i want to share about something really personal, but i need to preface it with the forewarning that i must be somewhat vague about the details. this is one of those situations where i desperately want to share what God is doing in my life but i need to respect the privacy of others involved. so here goes... my husband and i have been going through a really hard time. i mean really hard. it's been going on now for several years and i can honestly say it's been toughest thing we have encountered in our marriage. i've hesitated to share about it out of the desire to not only protect my husband but to also protect my children for future reading. that being said, there are some things i think are ok to talk about. we've been slowly making progress but it seems like we take two steps forward followed by one step back. this is really frustrating for me. whenever the backwards step occurs i become discouraged and angry. why is this taking so long? why is the Lord allowing me to continue in this situation? why doesn't He just do something about it? this is where my thoughts go. so the last few days we've encountered one of those setbacks and my reaction has been as described. so i open up my email today and one of them contains the following quote by John Piper:
"The infinite complexity of the divine mind is such that God has the capacity to look at the world through two lenses. He can look through a narrow lens or through a wide-angle lens. When God looks at a painful or wicked event through his narrow lens, he sees the tragedy or the sin for what it is in itself and he is angered and grieved. “I do not delight in the death of anyone, says the Lord God” (Ezekiel 18:32). But when God looks at a painful or wicked event through his wide-angle lens, he sees the tragedy or the sin in relation to everything leading up to it and everything flowing out from it. He sees it in all the connections and effects that form a pattern or mosaic stretching into eternity. This mosaic in all its parts-good and evil- brings him delight. (Psalm 115:3).”
see, that's where i falter! i see the present. the suffering. the pain. the trial. but i can't see the outcome. i can't see the beauty that will come out of these ashes. my eyes are focused on the natural, because i'm human. but the Lord sees the whole picture. the forest and the trees. He sees the final result that will make all of this worth it. He sees the testimony and the ministry that will come out of it. and it delights him. so on days like today, when i'm wondering how much more i can shoulder, He knows that things are just as they should be. and that this struggle serves a greater purpose. and when i am drowning in the now and can't see past it, i can rely on my history with the Lord. the hardest things He has allowed me to walk through have been the ones that were most worth it in the end.
i will keep putting one step forward and believing we are actually headed somewhere. i will believe the promises of my God even when i can't see the proof that He's fulfilling them. and i will try to see my life from a wide angle lens instead of a narrow one.