Tuesday, January 24, 2012

the new rules...

i like rules. rules make me feel safe. i also like breaking them occasionally, that feeds a different part of me. but that's a whole other post. but in the world of mothering, i think a few rules have been missed. allow me to fill the gap. act accordingly!

10. no mother should ever have a child going through puberty and one potty training at the same time. it's simply too exhausting to be ruining someone's life at the same time you are cleaning up urine on the living room floor.

9. moms can not only take sick days, they can have a certain number of personal days a year. the number directly corresponds to the number of days your husband plays golf. these days consist of massages, lattes and best friends. they are funded by the government. those guys owe us.

8. baby weight will come off faster with each child. i think after five kids it's only fair to not have to work at it.

7. upon becoming a mother, each woman will be assigned a mentor, a manicurist and a housekeeper. the government will cover this one also. they can take it out of their "useless research projects" fund. (you know, the one that paid for the study to find out how long shrimp can run on a treadmill. i'm not joking.)

6. any time a woman with more than one child receives a diagnoses for one of her children involving a prescription, it should automatically come with refills for her other children. when was the last time you heard of anyone having just one kid get pink eye?

5. a chip would be implanted into all father's brains making them super turned on by sweatpants and hairy legs.

4. speaking of body hair, it will now be self-monitoring. you just wake up and it's gone! poof!

3. when your sweet little one is born you will recieve a starter kit that contains infant gas drops, stretchy yoga pants, a GPS chip for all pacifiers and a tiny bottle of vodka for those really rough nights.

2. a long standing rule that i've always adhered to during my own births and those i've attended for friends: no uterus=no opinion. this extends to opinions on epidurals, positions, or any other decision that can come up during a birth. husbands, your job is to stand there and look cute. if we want your opinion, we'll give it to you.

1. lastly, can we just make an all around rule that allows do overs? just yelled at your kid for spilling chocolate milk all over the couch? let's rewind and have a do over. spoke to your husband in a snippy tone because you are so tired? do over. ate a giant piece of cake before bed? do over. couldn't we all use a do over now and again? let's put it in the rules. we'll have the government pay for it.


Cheryl M. said...

Abby, you are seriously my hero of the mothering world!

Becky said...

Dare I admit... Right now I have a child who is going through Puberty AND potty training at the same time. Same child. Definitely not something I'd expected in child rearing! I love your rules!! I definitely think the government owes me the housekeeper, manicurist, and on-call nanny for the "time out days" they also owe me! :)

Anonymous said...

Ummmmm seriously, howscome you haven't had a mom's fantasy book published yet on a day in the life of an "ideal mommy day" including rules and household policies? Ha, ha... You def have the gift, lady!!! Keep writing, I'll keep reading.