mommy pet peeves

as i get older, i find myself (more & more!) avoiding certain types of people. i have little time in my day to day life to actually spend being social, so i want it to count. i just don't have the energy or patience anymore to hang out with people i don't really like. you know? there are certain types of moms that are especially grating on the nerves... i've broken them down into four categories!

1. "my kid is cooler than your kid" mom- her kid has a mohawk when he's four months old. he wears skull and cross bones onesies. and he'll kick your kid's a$$ for daring to like mickey mouse. this kid will never be into soccer or cheerleading, only extreme sports and guitar lessons for this rock star. and please don't make the mistake of buying this little sweetheart anything pink for the shower, everyone knows joan jett never wore pink. not even as a newborn.

2. "i'm one with the earth" mom (subtext: if you really loved your kids, you would be, too)- her kids are cloth diaper wearing, extended breastfeeding, sleeping in their parents bed until they are off to college and having names that include seasons and/0r weather conditions in them. she gives you her best hippie stern look when you give your little one a juice box. everyone knows how terrible corn syrup is for toddlers! she finds great joy lecturing others about the right way to make organic baby food. don't get her started on the fact that you occasionally (gasp!) allow your kids happy meals. if you dared to use formula or disposable diapers you might as well give up now. its already too late for your children.

3. "my kid is more advanced than your kid" mom- no matter what age your child does anything, her kid did it sooner. your kid walked at ten months? hers walked at nine. your kid learned to read at 4? hers did at 2! you were in labor for 12 hours? she was in labor for 28 hours and then had a csection! life is one big competition and this mom is winning!

4. "i hate my life" mom- she needs little introduction. her kids are the worst, her husband is a thoughtless pig, her mother in law is beyond description. she can't ever know what's going on in your life because she's too busy talking about hers. she calls you, talks about herself for an hour and then has to go. (probably because one of her kids is doing something awful.) she is the perpetual victim of anyone and everyone. she just needs your sympathy. and maybe the number to a good therapist!

this list is in no way comprehensive... what are your pet peeves?

closing shop

it's official. theMrs is having no more babies. we've gone back and forth on the decision multiple times in the last few years but we finally made it official. that's right folks, theMr has taken the plunge! by my estimation, i've given birth to five children so it was his turn to take one for the team. he was more than willing. he actually had it scheduled soon after esme was born and i freaked out and made him cancel. i know, it's crazy. it's just that i thought i didn't want any more babies before esme. then she came and i am so very enamored with her! i look at her and think "how can i not do this again?" but in the long run, we need to be done. specifically, if we intend to keep our kids in (very expensive) private school, then i need to return to the work force. that would require i stop getting pregnant. honestly, if that were not the case i'd probably have more. i never saw myself as a mom of lots of kids. i knew i'd probably have more than the average but i never thought i'd want a whole gaggle of them. and here i am! with my uterus aching at the reality that i will never give birth again! but as sad as that makes me, there are definitely perks.

i'll never have to lose baby weight again.

i'm almost done buying diapers.

i can go away overnight.

i only have to hang on to my sanity through one more toddler.

i don't have to preface every new prescription with "is this safe for breastfeeding?"

this is a family blog so i won't even go into the wonders of no birth control and only seeing my gynecologist once a year. it's a whole new world. one i've never lived in for any of my adult life. when i realize that i've been pregnant or nursing a baby for 11 years (one third of my life!) i know it's time to move out of that phase. it's time for a little bit of freedom. maybe a social life of some sort. bras that don't unsnap in the front. cute purses instead of giant diaper bags. the possibilities are endless...

flashback friday!

this is for you sarah!! :)

how much do you really know about me?


i can fit my entire fist in my mouth.

true or false?

i asked theMr out on our first date.

true or false?


i'm afraid of public restrooms.

true or false?

i live in a tiny two bedroom, one bathroom house in the ghetto so my kids can go to private school.

true or false?

i'm not at all competitive.

true or false?

i hate watching movies more than once.

true or false?

i sang in plays, productions and church most of my childhood and now will not sing in public.

true or false?

i've never broken a bone.

true or false?

i'm allergic to nature.

true or false?

i'm super ambitious.

true or false?

i spent many nights camping with theMr when we were dating and then refused to do so once we were married.

true or false?

i want to design a women's golf clothing line that doesn't look like something 80 year old women would wear.

true or false?

one of my children pushed one of my other children out of a two story window.

true or false?

i collect teapots.

true or false?

my mom is my best friend.

true or false?

sometimes i pretend i didn't see my kids do things so i don't have to address it.

true or false?

it makes me feel better when i see people from high school and they've gotten fat.

true or false?

i don't put sunscreen on my kids when we swim at home.

true or false?

i secretly think my husband is hotter than any of my friend's husbands.

true or false?

i was unmarried and in college when i had my first child.

true or false?

my husband was originally buddhist.

true or false?

i have a twilight calendar in my kitchen but i keep it on the same month all year long... (*cough*edward*cough*)



all these are true. every single one. and now you know.

the secret to a great marriage!

you can find your way to any self help section of a book store and find hundreds of books detailing how to achieve a successful marriage. i'm going to save you the time... i have the secret. it's no surprise to my readers and friends that the last year has been rough, to say the least. never has our marriage been tested the way it has in the last 12 months. but before all of these things took place, we were blissfully happy. we had a discussion the other night as to what we need to do to get back to that place. what has changed? the answer was glaringly obvious... we both used to devote our days to making the other person happy. it sounds so simple, yet is so hard to put into practice sometimes. somewhere along the way we fell into the habit of self protection and looking out for number one. there are few things more detrimental to a marriage. the key to a lasting and happy marriage is both parties striving to make the other happy. do you know what the result of that is? two happy people. two people putting their spouse's needs before their own. two people reacting in love even when they don't feel like it. two people treating one another with kindness even when the emotion is not there. unfortunately, emotions are a fickle thing. if we are adoring to our husband only when we feel like it, well, let's just say it's not going to be 24/7! there is a big difference between always loving someone and always treating someone as though you love them. at the end of the day, no matter how justified you may be in your "side", you're not really winning by withholding your love from your spouse. let me give you an example: i like to cook my husband really good dinners ( & he likes to eat them!) somewhere in the last year i stopped doing that. i was still feeding him every night. but i wasn't putting much thought or attention into it. i was acting based on my emotions as opposed to what i know to be true. is what i make him for a dinner such a big deal in the long run? of course not. but is showing him every day that he is the most important thing to me a big deal? absolutely! and cooking is one of the ways i do it. so we agreed that no matter how we are feeling about each other, we will both commit to putting one another first every single day. even when we're driving each other crazy. because at the end of the day, we're on the same team. we just have to be reminded of that occasionally. there you go. i just saved you $19.95 :)

top ten facebook No No's

so, i have this little sitemeter thingy that tells me how many hits i get a day, where they are coming from, who referred them, etc. it doesn't tell me anything fun like your names or whether you liked it or whether you accidentally ended up here by googling "i think i've lost my mind". well, actually it would tell me that. anyway, an interesting little tidbit that i have learned from sitemeter is that when i post serious or touching things, i have fewer readers. what tends to earn me the most? top ten lists and things that will tick people off. surprise surprise... turns out, nobody really cares to hear my take on marriage or parenting (too bad...you're gonna get it anyway!) they'd rather i just make a fool of myself with my motherhood failures and make jokes about the things that you are all thinking but too mature to say, much less put on a blog! eh, i guess i'll just give you what you want. the customer is always right?

top ten Facebook No No's!

10. don't look like an escort in your picture. picking a profile pic is tough. do i put a nice picture of myself? a family photo? something political and/or religious? or how about a picture of my cleavage that i took with my phone in a bathroom! you are not 16. you are not looking sexy. you are embarrassing yourself.

9. putting your family drama on. you know what i'm talking about. changing your status from married to single every time you have an argument over who's turn it is to change a dirty diaper. calling out your brother's wife for something she said about you on her page. stop it. all of you. keep your private business private. that's why it's called personal.

8. letting your young child get a facebook page. there is a reason there are age guidelines. and if your child is going to be on there, you may as well tell them not to send me a friend request. i don't' hang out with 11 year olds in my real life (unless i gave birth to them) and i don't intend to start. thanks anyway.

7. playing all the games and continuously inviting me to play too. i don't care if you love the games. have at it (though i may be secretly judging you)! but stop inviting me! i don't care if you need another cow for farmville or whatever the heck is the goal of that game. i'm not interested. i'm working on finding time to sleep on a regular basis. i have to feed real, live children. not internet farm animals.

6. putting old (unflattering) pictures up and tagging me. this category includes putting up pictures of me and old boyfriends. i don't mind if they are up but they will be untagged. my husband would rather not see such pictures every time he looks at my facebook. we like to pretend we never even looked at another person before each other! and i would rather not see the ones of me in 6th grade with bangs bigger than my entire face. thanks for reminding me!

5. inviting everyone to every event you have, no matter where they live. listen, i'm happy for you that you are selling marykay/pampered chef/those christian purses. i hope you find great success. but you live in Tennessee. i'm not coming to the party.

4. status hijacking. we've discussed this before... example? you post something upsetting or frustrating that happened to you (i.e. my car caught on fire on the way home today and now it is totalled.) someone replies with something irritating like "you should be thankful you even have a car. some people in zambabwe have never owned a car." or "you should be happy that now you won't have to pay exhorbitant gas prices. you can just walk everywhere with your five kids". see what i mean? stop it. i will not be happy that my car burned to ashes. i can be frustrated for a minute. it's ok.

3. clicking on all those spam links. You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you look like in the future. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free ipads and you can't see the video of Osama's death... Not on FB. So stop clicking the spam links and exposing yourself and friends to virus risks. (although in my opinion, if you want to see some of those sick videos, you deserve the virus. just sayin...)

2. posting controversial status updates and then getting super angry and defensive when people disagree. i like to rock the boat a bit. i'm all for some lively discussion. you can feel free to debate me on my status and i won't get mad (as long as you don't get rude!) but if you choose to say something risky, be prepared for the response. it's the same with this blog. i know when i post things if it may tick a couple of people off. i'm ok with that. it comes with the territory of being opinionated. but if you choose to do it, you choose to deal with the repercussions.

1. over updating. this is a fine line. i don't really care how many times a day you update your status because i can just not read it. what i'm talking about is doing so over and over again about the same thing. i'm glad your band has a show this weekend. i didn't need to read it four times a day for the last week, along with the email and the event invite. if i like you that much, i'll be there. or i'm happy for you that you are watching _____sporting event/awards show/presidential speech. play by play commentary is for twitter. thank you for your time!
buh bye.

well, that should about cover it for now. i'll let you know if i think of anything else. just trying to give the people what they want!

good friends are hard to find...

this weekend my best friend was in town from louisville. T and i have been inseparable since fate brought us together at 15. we have been partners in crime, dancing queens and never once been mad at each other in 18 years! (OMG T we are so old!) there are few people in life that you can be 100% yourself all the time with. that you never have to censor yourself with. that knows everything about you and still likes you. that has been there through weddings and breakups and babies and life, right beside you. i love T!

anywho, yesterday we decided to spend the day together and take the kids to COSI (local science museum, about 45 mins away) so we packed up my two youngest and her three year old and were off! all was good until we got there and realized that they are closed on mondays. of course they are. why wouldn't they be? so now we have three very grumpy children to find an activity for. there was a magic mountain nearby so we went there.

the kids had a blast and ate pizza and ran to their little hearts content.

they were all very well behaved and got along wonderfully!

it's a nice break for me to only take two kids somewhere!

we left there, exhausted, but contented. we got on the highway to come home. and were quickly stuck in barely moving traffic. soon after? we were diverted off the highway into a little suburb of columbus with no further instruction as to how to get home. our GPS just kept telling us to get on the highway that was closed. after much driving and frustration, we stopped at starbucks and got directions. (when in doubt? an iced cinnamon dolce latte is in order!) all in all, what should have taken 45 mins to get home took 2 hours. but we made it. and there are few people in this world i'd rather be stuck in a car with. love you T!!

what?! we're still here?!

well, i haven't been raptured yet. which is probably a good thing considering i didn't prepare for it ahead of time. i totally neglected to stock up on canned goods and buy a gas mask. oh wait, that's the apocalypse? or maybe i was supposed to clean the house really well, like you do before you go on vacation? that way the looters will see what a good housewife you were? i think it would've been really funny to get all the kids up and out of the house before theMr woke so it would look like we'd been raptured. he sleeps like the dead so we totally could sneak out without him hearing! but i like my sleep too much to sacrifice it for a joke! i suppose today isn't over, maybe the rapture is more of a late day kind of activity? i don't think the Bible specifies if we should eat a big lunch first or not. i just hope it doesn't come during naptime. because these kids are a mess if their nap is interrupted!

so in honor of this occasion, let's countdown the top ten things to do in case the world ends!

10. get a mani/pedi/wax. just in case the state of our bodies in that moment is how we'll stay. no one wants to spend eternity with hairy legs and chipped nail polish. i believe they refer to that as hell.

9. pack a light dinner, just in case. my blood sugar is tricky. i can't depend on some angel to remember how often i have to eat. i'm sure the Lord is going to be super busy on that day.

8. do you think we're allowed to take our pictures and scrapbooks? like in a fire?

7. are all children potty trained in heaven? or should i pack a diaper bag?

6. i'm gonna have to set out a lot of kitty food, just in case animals don't get to come. i'd feel bad caring for these stray kittens for all of these weeks just to abandon them.

5. do i need my cell charge cord? my phone is a piece of junk. it only holds a charge for about 12 hours.

4. what about wifi? do they have wifi?

3. theMr is working today. i'd need him to come home. i don't think i can manage five kids ascending to heaven by myself.

2. oh snap... i forgot to pay my cable bill. i guess it's not necessary now!

1. i wish we would've gone out and spent all of our savings like others did! a random shopping spree sounds super fun! oh wait, what savings account?


*Editor's Note: this is obviously done tongue in cheek, only meant for a laugh! however, if you have questions about the real rapture and how to ensure you're going, please feel free to email me. i'd love to talk to you about Jesus :) *