Tuesday, March 31, 2009

no title, just the truth

today i need to be brutally honest. if you came here for my usual sarcasm and humor, you may want to check back tomorrow. when i started this blog, it was primarily to stay in touch with out of state family and to have a place to record my feelings. instead, i've fallen into the habit of using humor to mask my real life. (this is a reoccuring theme in my life) today i just have alot to let out and there is something freeing in doing so with people i don't know in real life. so here goes....
do you ever think you may be having a midlife crisis? not the "i'm gonna buy a convertible and have an affair" type, the "what am i doing and why am i here?" type. i know i'm technically not middle age ( i hope!) but that's kind of where i am. i'm in the midst of pregnancy that i really didn't want. i had finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel (i.e. FREEDOM) with leaving the baby/toddler stage for good. i was starting to have a little bit of my own life again. i was starting to feel like Abby again instead just Mom. now i'm starting over. don't get me wrong, i know i will love this baby just like the others. i know once it's here i will never regret it. but i'm having a really hard time coming to terms with it. i'm tired of my body belonging to someone else. i don't want to wake up all night and never be able to leave a nursing baby and be fat and tired and hormonal.
remember when you used to have dreams? i don't mean dreams of paying off your mortgage or putting your kids through college. dreams like traveling through africa, being a famous songwriter, changing the world. remember those dreams? i do
i love to sing, write music and perform. i haven't done it in almost ten years. another casualty of parenthood. i love to travel, but who can afford it among tuition and insurance and groceries and electric bills? i've always wanted to write a book. my mind is so full of ideas i can't sleep at night. but right now i can't find time to shower some days. i know that everyone talks about how you should cherish these years, how much i will miss them. i know that's true. but some days, when i'm tired and my guard is down, i really miss having my own life. i miss being me. what if this is me now? permanently. what if the old me ceases to exist anymore? what if she's gone, only a memory buried deep beneath stretch marks and sweat pants and hair that hasn't been washed in days. only to be remembered once in a while when a song comes on the radio or you see an old photograph.
i love these kids. i love this man who is my husband. i am so blessed to have the perfect life. so why do i feel like it's not enough? why do i feel like i'm missing something? i just don't know...

4 comments:

Girl Child said...

I hear ya!! I have all these projects I want to do, but day after day goes by and I don't begin any of them. I feel overwhelmed lately with lil man (6mo) demanding so much of my time. I feel like the older two are getting the shaft. Nevermind MEEE.. who am I?? I feel like I'm just MOM. Not Nicole, not even a wife really.. just MOM. Which of course I LOVE.. buuuut I want to be NICOLE again. I want to paint a wickedly kick ass picture and hang it on my wall. I want to be proud to be something other than slave.. err.. I mean MOM.

PS.. fried Oreos?? eww.. turn my stomach!! lol

merryway said...

I read your post and am sorry for how you're feeling. I remember those times of being overwhelmed and frustrated from my younger days. So often, all those things we like to do for ourselves get pushed aside as a mom's work is never done. Sometimes you just got let yourself feel bad for awhile so you can get it out feel a little better. Hope those feelings lighten up a little bit for you.

Sassy said...

I feel this way too sometimes! Honestly I think that is why I started blogging. I hoped that maybe I could find myself again by writing. As it turns out however, life as mommy has even pushed that aside lately. It isn't the blogging I miss so much as it is just having time for my own thoughts. You know?

Pretty Things said...

Don't feel like these thoughts are wrong -- they're not. They're totally, completely normal. There are days where all I want to do is cuddle with Zack. And then there are days I want to run screaming down the street.

Hang in there -- you can always email me to trade stories and we'll poke at each other and remind each other, we're mom, wife, but we are OURSELVES, too.