Sunday, April 11, 2010
hey guys! i know i've been a bit "distant" lately... can you be distant on a blog? i don't know! i've shared that i'm struggling with some things personally and i've decided to just put it on paper, so to speak. let me give a little background about myself. i am totally a type A, strong willed, strong personality kind of gal. i'm loud, sometimes offensive, fiercely loyal, deeply empathetic, stubborn and set expectations for myself that are completely impossible. i also tend to be fairly confident and self assured. but every since i had esme, i've really struggled. one of the things i've always been confident in is just having it together. i'm a motivated, determined person and i try to really do my best in every area of my life. so since i've had the baby, there are quite a few areas that are falling by the wayside. it's totally sending me in a tailspin. i set this standard for myself that i have to keep-my-house-clean-and-be-an-excellent-parent-and-the-perfect-wife- and-friend-and-churchgoer-and-IF-I-DON'T-IT'S-ALL-GONNA-FALL-APART! i don't allow any room for weakness. the funny thing is that i don't have these kind of expectations for anyone else in my life, only myself. so now that many areas of my house are frequently a mess and i've become super needy with my husband (which is not the norm from me!) and i really need help from people, i'm having a hard time. i'm too tired to go to the gym yet i've become totally insecure about my appearance. i don't want to go places because i don't want people to see me. i'm normally a pretty small person but i gain three times the normal weight when i'm pregnant. i've done it every time and i always lose it eventually but this time it's really stressing me out. then i have this really hot husband who's in excellent shape and i wonder if people see us out and think "what's he doing with her?" and i just hate feeling this way. i'm never this insecure. i'm never this crazy! so i'm going to see a counselor this week and hoping i can sort all of this out before i drive the people in my life insane. hoping i can come to a place where i don't have to be perfect to be "good enough". where i don't feel like i have to constantly try to "earn" my husband's love even though he makes it abundantly clear how much he loves me unconditionally. where i don't feel like i'm not beautiful because i'm carrying the weight from my fifth baby! i have so much grace and forgiveness and understanding for everyone else in my life, it's time to have it for myself. maybe i can learn to do that.