grace wins

today was a long day. like a tired-stressed-anxious-iwanttodrownmystressinchocolate kinda day. theMr is in full construction mode and working 60-70 hours a week, not getting home until nearly 10 most nights. we are at the beginning of what may be a huge battle over our foreclosure. i spent the afternoon, after work, writing and mailing letters to politicians and media. my brain has been churning all day... grumpy mom plus five kids is not a super combo. by bedtime, i am done. i'm tucking esme in, i lean down to kiss her and she whispers "you is beautiful, mama". oh sweetpea...when she looked at me in that moment, she saw the mom who tucks her in and kisses her every night. the mom who buys her dora yogurt even though it's overpriced and full of sugar. the mom who "carries her like a baby" when she asks. what she didn't see is the frazzled mom who yelled at her today for not putting on her shoes. or the mom who was sick all afternoon from a week of bad eating. or the mom who hid in her bedroom watching tv while her kids played in the next room. she didn't see the mom who loses her temper too often and cusses under breath and doesn't separate the lights from the darks and is a crazy person without her antidepressant. because when she looks at me, she sees love. and love doesn't see flaws. when you look at someone with love, you see all of the things you love about them. the most amazing thing about that interaction is that it's just a glimpse of Jesus. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sin or our flaws or all of the ways we fall short. He sees his beloved child. He delights in us! how precious that a three year old can model that. i so often think i am the one doing all of the teaching in this relationship, i could not be more wrong.

courageous

since i was a child, i've always wanted to be courageous. someone who lived life without fear. someone who took on any adventure with zest and excitement. i worked hard to become that person. the problem is that i mistook putting on a mask with courage. i told myself along the way that a person who was courageous never showed fear or weakness. they could always handle anything, and if they couldn't, they pretended they could. this false belief has caused me much heartache over the years and has prevented me from connecting with people in a real and vulnerable way. i built up a castle of protection around my heart, no one could hurt me, no one could get in. it wasn't until forces collided in my life that i realized it was a lie. that "being strong all the time" is really bondage. that sometimes courage is being brave enough to fall apart. being brave enough to say i'm not ok. to say i need help. to say i need YOU. i found myself in the last year at the stunning realization that i had believed a lie about myself all of my life. the lie that i have to be strong. that i cannot show weakness. that people won't love me or respect me or want me if i fall apart. what i have found in my brokenness, is that when you fall apart is when those around you have a chance to shine. when you are so desperate and despondent that you can't even ask for help is when the people that love you step up. in early August of 2012 i essentially had a nervous breakdown brought on by extreme crisis. i have never been in a darker place in my life. my friends rallied around me in a way i could not properly put to paper. they held me, they let me cry, they let me yell, they let me cuss, they were there. they saw me sink to a place they had never imagined they would find me in and they came through. in the first few weeks of that time, six of my closest friends and my mother asked me to meet them at our local  house of prayer so they could pray over me. they were so worried about me. as i literally laid on that floor, curled in a ball, sobbing as they prayed and spoke truth over me, i had an incredible vision. i was standing in the middle of war. bullets were flying around me and the enemy was close. i was curled in fetal position, too weak to even stand, much less fight. my friends were standing in a circle around me, facing out. they were fighting the battle for me when i was too weak to defend myself. sometimes courageous is being willing to curl up in a ball and be honest about where you are. as i walk through this journey, i'm learning more and more about who i am and who i'm not. i can be strong, but i don't have to. i can be courageous while still being scared. some days that just means that i keep putting one foot in front of another while praying that the fear doesn't overtake me. some days it means i can smile and know it will be ok. but either way, i know now that i have a net. i'm not hanging off of this cliff alone. i can be courageous... and if i can't there are those that would be for me. and that makes all the difference in the world.

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything with love.

the aftermath...

ah Easter.  the holiest day of the year.

white dresses and tights, eggs filled with candy, hymns posted on statuses.
a day of celebration, reverence and solemn reflection.
as the suns sets and the festivities end, peace abounds.

 or not... it's only 5:30 and my kids are running around like crack fiends itching for a fix. the sugar overload has officially rendered them unable to function at a normal decibel. one sweet child is trying to hang a bunny with his New striped overpriced tie, while another lays on the kitchen floor screaming for chocolate. beautiful floral dresses are streaked with candy and dirt. theMr sleeps peacefully on the couch while i cower in fear, realizing that this is the moment where the inmates take over the asylum. suddenly, in a moment of holy inspiration, a declaration comes forth to please the masses... "who wants candy for dinner?" they cheer and jump and shower me with praises. i can smile a genuine smile because deep inside i know....
they  are going to bed at 7!

happy Easter from theMrs!

10 headlines you may read about theMrs

im gonna be famous someday...for all the wrong reasons

10. woman found wandering around starbucks parking lot mumbling after 132 car troubles. Husband says he fixed it.

9. Local mom discovered after being reported missing three days ago.  She was trapped under large pile of laundry.

8. Parents of five reported to authorities by their own children for child labor violations.  Authorities say the charges are substantiated.

7, Nanny needed: Must cook, clean and facilitate the recording of all episodes of big bang theory.

6, Man awarded a purple heart medal for his heroic efforts dealing with his wife's mood swings after hysterectomy.

5. Scientists discover new life form in children's bathroom. Children claim they just cleaned it on chore day.

4. Springfield woman taken away in handcuffs after being told by pediatrician that children who are teething do not run fevers,,,again.

3.  Local couple busted in prostitution sting at hourly hotel...investigation uncovers they were just looking for a cheap place to nap.

2. America's most beautiful child contest a five way tie, first time in history!

1. Local blogger thought to be dead. Early reports say she is fine, just too lazy to type on iPad.

We did it!

We did it! My mom started her weight loss journey in June 2012. To date she has lost 70 POUNDS! I started in August and have lost 50! It has been great support for us to do this together. We have commiserated about our workouts, our appetites and our life changes. As excited as I am about my own weight loss, I'm even MORE excited about hers. I hope this means a long, healthy life for her :) Who would've guessed that at 35 & 56 we'd be in the same size? We both have about 10 lbs to go, but I think we can do it. Just in time to shop for cute summer clothes together :)

I love you Mom and I'm so proud of you!

grace filled Christmas

i don't do Santa or elf on the shelf. not due to theological reasons, it goes deeper than that. the concept behind both is that if kids are good enough, on their best behavior, they will get gifts. it sounds good in theory, but i battle a lifelong struggle against this exact mindset. if i'm just good enough, things will be ok. however, this is not how God works. before we were ever deserving, He made the ultimate sacrifice for us. we didn't earn it and we never will. but Grace doesn't stop there.

James 1:17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.

notice it does not offer the disclaimer "if we follow the rules" or "if we are deserving" or "if we are good enough". He bestows His gifts simply because He loves us. He already knew we didn't deserve them and we'd never be good enough. He gives them anyway.

many times, we confuse the blessing that comes with obedience with reward for our actions. we are blessed when we obey God because His way is right, therefore it blesses our lives. He's not rewarding us for following the rules. He's showing us the fullness of life that abides in Him. sometimes, it's when we are at worst that we really get this concept. when we are entrenched in sin, staring up from the pit, knowing with every fiber of our being how wretchedly undeserving we are. then He will pour out incredible blessing on us in the midst of it. and we really get that we didn't earn it, we've never earned it. He just loves us. no strings attached. He loves us when we're good and He loves us when we're not.

i have battled this erroneous mindset for most of my life. that i have to strive to be good enough, while never feeling i can achieve it. that i just have to keep working harder and trying more and toiling in vain. it hasn't been until i felt so depleted i was totally incapable of working any more, that He reminded me of His grace. that He blessed me beyond measure when i was so undeserving. by definition grace is unmerited assistance. i don't have to be good enough, He loves me anyway. just the way i am.

so what does this have to do with Santa and the Elf? i don't want my children to go 34 years before getting this. i want them to know that they are loved no matter what. they don't have to earn my love, my gifts or my time. they never have to be good enough for a savior to redeem them. that Christmas is to celebrate the most precious gift of all and one month of "good" behavior is not warranted to receive it.
it's free. it's grace.

changes...

i just realized i haven't written since i announced the house situation. i am so sorry. our crazy life has gotten crazier and blogging has been way down the priority list. so let's get all the updates out of the way first...

the House:

we started looking at houses immediately. it was depressing. they were either filthy, very small or way out of our price range. not to mention, who wants to rent to a family of 7 with a foreclosure? i was trusting that we would be taken care of while simultaneously terrified of where we may have to live. after several promising leads fell through i was really starting to panic. then a good friend called and mentioned that a house on their street had been empty for a year. she wasn't sure if they were open to renting it but offered to get the owner's number for us. i called him the next day and talked to him for an hour. the house was his parents and his grandparents before that. it had been empty since his mother went to a nursing home. he hadn't rented it because he was "waiting for God to bring him the right people." we got off the phone after agreeing to meet and see it that night. after we hung up, my stomach was in knots. i had been somewhat evasive with him about our situation and i felt sick that i hadn't been totally honest. i immediately texted him what was going on with our house and told him i would totally understand if he wasn't comfortable with it. he was fine. we met that night and the minute Eli and i walked through the door we knew this was our house. it's far bigger than we ever hoped for (almost double square footage of our previous house) and right in our lower price range. we were floored. the owner is an amazing man and he seemed confident that we were the people he had been waiting for. we made plans to move the first weekend of December. it has four bedrooms, three full baths, and lots of room for small people. it is literally a dream. it is in a beautiful neighborhood, some of our best friends are a few houses away and we couldn't be happier. here are some pics....

 Master bedroom... on the main floor, behind the kitchen. AWAY FROM THE KIDS! ;)

 Opposite wall of our room, our bathroom on the left and the door to the laundry room on the right!

 TV room... which means NO tv in the living room, yay!

 dining room which will hopefully have a table eventually :)

 kitchen, which was originally pale blue with a birdhouse border. 

living room with gas fireplace. 

 View from the dining room. those double sets of french doors go out to a porch :)

next up... the Job:

so to add to all the changes, i started a job today! my first job out of the home in ten years. the position is at an agency here called Marriage Resource Center. it's a really incredible agency. they aim to lower the local divorce rate, enhance marriage relationships and build stronger families. i would encourage you to check out the website, i'm really blessed to be a part of it. it means a major change in our household, especially for esme. she's never gone to a sitter and is used to being with me most of the time. add to that moving in the same week. a LOT for a three year old to process. she is not napping and rarely sleeping but i hope she will adjust soon. thankfully i have really wonderful people watching her and it's only part time.

lastly, thank you to all of the people that have been praying for us, support us and generally bring encouragement. i may not get to respond to all, but know that it means so much to us. we continually ponder how we are blessed to have the people in our life that we do. it amazes us. thank you!