the minivan nazis

ok, i have a serious rant coming so hold on! i frequently gripe to theMr about what i call "the minivan majority". these are your typical, stepford, minivan-driving moms. now, although i drive a minivan full of children, i tend to stand out of this crowd. i'm the mom at open house who has peircings and tattoos. i'm the one who doesn't dress like i just stepped out of a talbots catalog. there's nothing wrong with those moms, it's just not who i am. where i tend to have conflict is the expectation that i should not only conform to these standards of motherhood but that i should care what they think of me. *newflash* I DON'T! i'm ok with being the my-kids-wear-costumes-in-public, i-don't-believe-in-cell-phones-for-children, living-in-PJ-pants, having-piercings-in-places-only-my-husband-will-see kind of mom. so today, i get a call from my mom. she happens to be the school nurse at my kids' school. (on a side note: there is nothing more wonderful than having grandma for the school nurse!) anyway, apparently there is a grandparent who volunteers daily in my son's 1st grade class. it seems that this woman frequently comes to my mom's office to share her "concerns" about my children. today it was that their lunches are not healthy enough. she's pretty sure that's why zaza is so "energetic". first of all, that child has been full of energy since the moment he found his way out of my womb. it's who he is. it has nothing to do with his lunch. secondly, who the heck are you, stranger?? do i know you?? do i care what you think about my kid's lunches? nope. of course my first response is to defend what they eat. and then after a moment i realize i really don't give a crap what she thinks. i don't know her. i don't owe her any explanation! and furthermore, if she is so "concerned", then let her call me. i would be moooorrre than happy to discuss my parenting with her. bring it on, grandma!

streakers on the loose

i frequently encounter a disturbing part of parenthood that No one warned me about. the stress? no.
the large quantities of money needed? nope.
the horrific amount of excess skin i now possess? nada. (although that is disturbing, but on a different level!)

what i am finding is that in this house we seem to have somewhat of an obsession with peepees and whohaas. are you with me here? now in our house, we use the anatomically correct names for these parts. but i just can't bring myself to type them here. prude that i am... anyway, we have little boys in this house who love any reason at all to get out their little man parts. to pee off the front porch, to run around naked, to put it on the kitchen table while i'm cooking. yes, i said on the kitchen table. now my girls aren't quite so adventurous. they just like to be mostly naked, as much as possible. it's the middle of winter in the midwest. we live in a 110 year old house. it's cold ladies! put some clothes on! i buy them these cozy, warm PJ's for winter and they want to sleep in their underwear. i try to take it all in stride. you know, not make a big deal, lest i scar them for life like sybil. but i can only take so much. and how am i supposed to teach them to cover up when half the day they see me on the couch with my breast out?

the lovely miss esme

true confessions part 3

it's time for another true confessions post! it's time to let out the ugly truth for all to judge! here we go!!
i watch twilight whenever my husband is gone for an evening. and i still swoon. he's out of town for this entire weekend. you do the math.


i've quickly "dusted" my end tables and mantle with baby wipes when unexpected company is coming over.


i own a pocket sized edward cullen doll and i take pictures of him with my cell phone in random, funny situations. i'm that awesome. or ridiculous....


i've been known to teach my toddler sarcastic remarks and then act clueless when he repeats them in the presence of another adult.


sometimes i bake chocolate chip cookies after everyone else is in bed and i don't share them. with anyone. i eat them all. hence the 30lbs i need to lose.


i love crossword puzzles but i am super anal about how they're done. i can only use a pencil and it has to be mechanical and have a good eraser. those people that do them with a pen totally freak me out. thrill seekers they are!


i secretly think my kids are better than everyone else's and it's not cause i'm biased!

i admit things on my blog because i think it will relieve me of all guilt!

someone let the crazy out!

i have to rant for a moment so if you came here for a laugh today, you may want to check back tomorrow! there is a blog that i read regularly, i will not name it as i don't want to add to the crazy. i enjoy this blogger. she's funny, she posts cool pictures, i find it entertaining. she has a rather large following. it came to my attention today that are people who feel this woman is misrepresenting herself. they don't like her or her blog. so they have started their own blog where they can talk about how much they don't like her, what a bad mother/wife/blogger/human being she is and they can all congregate together around their virtual burning cross. what is wrong with people? if you come across a blog you don't like you can choose not to read it! think someone is full of BS? go to another page! why would you spend precious time sitting at your computer talking about someone you don't like? the irony? they claim she's a bad mother because she blogs too much, therefore spending too much time online as opposed to with her children. they are saying all this while online, not parenting their children. hypocritical much??

what did you just say?!?

so we're driving zaza to wrestling practice tonight, when the bean opens up the convo with this stunner:
"mommy, i think you should really think about it before you have that surgery that makes you not have babies anymore."
"um, why?"
"because in a few years we'll all have our own lives and you'll need a little person by your side!"

obviously this child has not been paying attention! i can't think of anything i need less than a baby. well, maybe a lobotomy. or a flesh eating disease. although, if my flesh starting falling off would i lose weight?

can i get a nap?

"um... why are you so stressed out? try sleeping at night!"


the always adorable, charming-all-who-meet-her miss esme has apparently decided that sleeping is soooo last year. as in, let's get up at 4 am for the day! mommy will love it! we'll talk and play and if mommy tries to go back to bed i'll scream my sweet little head off! this child will be screaming bloody murder until i speak to her and then it's all smiles. how can you be mad at that smile? even at 4am?