it's that time again...

you all know how i feel about halloween. we don't have to rehash it every year. in the interest of compromise, we are attending my sister in law's costume party tonight, with the kids. it's guaranteed to be a fun time for all and will hopefully water down the "why can't we trick or treat" whining tomorrow.  however, that means SEVEN costumes. for real. so i posted on fb that i needed costumes and within 24 hrs had offers of them for all four of the younger kids, score! but today i realized i didn't have one for Ari. no big deal, right? wrong. i went to three stores. do you know what costumes for teenagers are like? all slutty. seriously.  slutty witch, slutty cheerleader, slutty BUMBLEBEE! how do you make a fat, furry insect slutty? just head on over to target and you can see yourself. sigh...

i will post some pics of them this week though. i may hate halloween but i love kids in costumes :)

p.s. i should have some house news to share by tomorrow!

p.p.s. when looking through my old posts to find the one about halloween, i realized i was a lot funnier last year. sorry!

keepin it real

well, when i posted that i was taking off the mask, i didn't realize how quickly that opportunity would come! so in the interest of being real and vulnerable and whatnot, i'm going to share with you the news we received tonight...

we have to move in two weeks.  two weeks.  and we don't know where we're going. 

                                  (i'll let that last sentence soak in for a moment.)

so here's the deal, we have been in a bitter battle with our mortgage company for over two years over illegal practices. we have known for a bit  that we may have to lose the house before it is settled. we did not know that such companies can set an auction date, not inform you of it, and take your house. we certainly did not know that we would have two weeks to find a place and move with five children in tow.

i'll be honest with you in saying that when i got this news, approximately 7:30p tonight, i flipped out. i went into full on panic mode. the wheels in my brain  were spinning so fast smoke was coming out of my ears. at this point, my husband said  "i think we should pray. right now." so we did. then he put the kids to bed and i headed up for my nightly hot bath to have a few words with the Lord. i won't share those words here (this is a family blog!) but have no worries, he's God, He can handle it.  when i was done with my ranting and threatening and begging, He decided to speak. (he's such a gentlemen, never interrupting. letting me get all my crazy out :)  and He reminded me of what i've come out of in the last few months. what i have walked through, how dark my pit was, how desperate and undone i was at many points of it. and then He said to me "If I can get you through that, do you really think I can't provide a house?"

huh. i guess i was thinking that. i wish my limited brain could convey to you the feeling of peace that washed over me. He's got this. He's had it all along. i just have to keep trusting Him.

so as of right now, i cannot tell you where my little people will laying their little heads in two weeks. i have no idea. but someone bigger than me does, and He's got it.

if i have learned anything in the last years of my life it is this: a house is only important in that it is where your family is together. otherwise it's just bricks and mortar. wherever we end up, we will all be there together. that alone is a miracle. the address on the mailbox is just a little perk.

the mask

i've written, rewritten and discarded this post a million times. wanting to express my thoughts and my journey, unsure how to protect our privacy. instead, i've just not posted. it's not that i haven't wanted to, it's just that some stories are not for public consumption. i apologize in advance for some of the vagueness i'm about to convey. i'm in a season of my life that is one of the most trying yet. i had a crisis hit in early august that i never saw coming and i'm slowly trying to find my way back. i can honestly say it hasn't been pretty or easy. it's been messy and confusing and heartbreaking. but the thing about a crisis is that when it hits, who you really are comes to the surface. those parts of yourself that you thought you'd already gotten under control come raging outward. you find yourself looking in a mirror and sometimes you don't like what you see. when we are faced with trials, even when we may be the "victim", we have to reevaluate who we are and what we trying to become. it's a rough journey. in a world that is constantly feeding us lies about who we should be, we need reminders of who we are. but how can you be who you are if you don't really know? you see, i've worn a mask all of my life. it says "i am ok". it says "i'm strong, i don't need help." it says "i have it together". i wear the mask so others will love me, but they just end up loving the mask. therein lies the problem. underneath the mask is fear, insecurity, pride and the lie that if i remove it people will run screaming. so when life throws  you a curve ball that is so extreme the mask falls off, i'm faced with a choice. put back on or learn to live without it?

i'm choosing to keep it off.  i'm choosing to believe the truth about myself and refute the lies. the truth is that i am a weak, sinful human. but thankfully that's not all i am.

i am a daughter of the most high king.

i am fully forgiven and covered by grace.

i am uniquely created for a purpose set in motion at the creation of the universe.

i am full of gifts and talents that i only need to access.

i am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, an encourager, a singer, a person prone to laughter, a worshipper, a believer in miracles, a lover of words, a visionary. 

i am not defined by what i've been delivered from, but what i am being delivered to.

i'm facing the traits about myself that i have believed my whole life are "just how i am" and realizing that i don't have to be that person any more. i am an overcomer. 

i'm taking off the mask. and it feels good.

Ephesians 1:3-8  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—  to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,