This post has been brewing for me for several years. In
reality, the journey started for me in my early 30’s as I began really
unpacking who I am. What a long strange trip it’s been. But oh the freedom that
has sprung from it. But first, a little background…
I was raised in a family of strong women. Raised by a single
mother who had a single mother. Then when I was ten, my parents became
Christians. Our family and church subscribed to the theology that men are the
leaders, both in the home and in the church. A woman’s calling is always to be
a wife, a mother and submissive. It was drilled in to me during the very
formative teen years of figuring out who you are. I believed it. My struggle
was that I didn’t fit into that box. I was not quiet, I was not submissive and
I was very rarely gentle. So the label I wore was “rebellious”. I spent years
walking out that label to its fullest degree. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I carried that label into young adulthood, even after I returned to the Lord
after many years astray. I threw myself full force into what a Godly woman was supposed to look like. Ministering in
acceptable areas (children’s ministry, hospitality, music). Trying to fit who I
really am into the box of “Godly woman”. I tried to be more submissive to my
husband. I tried to suppress the natural leadership skills I have always had. I
tried to learn how to be meek and sweet and quiet. I failed miserably. With
each passing year another piece of me shriveled up and faded. I found myself
increasingly burnt out by being the small group leader’s wife, who isn’t
allowed to teach because there are men in the group. I was tired of serving in
children’s ministry when quite frankly… I don’t like children. My marriage was
suffering greatly as I tried to submit to my husband being the leader of our
home and resenting him for not meeting my standards. Meanwhile, his resentment for
me grew as he was forced into a role that is not his gifting either. And around and around we go…
Fast forward to 2011. We had officially crashed and burned
in ministry. We had walked away from all of our leadership roles and rarely
attended church. My husband was drowning in addiction and I had no choice but
to be the strong one. It had to be done. But the resentment carried on.
Opportunities began to arise in the community that allowed me to lead outside
of the church and I ran with it. I finally felt like maybe I could spread my
wings a bit. I had spent the past ten years of my life carrying shame and guilt
over not being good enough, not being the right kind of woman, not being a
woman of God. I began to step out a bit, little by little, and lead. I began to let those gifts lying
dormant out of the box. I started teaching. I started to mentor. I started to
find Abby again. Meanwhile, my place
in the church didn’t change and my resentment there grew even more. I started
to notice that I had never seen a woman speak from the stage. I had never heard
a sermon by a woman. And I had a lot of questions. I’m just enough of a type A
personality that when I am questioning something… I begin to obsessively
research. It takes over my mind until I am satisfied. I began to read
everything the Bible had to say about women and compare it to what it says
about the character of God. I began to read books on the topic and pray pray, pray. During this time, the
Lord spoke. His words were so clear to me.
“Abby, if I had
wanted you to be a follower, I wouldn’t have created you a leader.”
I wish I was a gifted enough writer to describe to you what
impact that revelation had on my life. It was as if someone had taken the lid
off of the box and let me FLY. It set me free.
All of my life I had worn the label of “rebellious” under a cloud of
shame.. I now wear it as a badge of honor.
I felt free to walk in who I really am. As this new
found revelation began to permeate the different areas of my life, things began
to change. I will never forget the day my husband and I sat down and discussed
what it could look like if we were equal partners in this marriage. If neither of us had to be the leader or the
follower. If we were able to mutually submit to one another. When he is
weak, I can be our strength. When I am weak, he can be strong. Our marriage
changed profoundly from that point on. We both were able to be free to be who
we are. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak, always
a team.
Around this time, I began to really struggle with whether I
should leave our church. Staying or leaving a church may seem like a minor
decision to some. But keep in mind, my family has been there for 27 years. The people
that make up that congregation are not just acquaintances I see on Sundays,
they have become my family. How could I leave? But resentment continued to
grow. I went to coffee one day with a dear friend and I shared this struggle.
She knows me well and knows I prefer someone to be direct. She looked me right
in the eye and said “It’s easier to walk
away than to stay and change the system.” In the moment, I was angry. I
didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to leave and find a place that agreed with me.
I was tired of fighting the system. I was tired of being put in a box and not
being allowed to walk in my identity. I
was weary. But despite my pleas to the Lord to release me, He didn’t. Within
a few weeks of that conversation, we were approached by one of the pastors
about being part of a church plant in a neighborhood of high poverty. It really
is the exact thing that I’m passionate about. I put everything on the table
that night in a coffee house. My anger at the church, walking away from
leadership years before and my refusal to get back in the box. He assured me
that we were on the same page and I would be allowed to walk in freedom there.
I agreed to come. Over the past two years, he has kept that promise. He has
gone to bat for me more times that I can count and probably many more than I am
aware of. Not long after opening,
circumstances occurred that allowed me to become a staff member and serve as a
community advocate for the church directly serving that neighborhood. I was
finally free to minister in the way the Lord uniquely gifted me to do so
without the constraints of my gender. I
was able to serve with a pastor that saw me as an asset and not merely a woman.
It was breathtaking.
That brings me to the present. I am serving my community
with the gifts I have. I have a career that is both fulfilling and heartbreaking
and beautiful all at the same time. I
still don’t see eye to eye with my church on issues of women but I’m continuing
to have the conversation. But what I’ve learned along the way is that my church’s
theology doesn’t define me. The world doesn’t define me.
I am free to be who I am without
shame.
There will always be those who disagree. There will always be
someone trying to put me back in the box. But the best weapon I have in this
battle is walking unapologetically in who I am and doing so to the best of my
ability. I can be the best version of myself. I can be a female leader who is
not aggressive or militant. I can be a woman who is strong and powerful. I can
be a woman who is passionate about social issues and still cries during
worship. I can speak my truth and tell my story and be vulnerable so others can
hold me up when I don’t have the strength to hold myself. I can raise daughters
who have no boundaries set upon them, either in the world or the church. I can teach them that the possibilities are
endless. Maybe the Lord will have them be a pastor or a CEO or a homemaker.
Whatever future He has for them, they will be powerful.
Because just like their male counterparts.. they are created in the image of God.
And their call will be
to use that power to be a voice for the voiceless, as is mine. That we serve in
our church because we are called to be servants. That we love the unlovable
because we were first loved. That sometimes we visit a different church so they
can hear a woman preach. That this is OK.
That being powerful and strong doesn’t mean being overbearing and critical. It
means being wise and empathetic and knowing who you are. It also means knowing
who you are not. I am not meant to be
in a box… and I’m never going back there.
