Wednesday, March 10, 2010

i'm so overwhelmed, i'm not sure i can properly articulate it. i was browsing blogs when i came across one that caught my eye. i'm not sure why, it just did. so i started reading. at first it's your typical "mom blog". she's talking about her husband and her kids and her daily life. then i come to an entry about why she's so put off by churches/religion. it's a long entry so i won't go into all those details but within it she shares some of her life experiences that have greatly impacted her faith and her walk within it. at one point she shares that her two year old child died, quite a few years ago. and that when that happened, she was afraid God was punishing her because she'd had two abortions earlier in life. that she owed God that little life and He was simply taking what was due. my heart is simply crumbling at the words of this hurt, broken stranger. i'm longing to help her know how much the Lord loves and delights in her. that He did not take her sweet child as a punishment. that He loves her so much He gave her His Son to cover all her sin: past, present and future. i don't know why this woman's blog entry is affecting me so strongly. i guess i just feel for her... as a fellow mother...woman...sinner. how many times do i wonder if i'm simply "getting what i deserve". even though deep in my heart i know that what i truly deserve is so much more awful than the worst of what i've really experienced. i don't know this blogger. i don't know anything about her. but i hope someone in her life reads this post, gives her a long hug, and tells her that Jesus forgave her long ago for those abortions and it's ok to forgive herself now. that someday she will see joshua again. and on that day, she will see the whole picture and understand why she had to let him go so soon.i wish i had a better answer, i really do. i look everyday at stories of children battling cancer and hunger and abuse. i don't understand it. i don't know why the Lord allows it. i can't wrap my brain about it. but i have to go back to my own experiences with Him and stand on the faith of those. all the ugliness that life has handed me He has managed to turn to beauty. even though sometimes it hurt really bad. i don't have the answers. i don't even have an educated guess. all i can do at the end of the day is focus on where He has me today and pray for those going through so much more than i could fathom. and hope someone gives those struggling a hug.

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