Monday, October 4, 2010

the post not meant for children...

i'm gonna talk about some grown up things today. things not appropriate for children. or for a few select readers- my therapist, my mother in law or my brothers. that's right, we're gonna talk about s.e.x. now i've shied away from this topic in the past. i mean, i'm a mom blogger. a christian mom blogger. so obviously i've only done it the five times to produce my children. but there are some inalienable truths for those of us fortunate enough to have been married for awhile and have many young children. so here goes...

the top ten truths of sex after children!

10. you must learn how to have really quiet sex, sex that will not wake the sleeping baby. and you do.

9. being naked is now a sad, sad affair. things that should be firm and/or smooth are not. things that should be on one hemisphere of your body are now in a completely different one. but it's ok, turning the lights on will wake the baby anyway.

8. birth control takes on a whole new meaning... an obsessive compulsive fanatical meaning. as in "i'm-ovulating-so-you-have-to-go-stay-at-your-parents-tonight" meaning.

7. you can now (successfully!) have sex in 13 minutes so as not to miss grey's anatomy.

6. whereas you used to indicate you were in the mood by wearing sexy lingerie, you now do so by shaving. and wearing your "nice" pajamas.

5. instead of being afraid your parents will walk in on you making out, you're now worried that your children will. or they already have.

4. no dinner and date necessary. heck, you don't even have to turn off the tv.

3. foreplay is now seeing your husband do the laundry (without being asked!) or him saving the last piece of cheesecake for you.

2. everything they say in movies and television about things getting stale the longer you are married are lies... it only gets better.

1. for the family members that ignored my warning and read this anyway, i learned all these things from friends. i swear i've only done it those five times!


Carol said...

This post made me LOL! I totally get the "nice pajamas" thing and the kiddos walking in...that only happened once - Hello lock on the door! Funny how much things change after the kids enter the scene :)

Sassy said...

lol Yeah we were walked in on once. We were so oblivious we didn't realize it until we heard him climbing onto the bed! Luckily he was only 2! I don't think he was scarred too badly. ;)