Out of the box

It feels weird to be writing a blog post. It’s been several years now.  Back when I was writing here regularly, my life was very different. I was a work at home mom with a house full of young children. This place was my outlet and connection to the outside world.  Over time, I went back to work. My kids grew older and their stories became theirs to tell and no longer mine. I lost the desire to write my feelings as I spend most days at work sharing them. I no longer needed that outlet. People occasionally ask me when I’ll blog again and my response is always the same… “when I have something I just have to say.”

This post has been brewing for me for several years. In reality, the journey started for me in my early 30’s as I began really unpacking who I am. What a long strange trip it’s been. But oh the freedom that has sprung from it. But first, a little background…

I was raised in a family of strong women. Raised by a single mother who had a single mother. Then when I was ten, my parents became Christians. Our family and church subscribed to the theology that men are the leaders, both in the home and in the church. A woman’s calling is always to be a wife, a mother and submissive. It was drilled in to me during the very formative teen years of figuring out who you are. I believed it. My struggle was that I didn’t fit into that box. I was not quiet, I was not submissive and I was very rarely gentle. So the label I wore was “rebellious”. I spent years walking out that label to its fullest degree. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy. I carried that label into young adulthood, even after I returned to the Lord after many years astray. I threw myself full force into what a Godly woman was supposed to look like. Ministering in acceptable areas (children’s ministry, hospitality, music). Trying to fit who I really am into the box of “Godly woman”. I tried to be more submissive to my husband. I tried to suppress the natural leadership skills I have always had. I tried to learn how to be meek and sweet and quiet. I failed miserably. With each passing year another piece of me shriveled up and faded. I found myself increasingly burnt out by being the small group leader’s wife, who isn’t allowed to teach because there are men in the group. I was tired of serving in children’s ministry when quite frankly… I don’t like children. My marriage was suffering greatly as I tried to submit to my husband being the leader of our home and resenting him for not meeting my standards. Meanwhile, his resentment for me grew as he was forced into a role that is not his gifting either. And around and around we go…

Fast forward to 2011. We had officially crashed and burned in ministry. We had walked away from all of our leadership roles and rarely attended church. My husband was drowning in addiction and I had no choice but to be the strong one. It had to be done. But the resentment carried on. Opportunities began to arise in the community that allowed me to lead outside of the church and I ran with it. I finally felt like maybe I could spread my wings a bit. I had spent the past ten years of my life carrying shame and guilt over not being good enough, not being the right kind of woman, not being a woman of God. I began to step out a bit, little by little, and lead. I began to let those gifts lying dormant out of the box. I started teaching. I started to mentor. I started to find Abby again. Meanwhile, my place in the church didn’t change and my resentment there grew even more. I started to notice that I had never seen a woman speak from the stage. I had never heard a sermon by a woman. And I had a lot of questions. I’m just enough of a type A personality that when I am questioning something… I begin to obsessively research. It takes over my mind until I am satisfied. I began to read everything the Bible had to say about women and compare it to what it says about the character of God. I began to read books on the topic and pray pray, pray. During this time, the Lord spoke. His words were so clear to me.

“Abby, if I had wanted you to be a follower, I wouldn’t have created you a leader.”

I wish I was a gifted enough writer to describe to you what impact that revelation had on my life. It was as if someone had taken the lid off of the box and let me FLY. It set me free.

  All of my life I had worn the label of “rebellious” under a cloud of shame.. I now wear it as a badge of honor. 

  I felt free to walk in who I really am.  As this new found revelation began to permeate the different areas of my life, things began to change. I will never forget the day my husband and I sat down and discussed what it could look like if we were equal partners in this marriage. If neither of us had to be the leader or the follower. If we were able to mutually submit to one another. When he is weak, I can be our strength. When I am weak, he can be strong. Our marriage changed profoundly from that point on. We both were able to be free to be who we are. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak, always a team.

Around this time, I began to really struggle with whether I should leave our church. Staying or leaving a church may seem like a minor decision to some. But keep in mind, my family has been there for 27 years. The people that make up that congregation are not just acquaintances I see on Sundays, they have become my family. How could I leave? But resentment continued to grow. I went to coffee one day with a dear friend and I shared this struggle. She knows me well and knows I prefer someone to be direct. She looked me right in the eye and said “It’s easier to walk away than to stay and change the system.” In the moment, I was angry. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to leave and find a place that agreed with me. I was tired of fighting the system. I was tired of being put in a box and not being allowed to walk in my identity. I was weary. But despite my pleas to the Lord to release me, He didn’t. Within a few weeks of that conversation, we were approached by one of the pastors about being part of a church plant in a neighborhood of high poverty. It really is the exact thing that I’m passionate about. I put everything on the table that night in a coffee house. My anger at the church, walking away from leadership years before and my refusal to get back in the box. He assured me that we were on the same page and I would be allowed to walk in freedom there. I agreed to come. Over the past two years, he has kept that promise. He has gone to bat for me more times that I can count and probably many more than I am aware of.  Not long after opening, circumstances occurred that allowed me to become a staff member and serve as a community advocate for the church directly serving that neighborhood. I was finally free to minister in the way the Lord uniquely gifted me to do so without the constraints of my gender.  I was able to serve with a pastor that saw me as an asset and not merely a woman. It was breathtaking.

That brings me to the present. I am serving my community with the gifts I have. I have a career that is both fulfilling and heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time.  I still don’t see eye to eye with my church on issues of women but I’m continuing to have the conversation. But what I’ve learned along the way is that my church’s theology doesn’t define me. The world doesn’t define me.

I am free to be who I am without shame.

There will always be those who disagree. There will always be someone trying to put me back in the box. But the best weapon I have in this battle is walking unapologetically in who I am and doing so to the best of my ability. I can be the best version of myself. I can be a female leader who is not aggressive or militant. I can be a woman who is strong and powerful. I can be a woman who is passionate about social issues and still cries during worship. I can speak my truth and tell my story and be vulnerable so others can hold me up when I don’t have the strength to hold myself. I can raise daughters who have no boundaries set upon them, either in the world or the church. I can teach them that the possibilities are endless. Maybe the Lord will have them be a pastor or a CEO or a homemaker. Whatever future He has for them, they will be powerful. 

Because just like their male counterparts.. they are created in the image of God.

 And their call will be to use that power to be a voice for the voiceless, as is mine. That we serve in our church because we are called to be servants. That we love the unlovable because we were first loved. That sometimes we visit a different church so they can hear a woman preach. That this is OK. That being powerful and strong doesn’t mean being overbearing and critical. It means being wise and empathetic and knowing who you are. It also means knowing who you are not. I am not meant to be in a box… and I’m never going back there. 

one year

this post has been brewing in my mind for weeks... and every time the Lord said "write it", i said "i can't". then i go to church today and the whole message was to share  your God story. i get that, i love that. but i have resisted because my story is not a warm fuzzy one. it's not a finished testimony with a bow on it. it's a story still in process. but here it goes...

i've been reflecting lately how much can change in a year. in April 2012, i was in a very different place. i was preparing to quit my daycare business of ten years to pursue my dream of safe families. i was excited, passionate and sure of the road before me. this was my destiny, what i was created to do. i had just gotten a hebrew tattoo on my arm that says "He turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy". i naively thought it was a testament to my past. i had no idea it was a glimpse into my future. i thought all of the ducks in my life were in a row. little did i know that events were transpiring, unbenownst to me, that would change the course of my future. i was coasting along, so sure of my path. i was forming a board and meeting with local social service agencies and getting people excited for the vision. fast forward to august... my world crashed in a way i never saw coming.  one moment in time, one shocking discovery and it all fell apart. my life, my marriage, my mental health, my sanity. i found myself facing a darkness like nothing i had experienced before. to say it was overwhelming does not do justice. for the first time in my 20 years with Jesus i wanted to die. i just wanted the pain to stop, in whatever way possible. in the pit of that agony, i was angry. angry at Eli, angry at myself but more than anything...angry at God. how could He let this happen to me? where was He? i had spent so many years trying so hard to follow him, to obey him, to do what he told me...and this is where it got me.  my pride blinded my vision so deeply all i could do was ask Him why? i spent days and weeks raging at Him. i mean really raging. i yelled at him, i begged him, He remained silent. in all honesty, maybe He was speaking but my rage was so loud i could no longer hear him. i don't know. as i tried to put the pieces of myself back together, i found myself starting to heal but my anger at the Lord remained. i couldn't shake it. over and over i asked him WHY? over and over... silence.  i've believed my whole life that He doesn't allow us any suffering that can't be for His glory. i was desperately trying to cling to that truth when it was the antithesis of what i was feeling.
     so one day i was driving home from a women's Bible study that i didn't want to be at and i didn't want to hear. i was listening to music while esme chattered in the back. i was overcome with rage. i said out loud "how could you do this to me?" and in His still small voice, when i was quiet enough to hear, He spoke.

"what if I used your greatest nightmare to be the thing that set you free?"

i was so stunned by that response i had to pull over my car. is that what happened? was i being set free from a bondage i didn't even know imprisoned me?

i was. 

i was being set free from the chains of codependancy. i was being set free from the fear of abandonment. i was being set free by a God that loved me too much to let me keep going the way i was. 

in that life-changing moment i realized that sometimes God lets it all fall apart so He can put it back together in a way only He knows how. a peace washed over me that i had not felt in a long, long time. i wept with thankfulness. he gave me a tiny glimpse of the forest through the trees. he allowed me a glimpse of what he was making me into and what he had delivered me from. and it was beautiful.

i wish i could tell you that it was smooth sailing from then on. it wasn't. it has been so hard, finding my way back. it is a process that at times i have longed to end. it has been filled with moments of doubt, fear and steps backward. but through it all, He has carried me in a way i have never experienced before. He has shown his majesty in the broken pot that is my heart.

i'm not there yet. we still have work to do. there are still far too many days where i am overcome with fear and anxiety. when i revert to my old coping mechanisms. when i forget.

but those days are fewer and the darkness is not so dark anymore. when they come, i recite truth to myself and meditate on it instead of the lies my mind is feeding me. i surround myself with his praise when my emotions are betraying me. i soak myself in His word when the world is screaming "you're not going to make it!"

i find that i am no longer the person i was a year ago. i am prone to tears, i am humbled by my own failures, i am no longer sure of my path. but i have a hope that was missing for so long. i have a peace that transcends the chaos that is often my life. i have dancing, sometimes sprinkled with mourning.

this is just a piece of my God story, a tiny morsel of the tapestry He is weaving of my life.  it is not the end, really a beginning. as my mother told me as a child..."Abby, don't write the ending to a story God is not finished with." 

He is not finished with me.

Praise Jesus He is not finished with me.

love

1. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another

 with all that has transpired in the last few weeks, i need to talk about love. we've heard these verses a hundred times and heard a dozen sermons about them. we memorized them in sunday school and saw them printed on greeting cards. but what i have seen come out of the Christian community in the past few months disturbs me. see, Jesus didn't qualify who we should love. so i suppose we have to assume He meant for us to love everyone. sounds easy enough? let's break that down a bit.

we should love people of every color....and the people who hate them. 

we need to love gays....and the people who hate them, too.

we have to love the homeless guy as well as the corporate CEO. 

we have to love the victims and the perpetrators. 

we have to love the unborn baby and the abortion doctor.

 those who agree with us, those who disagree, those who hate us. 

love the person who is your rock and the person you most distrust, the terrorists, the liberal, the religious, the racist, the conservative, the one filled with hate, the one who will never appreciate your love. love them anyway.

because if Jesus is the example, we have to love them all. he loved the unclean and the prostitute and the adulterer and the very people who killed him. he actually died for those people. sometimes it's easier for us to love the victims than the sanctimonious. it's easier to love the sinner than the one who considers himself a saint. sometimes... we just can't bring ourselves to love anyone who doesn't agree with us.

We often confused loving someone with agreeing with them. As if showing love is giving permission. But friends, if you feel strongly about an issue, odds are people know that without you constantly telling them. 

sometimes, it's easy to confuse a person with an issue. to let your stance get in the way of your humanity. to forget that there are real, feeling people behind every platform. that it's not just a "yea" or "nay" on a voting card, it's a person who deserves love.

we've heard all of our lives that they will know us by our love. i think the part left out is that they will judge us by our lack thereof. and rightfully so.

in the words Dr. King "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

we can preach, we can protest, we can update our statuses with facts and figures and statistics and arguments. but if we have no love for the people we speak of, we have nothing.

Mark 12:30-31

 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than this.

1 Corinthians 13

 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

so today, go out and BE love in the world. be kind. be gentle. Be loving. Even when it hurts.

10 Pieces of advice you shouldn't follow

i'm going to give you advice on advice. no, the irony doesn't escape me. i am not an expert on anything, i'm not a therapist or a doctor. i don't have a counseling license, half the time i don't even know what i'm doing. but all of these are things i've learned the hard way. i took the field trip. trust me.

10. Never go to sleep angry.  wrong. sometimes you just need to go to sleep. most of us are at our emotional worst by the end of the day. we're tired, impatient and done. trying to iron out marital spats while in that place is a disaster waiting to happen. there are few things that don't seem quite so bad after a good night's sleep. so give each other a kiss (forced) and decide to sleep on it. it probably won't seem like nearly as big of a deal in the morning!

9. You can't spoil a baby. Uh, sure you can. Obviously infants need their needs met to form healthy attachment. No one is debating that. But your baby does not need to be held all of the time. Or while they sleep. Because even though that seems precious now, in a year it will not. When your child screams outside the door every time you shower. When you can never have a date night because you're the only one who can put your little darling to bed. Or worse, when you haven't had sex in a year because that sweetheart will only sleep between you and your husband. No baby has ever died from being allowed to cry while his mother showered. Trust me.

8. Don't cry over spilled milk.  Listen, if that milk is spilled in your minivan, which now smells like curdled death every time you get in it? Go ahead and cry. It won't make your van smell better but it may make you feel better. Besides, it's good for kids to learn that sometimes mommy cries too.

7. Marriage is 50/50. No. Marriage is more like 150/150, if it's going to last. I'm not a mathematician, but i'm pretty sure that adds up. There will be days when your spouse gives far less than you feel like they should. Give even more those days. When the tables turn and YOU are the depleted one, they will hopefully give it back.  The premise is simple: if both parties of a marriage are focusing their energy on making the other happy, odds are you will both be happy.

6.  It takes a village to raise a child. Not so much. In fact, we really just need the village to stop telling us how to raise our children on facebook.

5. Boys will be boys! Yes, they will. Until their mother teaches them how to act likek civil human beings and doesn't excuse their behavior by their gender. I have boys that are ALL boy. I can let them be that without letting them act like savages because they have a penis.

4. It's the thought that counts. If the thought was "My wife would LOVE an ab roller for Valentine's day!" you are wrong and it does not count.

3. God will never give you more than you can handle! Uh, yes He will. If you could handle it all on your own, what would you need God for? He will not, however, give you anything that the two of you cant handle together :)

2. Enjoy every moment! If you enjoy googling how to get urine out of furnace ducts, I can't help you.

1. Fake it till you make it! I think this one is the most damaging to mothers.  You know what? If you are not "making it", you don't have to pretend you are. It's ok to tell people you are struggling and you need help. It is good for you. Sometimes we all just need to permission to be a hot mess.  If you fake it, how will your  friends know to bring iced lattes and take a kid for an hour? Be real. It's the only way to survive this thing called motherhood with a shred of sanity. Your friends will appreciate it, your kids will learn that it's OK to ask for help and you will model for them that weaknesses are not dirty secrets to be hidden away. You will teach them to be who they are, flaws and all. And isn't that what we really want for them?

grace wins

today was a long day. like a tired-stressed-anxious-iwanttodrownmystressinchocolate kinda day. theMr is in full construction mode and working 60-70 hours a week, not getting home until nearly 10 most nights. we are at the beginning of what may be a huge battle over our foreclosure. i spent the afternoon, after work, writing and mailing letters to politicians and media. my brain has been churning all day... grumpy mom plus five kids is not a super combo. by bedtime, i am done. i'm tucking esme in, i lean down to kiss her and she whispers "you is beautiful, mama". oh sweetpea...when she looked at me in that moment, she saw the mom who tucks her in and kisses her every night. the mom who buys her dora yogurt even though it's overpriced and full of sugar. the mom who "carries her like a baby" when she asks. what she didn't see is the frazzled mom who yelled at her today for not putting on her shoes. or the mom who was sick all afternoon from a week of bad eating. or the mom who hid in her bedroom watching tv while her kids played in the next room. she didn't see the mom who loses her temper too often and cusses under breath and doesn't separate the lights from the darks and is a crazy person without her antidepressant. because when she looks at me, she sees love. and love doesn't see flaws. when you look at someone with love, you see all of the things you love about them. the most amazing thing about that interaction is that it's just a glimpse of Jesus. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sin or our flaws or all of the ways we fall short. He sees his beloved child. He delights in us! how precious that a three year old can model that. i so often think i am the one doing all of the teaching in this relationship, i could not be more wrong.

courageous

since i was a child, i've always wanted to be courageous. someone who lived life without fear. someone who took on any adventure with zest and excitement. i worked hard to become that person. the problem is that i mistook putting on a mask with courage. i told myself along the way that a person who was courageous never showed fear or weakness. they could always handle anything, and if they couldn't, they pretended they could. this false belief has caused me much heartache over the years and has prevented me from connecting with people in a real and vulnerable way. i built up a castle of protection around my heart, no one could hurt me, no one could get in. it wasn't until forces collided in my life that i realized it was a lie. that "being strong all the time" is really bondage. that sometimes courage is being brave enough to fall apart. being brave enough to say i'm not ok. to say i need help. to say i need YOU. i found myself in the last year at the stunning realization that i had believed a lie about myself all of my life. the lie that i have to be strong. that i cannot show weakness. that people won't love me or respect me or want me if i fall apart. what i have found in my brokenness, is that when you fall apart is when those around you have a chance to shine. when you are so desperate and despondent that you can't even ask for help is when the people that love you step up. in early August of 2012 i essentially had a nervous breakdown brought on by extreme crisis. i have never been in a darker place in my life. my friends rallied around me in a way i could not properly put to paper. they held me, they let me cry, they let me yell, they let me cuss, they were there. they saw me sink to a place they had never imagined they would find me in and they came through. in the first few weeks of that time, six of my closest friends and my mother asked me to meet them at our local  house of prayer so they could pray over me. they were so worried about me. as i literally laid on that floor, curled in a ball, sobbing as they prayed and spoke truth over me, i had an incredible vision. i was standing in the middle of war. bullets were flying around me and the enemy was close. i was curled in fetal position, too weak to even stand, much less fight. my friends were standing in a circle around me, facing out. they were fighting the battle for me when i was too weak to defend myself. sometimes courageous is being willing to curl up in a ball and be honest about where you are. as i walk through this journey, i'm learning more and more about who i am and who i'm not. i can be strong, but i don't have to. i can be courageous while still being scared. some days that just means that i keep putting one foot in front of another while praying that the fear doesn't overtake me. some days it means i can smile and know it will be ok. but either way, i know now that i have a net. i'm not hanging off of this cliff alone. i can be courageous... and if i can't there are those that would be for me. and that makes all the difference in the world.

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything with love.

grace filled Christmas

i don't do Santa or elf on the shelf. not due to theological reasons, it goes deeper than that. the concept behind both is that if kids are good enough, on their best behavior, they will get gifts. it sounds good in theory, but i battle a lifelong struggle against this exact mindset. if i'm just good enough, things will be ok. however, this is not how God works. before we were ever deserving, He made the ultimate sacrifice for us. we didn't earn it and we never will. but Grace doesn't stop there.

James 1:17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.

notice it does not offer the disclaimer "if we follow the rules" or "if we are deserving" or "if we are good enough". He bestows His gifts simply because He loves us. He already knew we didn't deserve them and we'd never be good enough. He gives them anyway.

many times, we confuse the blessing that comes with obedience with reward for our actions. we are blessed when we obey God because His way is right, therefore it blesses our lives. He's not rewarding us for following the rules. He's showing us the fullness of life that abides in Him. sometimes, it's when we are at worst that we really get this concept. when we are entrenched in sin, staring up from the pit, knowing with every fiber of our being how wretchedly undeserving we are. then He will pour out incredible blessing on us in the midst of it. and we really get that we didn't earn it, we've never earned it. He just loves us. no strings attached. He loves us when we're good and He loves us when we're not.

i have battled this erroneous mindset for most of my life. that i have to strive to be good enough, while never feeling i can achieve it. that i just have to keep working harder and trying more and toiling in vain. it hasn't been until i felt so depleted i was totally incapable of working any more, that He reminded me of His grace. that He blessed me beyond measure when i was so undeserving. by definition grace is unmerited assistance. i don't have to be good enough, He loves me anyway. just the way i am.

so what does this have to do with Santa and the Elf? i don't want my children to go 34 years before getting this. i want them to know that they are loved no matter what. they don't have to earn my love, my gifts or my time. they never have to be good enough for a savior to redeem them. that Christmas is to celebrate the most precious gift of all and one month of "good" behavior is not warranted to receive it.
it's free. it's grace.

keepin it real

well, when i posted that i was taking off the mask, i didn't realize how quickly that opportunity would come! so in the interest of being real and vulnerable and whatnot, i'm going to share with you the news we received tonight...

we have to move in two weeks.  two weeks.  and we don't know where we're going. 

                                  (i'll let that last sentence soak in for a moment.)

so here's the deal, we have been in a bitter battle with our mortgage company for over two years over illegal practices. we have known for a bit  that we may have to lose the house before it is settled. we did not know that such companies can set an auction date, not inform you of it, and take your house. we certainly did not know that we would have two weeks to find a place and move with five children in tow.

i'll be honest with you in saying that when i got this news, approximately 7:30p tonight, i flipped out. i went into full on panic mode. the wheels in my brain  were spinning so fast smoke was coming out of my ears. at this point, my husband said  "i think we should pray. right now." so we did. then he put the kids to bed and i headed up for my nightly hot bath to have a few words with the Lord. i won't share those words here (this is a family blog!) but have no worries, he's God, He can handle it.  when i was done with my ranting and threatening and begging, He decided to speak. (he's such a gentlemen, never interrupting. letting me get all my crazy out :)  and He reminded me of what i've come out of in the last few months. what i have walked through, how dark my pit was, how desperate and undone i was at many points of it. and then He said to me "If I can get you through that, do you really think I can't provide a house?"

huh. i guess i was thinking that. i wish my limited brain could convey to you the feeling of peace that washed over me. He's got this. He's had it all along. i just have to keep trusting Him.

so as of right now, i cannot tell you where my little people will laying their little heads in two weeks. i have no idea. but someone bigger than me does, and He's got it.

if i have learned anything in the last years of my life it is this: a house is only important in that it is where your family is together. otherwise it's just bricks and mortar. wherever we end up, we will all be there together. that alone is a miracle. the address on the mailbox is just a little perk.

the mask

i've written, rewritten and discarded this post a million times. wanting to express my thoughts and my journey, unsure how to protect our privacy. instead, i've just not posted. it's not that i haven't wanted to, it's just that some stories are not for public consumption. i apologize in advance for some of the vagueness i'm about to convey. i'm in a season of my life that is one of the most trying yet. i had a crisis hit in early august that i never saw coming and i'm slowly trying to find my way back. i can honestly say it hasn't been pretty or easy. it's been messy and confusing and heartbreaking. but the thing about a crisis is that when it hits, who you really are comes to the surface. those parts of yourself that you thought you'd already gotten under control come raging outward. you find yourself looking in a mirror and sometimes you don't like what you see. when we are faced with trials, even when we may be the "victim", we have to reevaluate who we are and what we trying to become. it's a rough journey. in a world that is constantly feeding us lies about who we should be, we need reminders of who we are. but how can you be who you are if you don't really know? you see, i've worn a mask all of my life. it says "i am ok". it says "i'm strong, i don't need help." it says "i have it together". i wear the mask so others will love me, but they just end up loving the mask. therein lies the problem. underneath the mask is fear, insecurity, pride and the lie that if i remove it people will run screaming. so when life throws  you a curve ball that is so extreme the mask falls off, i'm faced with a choice. put back on or learn to live without it?

i'm choosing to keep it off.  i'm choosing to believe the truth about myself and refute the lies. the truth is that i am a weak, sinful human. but thankfully that's not all i am.

i am a daughter of the most high king.

i am fully forgiven and covered by grace.

i am uniquely created for a purpose set in motion at the creation of the universe.

i am full of gifts and talents that i only need to access.

i am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, an encourager, a singer, a person prone to laughter, a worshipper, a believer in miracles, a lover of words, a visionary. 

i am not defined by what i've been delivered from, but what i am being delivered to.

i'm facing the traits about myself that i have believed my whole life are "just how i am" and realizing that i don't have to be that person any more. i am an overcomer. 

i'm taking off the mask. and it feels good.

Ephesians 1:3-8  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—  to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,

what's cookin?

i know it's been awhile... things have been super hectic around here. spring is when business starts picking up for theMr and i become a single parent.  many times a week i think of things to talk about here and never find the time to do it! (this is why i could never be a professional blogger!) but i just had to share with you a story.

you know the saying "when it rains, it pours"? well that sentiment could not be more true in this household. two weeks ago our dishwasher died. this may not seem like a big deal but in a house of seven people it is catastrophic. i'm not gonna lie, i was in a panic.  theMr spent several days trying to fix it, to no avail. we ended up having to replace it. i tried really hard to have the attitude of thankfulness that we had a few dollars in savings that would cover it, as opposed to be bummed that we'd have to spend our savings.  within two days of that my phone stopped functioning. my six week old, very expensive phone.  thankfully, it was insured and replaced quickly and for free. then last week, our oven died. seriously. it almost started a fire while i had a house full of kids. it's only four years old.  once again, theMr spent days trying to fix it with no luck. we are on week two of no oven.  we knew it would be a minimum of two to three weeks before we could get together enough for a new stove.  again, with a family our size this is a major hassle. i don't generally cook boxed or microwave foods for the kids. i'm a homemade meals kinda girl. so this has been stressing me out. by sunday morning, i was over it. just in time to leave for church. as we were getting in the car, i set theMr's Ipad on the passenger seat. when he opened the door, it fell out and shattered. it is four weeks old. for real. WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER HERE??!  thankfully, it also is insured and was replaced immediately. and he was very calm and kind about the fact that his wife just broke his most treasured possession. his response? "it's just stuff."  i love that guy.

now i'm not telling you all of these woes for a pity party. i'm not battling cancer or homelessness. these problems are drops in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. but i have a point. by sunday evening, i was really having a battle in my mind. i've shared before that we don't believe in the use of credit cards or financing in general.  these recent situations are where the rubber meets the road. it would be so much more convenient to just charge a new stove and pay it off over the next few months. this is what was going through my head that evening.

why can't we just finance this one thing?

everybody else does it?

what's the big deal? we have to have a stove!

in the midst of this mental storm, a still small voice reminded me of something:  the Lord is my provider. not Visa. not Lowes. not even theMr.   the God of all creation is more than able to take care of my tiny needs.  He created the heavens and the Earth. surely He can handle a measly appliance!  i went to bed telling him i trust Him while confessing my lack of trust.

i got up monday morning and took my kids to school. i returned home and sat down to check my email and drink some coffee before heading out to price stoves and determine how much we'd need to come up with.  i opened an email from one of our pastors. it read that someone had dropped off an anonymous check for us at the church.  a large anonymous check. way more than a stove would cost. i sat there in shock. it will not only pay for a stove, but some tools theMr desperately needs for his business.  for the first time in my entire adult life, i will be able to pick out a nice appliance as opposed to the cheapest one they have. holy moly. 

friends, this story is not about the money. this story is about a God who is big enough to create the oceans and the stars yet is loving enough to provide a stove to a family who needs it.  He didn't do it because i'm a "good christian" or i earned it in any way. trust me when i tell you that i am a sinner to rival all sinners. i am selfish and rude and judgmental and prideful and moody. i'm a terrible person. i have done nothing to deserve the love of the King of the universe. therein lies the point of this post.  nothing i could ever do would earn His love and He loves me anyway.  He has the same love for you.  He sees into my wicked heart and loves me. He doesn't see all of my inadequacies and sin. He sees me.  and i'm His.  He desires to meet all of your needs just the same as He meets mine.

thank you Jesus!

lost...

yesterday started out as any other sunday would... theMr was on worship team, which meant i got to get the kids ready and to church by myself. so when he informed me he was taking them hiking afterwards, i was thrilled! an afternoon of peace and quiet in my own house? yes please! they left shortly after church, meeting a friend and his two boys there. i put esme down for her nap and basked in the quiet. until my phone rang a few hours later. it was a friend of ours, calling to check and make sure the kids were ok. what? they then explained that they had run into theMr in the woods and two of the children were missing. i think you can imagine the things happening in my mind at that moment. i tried repeatedly to call him and his friend, to no avail. the area they were in is a gorge and there is absolutely NO cell reception there. while i was trying to tell myself not to panic, i was really panicking. i called my friend (who's husband was with him) and she hadn't heard from them either. i called my mom, though she couldn't really do anything! i was stuck here with a sleeping toddler, no car and children possibly lost in the woods. at that point i didn't even know which children. before long, my friend called to tell me that her husband had just come home to drop off their boys and my two oldest children were still missing. i quickly asked her to come and pick esme and i up and take us there (about 20 mins away). i was debating whether to call 911 when theMr got enough reception to get a call through to me. he had enough time to say "going to lose this call, kids are missing, call 911". i'm so glad our other friends had already tipped me off as that call would have given me a heart attack. as it turns out, while they were hiking the two oldest kids were a ways ahead of theMr, his friend and the littler kids. they were frustrated at the slow progress. but when theMr came around a bend, the path was forked and they had no idea which way the kids went. suddenly they were gone. theMr was trying to look, while dragging the two little kids and having no clue which way they went. eventually his friend left to bring his kids home and get help. i called the police, got them on it and quickly threw stuff together for esme. on the way there (and before i lost cell reception too) i tried to call the pertinent people, although my mind was very scattered by that point. we pulled in the parking area right after the squad and the search and rescue people. they sent teams out but asked me to wait there in case the kids came back. by this point, word had spread quickly and friends and family were starting to arrive to search. when we were able to think clearly later, we realized that about 40 people (just that we know of) were either there or on their way to search. we are truly blessed to have such incredible people around us. after almost three hours of them being lost, they found their own way out. they were quite shaken up and scared, not to mention hungry and very tired. i finally broke down when i was able to put my arms around them. here's the amazing part, they found the way out themselves. there are maps along the trails, however they don't tell you where you are on the map. (so not very helpful!) so at each map point, they took a picture of the map with their camera and some landmark around it to make sure they were not going in circles. they also took large sticks and wrote Ari's name in each clearing so that if theMr went by, he would know they had been there!






they took those map pics and compared them with all of the pics they had taken before getting lost to track their way back. at one point, Za realized they were going the wrong direction by the location of the sun. i've always known they are smart kids, but i was so proud of them for thinking clearly and intelligently in a crisis. what amazing kids. on the way home, Za said (in the saddest voice) "can we just get popeyes for dinner, Mom?" uh yes. you can have whatever you want!

once everyone was bathed and prayed for and calmed enough to sleep, the reality of it all hit theMr and i. i battled my own mind last night with not allowing my imagination to get away from me with "what ifs". but God is so faithful. He is able to protect our children in ways that we will never be able to. i'm so thankful for that! i am so thankful that they are ok. i hope to never go through anything like that again!

the birthday and a tattoo

good evening!! a few people have asked how my birthday turned out, so i thought i'd let you know! it ended up being really nice. i got to sleep in (yessss) and woke to a coffee and gift from my dear friend, rachel.

how perfect is that? the gorgeous tulips are from my in laws, which are exactly what i need to see this time of year!

i had to work that day, i'm a grown up so i don't get to take the day off. however, my friend Katie brought over pizza for the kids so i wouldn't have to cook! which was really nice :) she's a good friend!

that evening i finally had my rescheduled tattoo appointment! i've been really excited about it, although not about the pain.


i can have five babies but tattoo pain is too much for me. i know, it makes no sense. i don't make the news, i just report it. but it was totally worth it. i could not be happier with the outcome!



how awesome is that! it's hebrew and it says "he turned my mourning into dancing; my sorrow into joy", which is a reference from psalm 30 and esther 8. for me, it has deep significance. just over a year ago, i found myself in one of the hardest seasons of my life. my husband and i were separated. i was living alone with five kids. i was praying desperately for a healing in our family, but i had no promise of a happy ending. during this time, i read psalm 30:

I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

if this was not the pit, i don't know what is. i had not felt such desperation and fear since getting sober from drug addiction fourteen years ago. in some ways, that was actually easier, because at least i didn't have five children to worry about in the process. i have seldom felt more isolated than i did during this time. while i have an incredibly supportive family and circle of friends, it was hard. i stopped blogging and never said a word about it publicly, out of a desire to protect my children and our privacy. i spent the first week just surviving. however, when i read this verse it spoke to me in a way i really can't describe. the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He said that this was a promise for me. He did not promise things would turn out the way i thought they would. but He promised he would turn my sorrow into joy. friends, i cannot put into words for you how far and beyond my expectations He answered that prayer. not only was our family and marriage restored, we were brought so far from where we had started. the Lord not only repaired the obvious issues we were battling: anger, depression, addictions, bitterness. He mended the problems in the foundation of our marriage that we didn't even know were there. see here's the thing: when you encounter a crisis, it becomes apparent what your marriage (and your character) is really made of. all of the faults in your foundation come to the surface. it's not pretty. not in the slightest. the reparation of our marriage meant that the Lord had to take it all the way to the foundation, to rebuild it on solid ground. a brutal, painful process, for sure. but i can honestly say it was worth every tear, every heartache, every uncertainty. and joy does come in the morning. it may not be tomorrow morning. it may not even be the next day. but He has so much better for us than the status quo. we just have to be willing to let Him do the work.

top ten of eleven!

i've been planning to do this all week. it's been a little crazy around here ;) nothing like waiting till the last minute! this would be the top ten highs and lows of 2011!

10. what we not so affectionately refer to as "The Great Lice Fiasco of '11". five kids. five heads of lice. two heads shaved and countless hours of nitpicking later.... they got it again. a total of four rounds of washing everything in the house. three weeks of hell. hopefully to never be repeated!

9. our new van! first vehicle with a/c in 5 years! woo hoo! i never thought i'd be so overjoyed at a minivan. but i still say a prayer of thanks every time i get in it!

8. medical woes x 7! strep throats, hand foot and mouth, ear infections, surgery for me. but no ER visits, no hospitalizations, all minor illnesses. not bad!

7. breaking dawn! i have waited a lot of years to see that wedding. it was every bit as good as i imagined. which is why i had to see it two three times. only 11 months till part 2!

6. the passing of "old papaw". my last remaining grandparent. while we were sad to see him gone, we were rejoicing with him for being reunited with nanny!

5. good business in a bad economy. theMr's side business flourished this year. his best year yet with lots on the books already for 2012. proof that God is so much bigger than our economy!

~the final four are all good. because there was much more good than bad in this year!

4. four weekend trips away for me! january was my first weekend away alone in eight years. it was followed by two trips to the International House of Prayer, a weekend Beth moore conference, a women of Faith conference and a Twi-Moms sleepover! after ten years as a stay at home mom, it was good to find some time for myself this year!

3. the birth of a ministry (and not a baby!). more later on that one :) soon, i promise!

2. the official end of childbirthing. bittersweet for sure. but it was time.

1. the renewal and revival of our marriage. we took a long, brutal road to find it. i wouldn't want to go through it again for anything. but it was worth every tear, every heartache. sometimes in order to make something all it can be, God has to take it back down to the foundation and rebuild. and He did. i will forever be thankful that in 2011 i fell in love with my husband all over again. i eagerly await what is in store for us in 2012.

thanks for reading this year. thanks for caring what happens to our family. thanks for comments and emails and earrings and love. who knew blogging came along with a new "family"? what a wonderful surprise. cheers to 2012! ~theMrs

happy new year

it's normal to reflect at the close of each year. the highs, the lows, what you want in the coming one. when i try to put 2011 into words, i find myself at a loss. it has been such a monumental year in so many ways. much of which i'm not even ready to express. yet i find myself needing to quantify. it's a trademark at my core. i always need to quantify things. it helps them make sense to me.

it was the year i found my calling.
and lost my last surviving grandparent.

the year that held the first time i thought my marriage wouldn't survive
and the moment i realized it would.

the year we felt the Lord's hand on our lives more clearly than ever
the year we learned what He meant when said He'd never forsake us.

a year that started with questions
and is ending with transitions.

new friends, new jobs, new homes, new cars, new vision.

what will 2012 bring? answers to many of these things... joy, peace, love, happiness, fulfillment, change, growth, renewal, passion, direction and hopefully a bit of grace.

another chance to start again.
to say thank you.
to hold a hand.
to chase a dream.
to move on.
to make amends.
to rejoice.
to LIVE.

at the end of the day, through the extreme lows and the mountain HIGHS, we are still here. we are healthy. we are a family. we are at peace.

that's all that really matters anyway. the rest is just details.

happy new year to you and yours. may you walk in the peace and blessing of your Savior's plan. may your days be filled with laughter and joy, hope and contentedness. may you count your blessings and endure your struggles with the faith that they will pass. may you smile at those who bless you and those who don't. may you find the Lord's favor upon your life.

from our family to yours....