy. it's been messy and confusing and heartbreaking. but the thing about a crisis is that when it hits, who you <i>really</i> are comes to the surface. those parts of yourself that you thought you'd already gotten under control come raging outward. you find yourself looking in a mirror and sometimes you don't like what you see. when we are faced with trials, even when we may be the "victim", we have to reevaluate who we are and what we trying to become. it's a rough journey. in a world that is constantly feeding us lies about who we should be, we need reminders of who we are. <i>but how can you be who you are if you don't really know?</i> you see, i've worn a mask all of my life. it says<i> "i am ok"</i>. it says <i>"i'm strong, i don't need help."</i> it says <i>"i have it together"</i>. i wear the mask so others will love me, but they just end up loving the mask. therein lies the problem. underneath the mask is fear, insecurity, pride and the lie that if i remove it people will run screaming. so when life throws you a curve ball that is so extreme the mask falls off, i'm faced with a choice. put back on or learn to live without it?<br />
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i'm choosing to keep it off. i'm choosing to believe the truth about myself and refute the lies. the truth is that i am a weak, sinful human. but thankfully that's not <i>all </i>i am.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">i am a daughter of the most high king.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">i am fully forgiven and covered by grace.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">i am uniquely created for a purpose set in motion at the creation of the universe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">i am full of gifts and talents that i only need to access.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
i am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, an encourager, a singer, a person prone to laughter, a worshipper, a believer in miracles, a lover of words, a visionary. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>i am not defined by what i've been delivered <i>from</i>, but what i am being delivered <i>to</i>. </b></div>
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i'm facing the traits about myself that i have believed my whole life are <i>"just how i am" </i>and realizing that i don't have to be that person any more. <b>i am an overcomer. </b><br />
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i'm taking off the mask. and it feels good.<br />
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Ephesians 1:3-8 <span class="text Eph-1-3"><sup class="versenum"></sup>Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.</span> <span class="text Eph-1-4" id="en-NIV-29211">For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love</span><span class="text Eph-1-5" id="en-NIV-29212"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—</span> <span class="text Eph-1-6" id="en-NIV-29213"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.</span> <span class="text Eph-1-7" id="en-NIV-29214"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace</span> <span class="text Eph-1-8" id="en-NIV-29215">that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,</span>themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1904988782886882879.post-60960331169339008922012-09-09T18:19:00.000-04:002012-09-09T18:19:06.199-04:00life of leisurei've been daydreaming all summer about what bliss it was going to be when school started and it was just me and esme at home. how we were going to color pictures and shop and live a life of leisure together. did you hear that?? it's reality knocking. spending all day with a two year old is like spending with an unmedicated, psychotic hoarder. that talks a lot.<br />
she's happy,<br />
she's sad.<br />
she hates the blue cup.<br />
she only wants to watch "the shortcake show".<br />
she wants to narrarate it even though i'm sitting right next to her.<br />
we can't leave the house without her plaid purse, saltines, her matchbox cars, a comb and her plastic transformer that she named "daddy". <br />
we've discussed her mood swings <a href="http://adayinthelifeofthemrs.blogspot.com/search/label/miss%20esme" target="_blank">before</a>. this girl is <i>loco</i>. sometimes i pretend i have to use the bathroom just for a few minutes of peace. the first week i planned all of these fun playdates so she wouldn't miss the kids too much. except now she thinks we are supposed to do something fun and exciting every day. so when i tell her we're staying home to do laundry and organize my nail polishes, it's full on meltdown. until she sees the nail polish. then she's happy. until i tell her she can't paint her own nails. back to meltdown. until calliou comes on. <i>overjoyed!</i> but wait...she needs a chocolate snack while she watches... we don't eat chocolate at 9:30 a.m. (well, <i>children </i>don't. adults do. but only in the pantry where children can't see.) it's like a toddler emotional roller coaster that NEVER ENDS. you see what i'm saying??themrshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05036877130096142872noreply@blogger.com3