top ten reasons Jail would be a vacation

so i said recently (to someone who will remain unnamed...) "if you go to jail i'm not bailing you out!" now in reality, i would have bailed them out. cause i'm a total pushover for the people i love. that's just one of those things you say to make it sound like you're taking the hard line. anyway, i got to thinking about the jail experience. now i've never actually been to jail, so this is all conjecture on my part. but it sounds a heck of a lot easier than my everyday life!

10. no more housekeeping! no more 800 loads of laundry. no more scrubbing the toilet where little boys have peed all over the floor. wait, what?! did you say you have to clean the prison toilets in there?? oh, nevermind...

9. no cooking! i don't care how bad prison food is, I DON'T HAVE TO COOK IT! of course the cafeteria is where i'd be most likely to land myself in solitary confinement. don't mess with my food. you touch my tray, you pay the consequences. just sayin.

8. free workout equipment! do you know how much our gym membership is? it's ridiculous. especially considering i could really just take my lazy self outside and run. but i'd rather run in air conditioning while watching tv.

7. lots of free time! time to read, time to write, time to NAP! need i say more?

6. recess! ok, i know they don't call it recess. but if you go outside twice a day to play basketball and run around that's recess. call it whatever you want. if there's one thing my life needs it's the reintroduction of recess.

5.no more planning! there is something strangely soothing about having someone else plan out your whole day for you. when you are responsible for seven (SEVEN!!) people's schedules as i am, that sounds like a dream.

4, free college! now i was fortunate enough to be able to work hard and graduate college with zero debt, a minor miracle. (and see how much that social work degree is helping me? while i change diapers and clean up spit up and whatnot? totally worth it) but i had to enter the workforce long before i was hoping to end my education. i'd love to go back and further it but finances will make that very difficult. so apparently i just need to commit a serious crime and then i can finish for free! yippee!

3. conjugal visits. i'll refrain from elaboration.

2. weekly visits with the kids. i love those kids. i'd love them even more seeing them for an hour once a week.

1. prison just seems like a life of leisure to me! now i know some would argue that the gangs and group showering and fights and whatnot are no walk in the park. but those people have never gone grocery shopping with a toddler and a baby.

facebook is trying to make me june freakin cleaver

let's talk about facebook for bit, ok? facebook can be a wonderful way to stay in touch with old friends, keep your out of town family informed of your life and kill untold amounts of time. it can also be the largest new way to experience peer pressure you've had since middle school. stay with me here... all these other moms on facebook are posting pics of thomas the train birthday cakes they made from scratch and organic vegetable gardens they just planted with their kids and gushing about how their husband just sent them off to the spa for the day while he and the kids cleaned out the basement. you see what i'm saying? all the while my statuses go something like "my three year old just peed on the kitchen table" or "i just accidentally cussed loudly at another driver with all my kids in the car". not june cleavery at all. (don't you love how i just made june cleaver an adjective?!) anyway, it's like this new forum for women to show other women what fantastic, having it together, exercising, baking, party throwing, project completing, back in their skinny jeans, remodeling their own bathroom kind of mom they are. all while spending at least six hours a day on facebook apparently judging by the amount of commenting they've done and all the horses they've got on their farm or mafia or whatever. no one's trying to commend me for posting a status that i managed to brush my teeth twice today. i can't measure up to that. i don't even try. at least i can go to sleep at night knowing the pics i posted of my kids are cuter than everyone else's. so i win.

family pictures 2010 (aka twohours of insanity)

this pic was the photographer's idea... turns out my knees are too old for this!



i came up with this idea and my cousin purchased the scale on ebay. of course the plan was for esme to not be teething and therefore smile. kind of appropriate though, i react the same way to the scale :)









i just love this one... look at that face!












overall, the chaos was well worth it! you can see more of emily's work (or schedule your own appointment!) at her website!

miss mya

a photographer posted some pics of my cousin's sweet baby that i told you about here! check them out if you get a chance, so precious :)

miss mya

true confessions part 3

so i was told recently by someone who was mad at me that i think i'm perfect. while that could not be farther from the truth, maybe i am not as transparent about my faults as i thought i was? who knows but here goes, my faults. as honestly as i can make them.

- i'm a sarcastic A-hole when i'm angry. i really am. i can have a biting tongue when provoked. i would like to say i'm working on it but honestly i'm not making much progress. i'll keep you posted.

- i am never wrong. never. ok, maybe i am wrong and i just don't realize it.

- i am extremely loyal ( i know, that's not bad) but once someone has pushed me to a certain point i'm done. i have a lot of patience but once i've lost it i've truly lost it. unfortunately, there's a point of no return and i can never seem to find my way back from it.

- i'm terribly strong willed and sure of myself. not a good combo. i will fight for anything i believe is right and i'm sure i'm always right. you do the math.

- i'm abrasive. oh the abrasiveness. this has one of two results. either people think it's funny and "just who i am" or they are highly offended. or they think it's funny until i go too far and then they are offended.

- i will defend my family fiercely, even if they're in the wrong. not always a good thing.

- i want to be better than i am, i want to strive to be more. yet i find myself sinking into my "self" whenever i get angry. that i truly am working on. remember that therapy i talked about? we're working on it.

this is really just the tip of the iceberg. ask anyone who knows me well. or has ticked me off in the last 32 years. or cut me off in traffic. or cussed at their kids in walmart in my presence. you get the picture.

top ten ways you know you are a mother of FIVE

you may remember way back in 2008 when we discussed the ways you know you are a mother of four. who knew that being a mother of four was a piece of cake?! why can i not even type the word cake without my mouth watering? anyway... here we are two years & one baby & 35 extra pounds later and it's time for an update.

top ten ways to know you are a mother of five!

10. you think while making your weekly grocery list that the three rolls of paper towels you have left will last the week. you do not, however, anticipate that your three year old will put a brand new bottle of ranch dressing upside down in the fridge so that it slowly spills on everything on the bottom two shelves. it's lite ranch (remember those extra 35 lbs?) so it's runnier than the fatty kind. perfect. on a positive note, it's probably the first time since 2004 the refrigerator has been cleaned out.

9. while you used to only use the tv to babysit while taking a shower, you now just want to read a book. or check facebook. and you only feel guilty about the fact that you don't feel guilty.

8. "date night" means only having the baby with you.

7. you don't even bother with nursing bras anymore because by this pregnancy yours were in such bad shape you had to throw them away and you just can't bring yourself to spend the money on new ones for your last baby.

6. you've said the last three were your last baby.

5. your toddler cries for you ten year old now.

4. every story you share with another mom starts with "when i was pregnant with one of the babies"... but for the life of you you cannot remember which one.

3. people now read your blog for the sole purpose of making themselves feel better about their own lives.

2. your bladder is not only sensitive to coughing but laughing, crying, jumping, sitting, stretching and pretty much any other movement whatsoever.

1. people no longer stop you in the store to ask if they are all yours, they just get out of your way and stare in horror.


and for the record, i've decided that you should get mother's days in proportion to how many children you have. so i'm cashing in four more this year.

mother's day!

as mother's day quickly approaches, of course i'm reflecting on my own mother, my experiences as a mother and the others i know. while i considered writing about why i love to be a mom, i think this blog pretty much covers that on a regular basis. besides, i'm tired of talking about myself! it's always about me, sheesh. so i'd like to highlight a few moms that i think are really special. these are women that have inspired me in the face of their personal adversities and encouraged my own life as a mom.

the first would be my dear cousin, Lora. approximately five months ago, at what they thought would be a standard 20 week ultrasound, they were faced with some stunning news. first, they were pregnant with their first daughter! second, she had a severe heart defect. they saw specialists and developed a course of action that would include an open heart surgery in her first week of life and two more surgeries down the road. the good news was that her prognosis was very positive and chances were she'd lead a mostly normal life. unfortunately, things did not go as planned. after her first surgery she had complications and is now awaiting a heart transplant. you can read more about her story here. she is now a little over a month old, beautiful in every way, and waiting patiently for her new heart. i can't help but have a heavy heart this mother's day for my dear cousin who's waiting for this miracle to be completed. i cannot begin to imagine what she is feeling and experiencing but i am so in awe of her. her strength and that of her husband has been evident from day one, as has their deep faith in the Lord. i can't wait to hear the testimony of little mya's healing and watch her grow up.



the next mom i really need to honor is my wonderful friend (& small group leader!) edie. edie is the mother of hannah, who i've told you all about in the past. hannah was taken in a car accident a little over a year ago. you can read more about hannah right here what i've learned from edie is to never take a moment for granted. you see, before their lives were forever altered by this accident, edie was already that mom who took nothing for granted. if their kids had a sporting event, they were there. if they had something at school, they were there. nothing was ever put before thier children. i hope they can look back now and have no regrets. they were there for hannah in every way they could be and then some. the other way that edie has really amazed me is in her parenting of her other son since hannah passed. i can't imagine going through what they have, i definitely can't imagine still parenting other children in the process. but over the last year they've never fallen into their grief and neglected their son. they have continued to be there for him, to parent him and to carry on for him in every way possible. i can't really fathom the strength, perseverance or courage it takes to do that. what a powerful example.



lastly, no mother's day post would be complete without talking about my own mom. there is no one in my life who has loved me as unconditionally, as completely, as incredibly as my mother has. through times that i'm sure she wanted to hand in the towel, she's never let me down. she has been an example to me of patience, kindness, courage and love. she is my best friend and i thank the Lord frequently for giving her to me.



Happy Mother's Day!

nickjr is out to get me.... and YOU

i know, i know, Two posts in one day! why do i have so much spare time on my hands? because Yo Gabba Gabba is on and i'm neglecting my house! that's why! i have a few gripes to express towards nickjr though, and playhouse disney if anyone is counting.

TOP TEN WAYS CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME!

10. the shows are approximately 18 minutes long. have you ever tried to shower in 18 minutes when you have as much hair as i do? sorry theMr, you just have to get used to the furry legs. it's miracle i can shower at all.

9. some kid on tv just showed my kids how to play the recorder with their nose. thank you so much! i'm always looking for new ways they can spread their snot around a little more!



8. the "catchy" tunes, oh the tunes.... if you are at the zoo among hundreds of strangers and the tram pulls up and at least twenty other parents all start singing the "choo choo soul" song to their kids that should tell you something. true story, this happened to a friend of mine. we should not know these songs so well.
the phone, the phone is ringing....

7. the little "projects" between shows. you know the ones. the easy ones you can do with your child involving simple household items such as 37 Popsicle sticks, 14 colors of felt and a hot glue gun. and they make them seem super easy and fun so that your kid is nagging you all day about doing it. hey kids- our project for the day is making sure the baby gets her diaper changed at a reasonable interval!

6. the commercials. first of all, i'd prefer they don't have commercials. as if my kids need any reminder that are lots of toys they still don't have! but they also show ones directed at the parents. so now my kids want us to buy a snuggie, some tampax and one of those giant cupcake baking pans. not to mention dora nagging us to fill out our census. dora, are you even here legally?



5. the many languages. now i know that good mothers desire their children to by bilingual. but as a mother of a child with a significant speech delay, i'd rather just focus on english. can someone tell me why my toddler needs to know japanese?

4. the repetition of the same five episodes over and over and over.... really. if i see mickey mouse try to get that sheep out of the tree one more time...why is there a sheep in a tree anyway?



3. where are the parents in all these shows? why are max and ruby always unsupervised? and the backyardigans? they play outside all day long with no supervision.



2. the political correctness. now i know this one will probably get me in trouble but it drives me crazy. there is nothing PC about me at all. the constant messages of tolerance and whatnot annoy me to no end. do i want my children to love everyone, regardless of differences or lifestyle choices? yes. do also want them to stand up for truth and morality in a world of "everything goes"? absolutely. i'll handle the character development, nickelodean. thanks anyway.

1. this preschool programming is on 24/7. this is really a blessing and a curse. on one hand, it's always there. on the other hand, it's always there. so you can never (honestly) say "sorry, there's no show on right now!"
you just have to turn it off. and go outside. where you can do a big project involving planting your very own earth friendly garden of organic vegetables after finishing your census form.

rolemodels and little girls

holy cow~ do you see this picture?? theMr and i were out shopping recently and came across this barbie doll. can you see what she's wearing? i'm supposed to buy this for my little girls? are you kidding??? this kind of thing frustrates me to no end. as every mother does, i desire to raise my daughters (& sons!) with a healthy body image, confidence and self esteem. how am i supposed to do that when everything from the disney channel to barbie dolls are encouraging them to have perfect bodies and dress like tiny hookers? i remember when i was young, i had a cousin who wasn't allowed to play with barbies. as a child, i thought that was absurd. as a mother of daughters, i get it. so how do i give them healthy role models? i would love to believe that i will be their role model, and to some extent i will be, but realistically there will be others. i can control what they watch on tv, who they hang out with (for now at least!) and what toys i buy them. i cannot, however, lock them in our house until they are grown monitoring every image their little eyes see. (as appealing as that sounds!) so i guess i just try to model a healthy self image and closely monitor what they are seeing on tv and hope for the best. oh yeah, and not buy them "street walker barbie" ~