Monday, August 23, 2010

let's just put it all out there, shall we?

*Disclaimer: this post will not be fuzzy, warm or funny. if you are looking for either of those things, click away now! you've been warned!

let me tell you about my companion. to call it a friend would be a stretch by anyone's standard of friendship. i'm talking about my anger. my anger that has become this entity that i drag around with me like a boulder around my neck. my constant companion that i try to leave behind yet i can't. my companion's name is anger but that's nothing more than a nickname. a nickname to cover for his real name which is fear, longing, rejection, insecurity, abandonment, depression and unmet expectations. sometimes i find ways to stuff him really far down inside so others can't see him. so i look normal and happy and totally at peace. then he makes his presence known, at the most random times. at a stranger in traffic. at my neighbor. at my mom. at my kids. at all the people who haven't earned it because he's too much of a coward to lash out at the ones who have. then i'm forced to apologize and try to excuse the behaviors... "i'm sorry, i'm not feeling well today" or "i'm sorry, i've been really stressed out lately" or "i'm sorry, it was a misunderstanding". what else can you say? "i'm sorry, i'm totally filled with rage and i took it out on you because you love me enough to forgive me". maybe i should say that but one of his other real names is deceit. part of masking deep anger is learning to lie. pretending all is good. pretending you are full of peace and grace. pretending it's ok when it isn't. pretending it's just a bad day. pretending you have it all under control while you hide away and cry in the pantry. because what happens if you show the truth? what if you let people see it? what if you let the wall down? will you ever be able to put it back up? what if you open the gate and it floods and you can't get it closed again? what if you just fall apart and this time the pieces can't be put back together? or what if i finally just let it all go? moved on, forgave, healed and grew? what if i stopped punishing my present day life for my past? what if i took all those unmet expectations and gave them back to the only One who can fill them... the Lord? what if i looked in the mirror and saw a woman who tries to be wife/mother/friend/sister/aunt/daughter but forgets to offer herself grace? would i be so angry? would i be able to move on? would i be able to embrace a new present and let go of wishing for a past? could i even realize that sometimes people let you down because they are dragging around their own companion and it's screaming so loud in their head they can't hear you? when i find the answers i'll let you know...

1 comment:

Sassy said...

You are so strong and brave for writing this! Honestly I don't even know what else to say, but that you are an amazing woman! It can be scary to be so honest and you did it with grace.

I will be praying for you more than ever and as always I am just a call away if you want to talk!

Love you!