Monday, October 15, 2012

the mask

i've written, rewritten and discarded this post a million times. wanting to express my thoughts and my journey, unsure how to protect our privacy. instead, i've just not posted. it's not that i haven't wanted to, it's just that some stories are not for public consumption. i apologize in advance for some of the vagueness i'm about to convey. i'm in a season of my life that is one of the most trying yet. i had a crisis hit in early august that i never saw coming and i'm slowly trying to find my way back. i can honestly say it hasn't been pretty or easy. it's been messy and confusing and heartbreaking. but the thing about a crisis is that when it hits, who you really are comes to the surface. those parts of yourself that you thought you'd already gotten under control come raging outward. you find yourself looking in a mirror and sometimes you don't like what you see. when we are faced with trials, even when we may be the "victim", we have to reevaluate who we are and what we trying to become. it's a rough journey. in a world that is constantly feeding us lies about who we should be, we need reminders of who we are. but how can you be who you are if you don't really know? you see, i've worn a mask all of my life. it says "i am ok". it says "i'm strong, i don't need help." it says "i have it together". i wear the mask so others will love me, but they just end up loving the mask. therein lies the problem. underneath the mask is fear, insecurity, pride and the lie that if i remove it people will run screaming. so when life throws  you a curve ball that is so extreme the mask falls off, i'm faced with a choice. put back on or learn to live without it?

i'm choosing to keep it off.  i'm choosing to believe the truth about myself and refute the lies. the truth is that i am a weak, sinful human. but thankfully that's not all i am.

i am a daughter of the most high king.
i am fully forgiven and covered by grace.
i am uniquely created for a purpose set in motion at the creation of the universe.
i am full of gifts and talents that i only need to access.

i am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, an encourager, a singer, a person prone to laughter, a worshipper, a believer in miracles, a lover of words, a visionary. 

i am not defined by what i've been delivered from, but what i am being delivered to.

i'm facing the traits about myself that i have believed my whole life are "just how i am" and realizing that i don't have to be that person any more. i am an overcomer. 

i'm taking off the mask. and it feels good.

Ephesians 1:3-8  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—  to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,


Bex said...

I'll admit, when life got really crappy for me (when we went through the D that was NEVER going to happen to ME) and all that nightmare... I came to a stark reality smacker in life. All of those songs we've been singing, all those sermons that were preaching, the Psalms and Proverbs. They all suddenly related to me on such a real platform. I didn't fully get it before. It never sunk in. They were nice words, but you can't get SAD until you are truly SAD. The range of emotions you ACTUALLY can EXPERIENCE in life. It's hitting the bottom that's slowly helped climb my way back up. (I've been dying to shoot you a more personal email on some things related to this anyways.. so if you eventually do get one from Me... you've been warned it's coming..). I'm still working on Praying and Daily Devotions.. I keep lookin for a Devotional "For the Tattoed 2nd Marriage Real Mom that Doesn't Come From a Cookie Cutter..." I'm here for you!!

themrs said...

SO true Bex! I'd love to hear more from you :) Message me on FB if you do, i'm terrible about checking this one! Have you ever done any Beth Moore studies? They are incredible!! (for us tattooed real moms ;)