Ask theMrs: keeping the spark and holding it all together!

it's time for another edition of ask theMrs! let's jump right in!

our first question comes from facebook:

This Wednesday marks my 13 year anniversary with my employer. I'm currently working towards my degree and I need words of encouragement! Since I have started I have managed to get straight A's all while working full time, a full time relationship, managing our household,experiencing my own motherhood with the little one, etc..... I am finally in my HR Mgt class and I feel that I have put way too much pressure on myself to maintain an A in this class. Why? Well because I've been working in HR for 13 years!! I'm doing great on all my assignments, but struggling with my open book tests. Yes, I said open book. I have never been a good test taker and I think I am putting way too much pressure on myself. Please offer me any words of encouragement.

well first off all, let me say Bravo! to be juggling all of that, well, is quite an accomplishment! i had a baby and full time job when i was getting through college also and i still look back and have no idea how i did it! it sounds like you are managing your time well and handling things great! i struggle with the perfectionist side too. here's the deal though: in the real world, nobody will ever know what your grades were! they won't even care about your GPA. all they see is that you have that degree. so making yourself crazy over one class is just not worth it. you know that you earned that degree and you will have the piece of paper to prove it. that's all that matters! so take a deep breath, do the best you can and don't sweat the rest. it'll all be over soon! and when you graduate? buy yourself a really sexy pair of shoes as your reward ;)

this question came in via email:

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have a 2 year old. We're currently in a lull in our relationship and just can't find the time for us. He's teaching so he has no choice but to bring his work home with him and by the end of the day I'm exhausted. How do you find time alone with your husband with 5 kids?

this is a really good question. it's one we're constantly evolving and working on! no matter how many kids you have, they are time suckers! add to it careers and outside obligations and it's easy for marriage to take a backseat. the only way to avoid this is to consistently put your marriage first. even before your children. here's what that looks like: schedule time for each other. just like you would an appointment. we do a weekly date night. we have to work hard to have the money and time for it but it's totally worth it. another thing is a good bedtime routine for our kids (and early bedtimes!) so we have time together at night! that means NO kids coming downstairs, no distractions. now this doesn't mean we're sitting having deep talks every night. some nights i'm reading while he watches a movie. but we try to be in the same room, on the couch or whatnot, at least cuddling. even for you two to sit together on the couch while he works will help bring closeness. he also has to be willing to set boundaries for how/when he works. even for you both to decide that after your toddlers bedtime there is no more working. that time is reserved for you. we try to at least have a 20 minute conversation at that time about our days and anything else before the tv or computer come on. just to connect. it's hard to do that deeply in the day to day, which is why we instituted weekly date night. lastly, another important component to keeping the intimacy while raising young kids is to have sex often. i know that seems funny to say but the more often you have sex, the closer you will feel. now don't get me wrong, i understand the tiredness that comes with young children. and how hard it is to feel sexy at the end of a long day cleaning up bodily fluids and wiping bottoms. but if you want to still like your husband when all the kids are gone, this is important. so take a hot, relaxing bath, put on something cute and not flannel and throw yourself into it. the interesting thing about sex is the more you have it (even if you really weren't in the mood) the more you'll want it. i would even challenge you to have sex every day for the next month and see how you feel. it just might surprise you ;) one great resource off the top of my head i can suggest is checking out the website raw reflections from the journey. this couple specializes in marriage enrichment and give some awesome advice. they also have a book coming out that i think will be great called "coaching your own marriage". i hope i answered your question!

if you have a question you'd just love answered, email me at themrsanswers@gmail.com!

where's Al Gore when i need him?

sometimes my ideas for this blog just come to me in the midst of my daily activities. call it divine inspiration. sometimes i simply have a question i'm asked to i answer. other times, all i have to do is read the news. where i'm enlightened by an article titled "aliens may destroy humanity to preserve civilizations". i'm not joking. i could not make this up people. this is what they said:

" reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim. Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain."

wow. all this time i've been worrying about rising fuel costs and the debt ceiling and whether hormones in meat are causing my kids to mature too early. i hadn't even thought about global warming making us a target for alien life! geez! it's like i'm living in my own alter reality. thinking i'm safe from alien invasion even though i don't own a prius. well i've learned the error of my ways. i'll never again be so blinded by ignorance. i've learned several important lessons from this article!

1. it's a slow news day when alien invasion is a real concern.

2. if aliens do invade, i'm picturing theMr in a sexy air force uniform kissing me goodbye before saving the earth...

3. the government has too much money on their hands if this is the kind of research they're funding. how about we throw some of that money towards the debt, huh?

4. on a conspiracy note: was this research funded by prius????

in all seriousness, this is what our government is spending our tax dollars on? while millions are jobless and without medical care and losing their homes? they actually formulated a plan depending on what kind of aliens invade. how about a plan for the unemployment rate? how about a plan to help regular people keep their homes? how about a way to keep our excellent health care without going bankrupt? as opposed to making a plan of attack for something we don't even know exists, let's work on the plan for all of the catastrophes that already are. better yet, take all the money spent on such research and donate it to one of the many groups seeking to aid those starving in East Africa right now. instead of worrying about aliens, let's worry about the thousands of children who will die of starvation today. and politicians wonder why we're no longer listening.

10 things i miss from my prebaby days...

i hear people reminisce about the things they miss from their pre-parenting days. things like going out and partying (not nearly as fun as your memory is telling you it was!) or sleeping in (that is all it's cracked up to be!). i love being a parent and wouldn't trade it for the world, but i will admit there are a few things i do miss from the good ole days! just to name a few...

10. matching socks. why did my socks match then? i had no preteen or husband stealing them because they couldn't find their own.

9. not having enough random food in my car to feed all of ethiopia. seriously. as in "are you hungry? may i offer you half a nutrigrain bar, a partially sucked on sucker and 24 french fries?"

8. not having quiet sex.

7. uninterrupted phone conversations. i'm pretty sure the customer service people at my mortgage company think i either have 13 kids or i'm running a primary school over here. that would account for the noise level every time i have to call them.

6. never watching playhouse disney. ever.



5. opening the fridge to find the foods i purchased still there. that one would actually require me to go all the way back to pre-husband times. is it too much to ask to not have an entire box of drumsticks gone in 24 hrs?

4. only being responsible for washing my own clothes, which would account for approximately two loads of laundry a week. as opposed to the two a day i have to do now.

3. never having to share a bath towel.

2. my old body. sigh... my old body... i barely even remember it.

1. simply being able to do things when i want to without tons of planning and coordinating first!

even after all of these things, my life now is so much better now. while my memories may be romanticized, i was lonely. i was lost, trying to find my way and where i belong. i've found it.
i belong right here :)

Ask theMrs!

it's time for our first ever edition of Ask theMrs! i have lots of interesting questions coming in... you guys are gonna keep me on my toes! so let's just jump right in!

From Facebook:

what is the single most difficult thing you've had to deal with as a parent? I'm pretty much asking: what's the worst thing one of your kids has done and did the punishment fit the crime?

i didn't have to think too hard on this one! without sharing things that will make my kids hate me when they grow up, i'll try to explain. one of my children learned to walk really early. like as in at 7 months. this same child could climb out of their crib and unlock doors by a year old. not a good time! so i spent the first several years trying to simply contain him in the house. we tried every kind of lock you can imagine and nothing worked. i lived in a constant state of fear over this, going so far as to not let others babysit out of fear that they wouldn't supervise well enough. all of this came to a head when, at 2 years old, he managed to get out of three locked doors and sneak out of the house while we were sleeping. resulting in me calling the police, them finding him and me nearly having a nervous breakdown! to answer your question: the punishment was a bedroom door that locked from the outside. so i'd say YES! it fit the crime.

What I want to know is...how do you get so many people to fall head over heels in love with you?!?! lol Seriously, you seem to have so many people who love you and so many close relationships and somehow you make them all feel that they are your best friend. What is your secret? It seemed I only had time for one relationship like that and she moved to FL. And because I am at home with the kids it isn't like I have time to meet very many people. Seriously I need like a step by step guide on how to make new friends and not just acquaintance friends but friends who can see you without your "mask" and love you anyway.

i'm going to try to do this justice because it is a really good question. i feel like i should say thank you? yet that seems odd? i don't know so i'm just gonna move on and answer. i think being a stay at home mom of young kids is probably the hardest season to make friends. it's not like we have tons of time to reach out to people and have deep conversations! that being said, it's totally possible with some work. one of the things that hindered me in this area in the past was being too closed off with myself. i'd been hurt too many times, especially by female friends, so i never really put myself out there. i came to a point where i realized i have to let people in. even knowing that inevitably i will sometimes get hurt. i guess the way i try to have good friends is to be a good friend. here's what i mean: at the end of the day, what most of us need most is love. and most people are not getting it nearly as much as they need it. my heart is to encourage people and simply love them, whether they reciprocate or not. so if i see a post on facebook and think "i love her!" i will tell her, right away! or if i'm in a store and i see a cute keychain that i just know someone would love, i get it and mail it to them with a little card. i try to find ways to show the people in my life that i love and appreciate them. because really that's what people need the most. some people return it tenfold. others don't. but that's ok too. some people just don't have it to give, but they still really need to receive it. now on the flipside, i'm not the easiest friend always either! i'm feisty and moody and opinionated and very difficult to deal with at times. my friends have to put up with a lot. thankfully they see through those things and love me anyway :)

as for finding friends, you have to get out there, as hard as that is. whether you join a mom's group or women's ministry at your church or a zumba class or whatever. and when you do that, be yourself, 100%. those that love you will love the real you. those that that don't? you don't need anyway!! good luck :)

and our last question for the day, from a dear friend on facebook:

how do you deal with babysitting two boys who are so much smarter and better looking than your own childrens? how do you explain to your kids that you love them but they will always be inferior to the specimens of perfection they see every day?

i've never dealt with this, so i don't have a good answer. but i suppose if i was in your position, i'd just ask theMrs' kids to go home so your kids don't feel so bad!

thanks for all of your submissions! if i didn't answer your question, i will next time!

please keep sending in your questions! theMrsanswers@gmail.com

Ask theMrs!

i'm getting a little bored with my blog lately. things have gotten too serious around here. it's never a good sign when your own blog bores you! so i'm introducing a new feature... wait for it.... Ask theMrs! think "dear abby" (which consequently, is my real name!) meets loveline... dr. spock meets dr. sears... dr. phil meets oprah.... ok, i'm getting a little ahead of myself! you can ask me anything you want and most likely i'll answer! want to know how to potty train early? how to keep the spark in your marriage? how i managed to graduate high school english with my aversion to capitalization?? here's your chance! i'll throw this in every so often as i recieve questions. you can reach me in one of three ways:

leave a comment in a post (with your name or anonymous!)

~ on facebook, if you are my friend IRL

~ or by email @ themrsanswers@gmail.com!

true confessions: vacation edition

it's been quite awhile since we had some true confessions! what are true confessions? all of those things you are thinking but never want to say... but i do! let's not hold back here!

we just returned from our mini vacay. we spent four days traveling around the midwest visiting museums, family and friends. we went to a children's museum, a family wedding and spent a night with my best friend. however, this trip meant lots of driving, lots of time in hotels, and trying to keep things semi normal for five kids in lots of new environments. which brings us to our confessions...



~ 7 people in a hotel room is not a good time. it's really not. we stayed in a nice hotel in downtown indianapolis the first night. the kids were super excited and bouncing off the walls. i thought that after a full day at the museum, swimming and a filling dinner, they would pass out. nope. the baby was a mess. standing in her pack and play screaming like it was the apocalypse. the other kids were fighting over space, blankets and any thing else they could possibly think of. and i was ready to visit the hotel bar. good times.



~ i realized when we returned that my little kids hadn't had a bath in four days. and i told myself it was ok since they swam every day.



~ her royal highness does not like car rides. so she responds by screeching as loud as she can until she falls asleep. i'm not gonna lie. i was really wishing i had some kind of medicine that would knock her out.



~ all day at the children's museum i saw parents glued to their phones, totally ignoring their kids. and it made me really mad. interact with your flippin kids. put your phone down and be present. someday you just might look back and realize you missed it.



~ i may or may not have snapped at some kid who was picking on esme. he kept pushing her hand off anything she touched and telling her no. he was probably 7. i think i scared him. i don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.



~i got a little choked up at the barbie exhibit! it brought back so many happy memories from my childhood and i was happy to go through the exhibit with my own daughters.




~ i hate public pools and try my hardest not to get in them.



~ i spent the last 24 hrs of the trip counting down the moments until we got home and i could get away from all of these people.



~ i need a vacation of my own to recover from the one with the family!



am i mother of the year or what?