Sunday, June 14, 2009

the beginning and the end...

my grandmother is dying. technically, she's been dying for a year or so now. but now she is in the final stage. my mother and i are taking shifts so that one of us is with her at all times. i'm sitting here, with the buzz of of her oxygen, and the irony is overwhelming. as a machine facilitates her last breaths, i am unable to rest as my unborn child is so active today. one life on it's way out, another ready to begin. i find myself brushing back her hair or offering ice or just watching her sleep, wondering how many times she did the same for me as a child. when my parents divorced, my mom and i moved in with my grandma for a time. she's always been more of a second mother than a grandmother. she cared for me for so many years and now it is my turn to do the same for her. there is something so bittersweet about being a part of the end of her life while awaiting the birth of my last daughter. it grieves me that this baby will never have known her. she will never have gone to grandma june's for a tea party. she won't have played in the doghouse in her yard or been snuck cookies when i'm not looking. she won't know that her mommy and her grandma and her great grandma all have the same hands and the same smile. she'll never know that grandma june was one of the smartest woman i've ever known. she'll see pictures and hear stories, that may or may not be signifigant to her. when she's older she may want to know more about our family's history. but her only memories will be those of stories passed down. just as i never knew my great grandmothers, she will never know hers. what will remain is the traits and quirks and stories and traditions that have passed from grandma to my mother to myself to my children. and as one life ends and another begins, the cycle continues.

5 comments:

Girl Child said...

my dad passed away 3 years ago and I think the same thing about how my middle son Ayden just turned 2 when he passed and Ethan obviously never met him.. and it is SUCH a same.. I swear he was really the smartest man I ever met. He read 3 newspapers a day and could school anyone in Jeapordy (I just spelled that wrong didn't I?) I did NOT take after him in the smarts dept! LOL I will have a problem in my life and I so badly just want to have him here guiding me. Such is life though.. *** thanks for letting me brag about my Seeds*** that's what we called him.. Poppy Seeds.. then eventually dropped the Poppy.. Oh, and did you know that my name "Girl Child" was his little nickname for me since I was his only daughter.. Hope your grandma goes out peacefully and that your "final" (LOL) daughter comes in with peace as well.. oh yeah, and I hope things go smoothly for you too mama!

Sassy said...

My Grandmother passed away when I was about six weeks pregnant with Olivia. She died instantly when a driver fell asleep and went left of center. My aunt was in the car with her. We almost lost her too. I have thought about the irony of my being pregnant when my Grandmother passed. It saddens me greatly when I think that my daughter will never know her. Especially when I look at pictures of my oldest's first birthday party and see her, still with so much life, down on the floor playing with my son and all his new toys. But I also believe with all my heart that she may be one of the reasons Olivia is here today. I always tell people that we had an inside source batting for us! ;)It also gave me great peace to know that if Olivia didn't make it that my Grandmother would be in heaven to welcome her with open arms. Oh, I thought about her so frequently during my pregnancy. Losing a loved one is never easy. I'll be praying for you and your family.

~Sassy

Kim said...

((((hugs)))), I remember the things you are feeling so well from when my own grandmother passed away.

themrs said...

i am blessed to have "blog friends" like you all :) thanks girls!

Life with Kaishon said...

So very sad. I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you had her to love you and show you great love. She sounds like a wonderful person.